Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Kansans love their weapons.

Greetings from Kansas, where it's now legal to own Machine Guns, Sawed off Shotguns & Silencers.

No wonder. The squirrels here are so damn big.

Bazooka's are still outlawed - for now.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Governmentium - An Element on Periodic Table

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

How Hillary Can Still Win

Friday, April 11, 2008

My own bottled water

I moved to Kansas on good faith. No one told me it was the windiest place on Earth. Now, I discover it's also the place where your sump pump runs all day & night. I must live above an aquifer. Maybe I can bottle all the water that runs just beneath my home. I live in fear I will awaken any day now with 5 inches of water in my basement. "Brifina." That's it. I'm gonna bottle it. I'll set up an automated operation and truck it out daily when I get home from lunch. Retailers interested in stocking "Brifina" basement water, contact me.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008



Despite what you may be hearing, did you know that economists say we AREN'T in a recession? They point out that a recession is two consecutive quarters of negative growth. But the fact is, they say, we haven’t even had one single quarter of negative growth reported. The economy slowed down significantly during the end of last year, but that was after some big growth in the third quarter.

... The average unemployment rate during President Clinton was 5.2 percent. The current unemployment rate is 4.8 percent.

... The average inflation rate under Clinton was 2.6 percent, under Bush it is 2.7 percent.

... While the inflation rate over the last year has gone up to 4 percent, it's still lower than the average inflation rate under all the presidents from Nixon through Bush’s father.

... Gas prices are up 33 percent over the last year, but to get an average of 4 percent inflation means that lots of other prices have stayed the same or gone down.

... Housing has obviously been a big drag on the economy, but many other sectors of the economy, such as exports, have been doing well, some extremely well.

So who's to blame for the panic? Two groups: the presidential candidates and the media.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

You are Taliban if........

•You sell heroin for a living but have a moral objection to beer.

•You own a $5,000 machine gun, a $10,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

•You have nothing against women and think that every man should own at least one.

•You bathe each month whether you need it or not.

•You wipe your butt with your hands but... bacon is "unclean."

•You were amazed to discover cell phones have other uses besides setting off roadside bombs.

•You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

•The nicest thing you can hear is "I love what you've done with your cave."