Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Trick or Treating for Hot Sauce

I turned into the "crazy house on the street" about 15 years ago. I wanted to mess with the Trick or Treaters minds. Instead of candy, I assembled on a table just inside the door, all of the leftovers from my refrigerator. I had Chinese still in the boxes, Rice Pilaf, green beans, pork & beans, deli meat, cheese & spaghetti. The kids shouted, "Trick or Treat" - and I asked them what they wanted - Spaghetti or Sweet & Sour Chicken? They freaked. Some said, "I'll have the green beans please." I liked those kids.

I did it again the next year. This time with personal hygiene products. "Who wants mouthwash?" "Me - Me - Me!", they said. I remember giving a kid a can of hair spray and him saying, "Thanks Mr. for the hairspray!"

One year it was Hot sauces & Picante sauce. I had cases of the stuff and the kids thought it was great. One year it was salad dressings. "Who wants French?" "Do you have Bleu Cheese?" "Sure kid, do you want dry or creamy Bleu Cheese?" I drop this stuff in the bag or the plastic pumpkin or whatever.

Last year it was $2 bills.

Now, 15 years later, a whole generation of kids have grown up - coming to my house, and they look forward to what ever I'm doing. One thing for sure, they'll remember me and this stupid bit - for the rest of their lives.

This year? The "Halloween Boo-ffet." Hambooogers, Halloweenies & Chicken for the chickens. Kids can dress their sandwiches with blood or mucus (their choice.) I'll drag the Charmglow into the garage and serve over 200 sandwiches.

Next year? I wanna do jewelry. Rings & earrings. I'm dead serious.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Bill Clinton. 400% off retail.

A packed house was expected at Bill Clinton's 60th birthday extravaganza with a private Rolling Stones concert. The price tag: $500,000 per person.

Hillary and Chelsea sent out about 10,000 invitations to Hollywood tycoons, movie stars, captains of industry and Wall Street - with all proceeds to go to the former President's charitable foundation.
Those who pledged the top price were promised the 'Birthday Chair Package', with the best seating for the concert as well as a chance to have photographs taken with Mr Clinton during a round of golf and a three-day series of cocktail, brunch and dinner parties.
The minimum price, with inferior concert seats and no brunch, was set at $60,000, but the Clintons drastically slashed prices to $12,500 for one reception and the concert, or $5,000 for just the Stones. At last possible moment, the Clintons put the tickets on sale to the public for as little as $1,710.
Bill Clinton: Marked down for clearance.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Busch stadium. I'm pissed, and I wasn't even there.

I was upset I couldn't get tickets to a Busch stadium World Series game. I quickly got over it. After all, thousands want tickets too. I've resigned myself to watching the games on FOX. I'm still upset.

What happened last night was bizarre at best. Anyone with half a brain and a radar screen - knew Game 4 was going to be rained out. Yet, FOX insisted "This will pass soon, and we'll get this game in tonight." We were then treated to episode after episode of "The war at Home." The game was the carrot - and FOX held it out there in front of our noses all night. FOX was obviously afraid that if the game had been "called" at 7:30p - (as it should have) - their cume audience would flee elsewhere. FOX throws around alot of weight with MLB. They used their muscle last night and we all suffered. We were all made fools of.

It could've been worse. You might have been at Busch stadium last night. Fans weren't allowed to leave. Thousands, holding that "once in a lifetime" ticket - were told they couldn't exit & re-enter - even if they were back before first pitch.

This left 55,000 people huddled, trying to keep warm for 3 hours (fans are instructed to be in their seats by 6:30.) It's 39 degrees, the only heat in the place is in the suites - (not even the press box is heated) - leaving fans one thing to do - eat or shop. Sweatshirt & Cards jacket sales were through the roof. Fans knew the game was a washout. Busch management put the Weather Service radar image on the scoreboard. 55,000 people knew there would be no game. BUT - fans received calls & text messages from those outside watching FOX. They assured the fans that FOX says the game is on - "it's only a matter of time".

There's more.

Busch officials say if you hold a ticket for the rained out Game 4 - your ticket is now good for Game 5. This means - the thousands who weathered last night, will have to wait until Game 5 - to see Game 4. Huh?
How many people will show at Busch tonight with tickets for Game 4 - and tonight is Game 4 - and be told you'll have to wait until game 5? Thousands? Yep. And what about those WHO DO get inside tonight? There is a 90% chance of rain tonight. Better bring something to read. Something waterproof - that you might be able to burn for heat.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Obama is "Mr. Electable"

Barack Obama on the cover of Time magazine. "Why Barack Obama could be the next President."

I don't see eye to eye with Obama politically on many issues - but the reasons why he'll be a serious contender are clear to see. He's honest. There's something about this man that makes you like him. He has that "X factor." My God this man is electable.

Honest? You bet. Obama, currently on a book tour, was asked by the New Yorker editor, whether or not his admission of drug use in the book would become problematic if he does, if fact, run for President.

Obama said, "I inhaled. That was the point."

The truth will set you free.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Dishtowel beats Hillary Clinton in new poll

George W's approval rating is down. Democrats are foaming at the mouth in anticipation of the mid-term elections. Will Democrats take control of the House & the Senate? We'll know soon enough. The burning question is, who will the Democrats put on the Presidential ballot in 2008?

