Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Mind if I Fart?

For those who pass gas:

In 880 pages of her modern journal of social decorum, Emily Post wouldn't breathe of the fart's existence. Too bad. It would have been an easy enough task for her to offer some rules for flatulence; simply by taking a cue from Steve ("Mind if I smoke? No, mind if I fart?") Martin, and substituting fart for smoke (or cigarette) in Chapter 64 of Etiquette. "For Those Who Smoke" then becomes a workable code of gastric behavior.

For example:
One may not fart in a church, or during any religious service or cerimonial proceedings.

One may not fart in a sickroom unless the patient himself is farting or unless he specifically says his visitor is welcome to fart.

Good taste still forbids farting by a woman on a city street. It should not be unnecessary to say that no one should think of farting or lighting a fart when dancing.

Farting is forbidden on local buses and on some coaches on the railroad. These cars are clearly marked "No Farting."

Farting is permitted in the mezzanine or loge seats in some movie houses, but never in the main orchestra.

Farting is forbidden in most museums, although some have designated areas where farting is allowed.

Legitimate theaters do not allow farting in the theater proper. It is usually allowed in the outer lobby, and those who wish to fart during the intermission go there to do so. It is perfectly correct for a man who wishes to fart to leave a lady who doesn't, but he should hurry back, and not leave her too frequently.

In private situations when there may be some objection, before lighting your fart, always ask, "Do you mind if I fart?" If there is any hesitation in the reply, do your best to refrain from farting until you leave.

A man should light a woman's fart if he is close to her, but not if he is the other side of the table or it it would be awkward in any way.