Hillary Rodham Clintons' name is often batted around as the candidate. But, how "electable" is Hillary - really? She'll bring all the "Clinton baggage" - and it must be said - "the female factor", to the race.

"What if" the election were held tomorrow?

A new poll of adult voters in America's heartland say they'd vote for a DISHTOWEL over Hillary Clinton - for President. Yes, given a ballot of Dishtowel or Hillary - 100% of voters in this new poll would elect the Dishtowel.

The astonishing poll was conducted on the popular "Brian & Kellie Morning Show" broadcast on WNNS-FM in Springfield Illinois.

"We thought we'd get at least one call for the New York Senator", said Kellie Michaels, WNNS morning host & Operations Manager. "Every single call went for the towel."

WNNS host Brian Pierce pointed out, "This is a regular size cotton dishtowel."

Political pundits in the area speculate this news will come as a blow to the Clinton campaign, or that Central Illinois "really loves dishtowels."

Clintons spokesperson was unavailable for comment, as was the Dishtowel.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Fair Weather MLB fan gets "Politically Incorrect"

I am the ultimate "fair weather" baseball fan. I am the "Johnny come lately." I'm the fan at the end of the season when things are going well. I am a St. Louis Cardinals fan.

The number of games they play a season these days is nearly 200. That's nearly 600 hours I just don't have. What I do have is 60 seconds a day to check a sports page, or 15 seconds to catch a score on TV. I'm usually aware where my Cardinals stand. Of the team roster during the season, I could name probably no more than 4. But come playoff time, if my Cardinals are "in it" - look out - Katie bar the door.

Post Season baseball emotionally takes me back to the 60's. When the Cardinals were in the playoffs or the series back then - my elementary school would roll in "the big black & white TV on the cart" - and we'd watch the day games in lieu of schoolwork. Can you imagine? We'd spend all afternoon at our desks cheering Tim McCarver, Mike Shannon, Bob Gibson & Curt Flood.

Now that the Cards are in the World series, my schedule adapts to watch every game. I even tried to get tickets to a game at Busch. I would have happily paid $200 a ticket if they'd been available. I cheer these guys with no guilt that my interest begins only the last week of the season. Yes, I applaud the fans that are there all season long. Without them, my Cardinals wouldn't exist. Hell, I don't even own a Cardinals T-shirt or hat.

I am so naive to the workings of Major league baseball that I have a non politically correct statement to make. Forgive me. Remember, this is from a man that hasn't followed pro baseball religiously for 40 years - What is it with all the Mexicans? Or Puerto Ricans - or whatever all these guys are? Now there are even a few Japanese players. People used to joke that Pro Baseball existed so white guys would have a sport to play. That still might be true, but the rosters seem to be mostly Central American. Yes I remember Roberto Clemente & Matty Alou. I know this infusion began years ago, but it seems to be at a zenith. It's almost as if the sports page should read, St. Louis' Central Americans defeated New Yorks' Central Americans in game one of the World Series.

Do Central American ball players possess more skills? Do they have better vision that allows them to see and therefor hit a 100 mph fastball? Are they say, for example like Nigerian long distance runners?

I've raised 3 boys and I know what's going on. Each and everyone had/has the ability to play baseball well. Each might have been able to make their way to the major leagues. But, all 3 were far more interested in video baseball than the real thing.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I'm queazy from my tax bill

I'm aware it isn't April 15th. I always file for an extension. I paid my tax bill to the Government last night. I was in the driveway of my accountant at 6:30, signing papers on the steering wheel on the way to the Post Office. I got my returns in the box by the 7pm cut-off.

In no way am I bragging about how much money I make. BUT - I pay more in taxes than most in this country make. I ALWAYS owe the Government money at the end of the year. Doing what I do means small checks from a variety of clients throughout the year. This throws my tax bill out of whack, and I end up paying through the nose.

Last night I attached a check to my return that would purchase outright - a pretty good car. It'd pay for a killer vacation or get me a couple giant LCD flat screen TV's. What I might have spent that money on is lost now, but what my Government will DO with that money is giving me a gag reflex.

I often work seven days a week to make that money. I've lost sleep since 1986 doing morning radio shows. I've shaken as many hands and kissed as many babies as any seasoned politician. This money was earned with blood, sweat & tears. I've neglected my family hundreds of times and regret it. My tax money has fallen into the hands of the largest legal money stealing scheme ever - our Government.

Who'll get my money? Politicians will steal it. Bribes will be made. Able-bodied people asleep while I work - will get parts of it. Stupid people. Lazy people. Corrupt people. Sure, some good will come from my donation to the public trough. My money combined with money stolen from you too - will build a road or two. A school or two will be built. A bridge might be made safer. Someone more needy than I - may receive a deserved hand-out. But, by and large, the check I wrote last night will be squandered. We both know it.

I live in a city full of State workers. Many occupy positions that are legitimately necessary. But, every citizen of this city knows someone on the State payroll with a job that isn't necessary. A job they got because they knew someone - a job that just takes up space and pays extremely well. I know this is where some of my tax money flows. Illinois is broke because of out of control spending. Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to write that check.

Like lemmings we pay our taxes with no real accounting of where the money goes. After all these years, I just want to be on the receiving end of some of that cash - instead of financing the mess.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Wal Mart vs. the RIAA

You're gonna like Wal Mart. No matter how you feel about them now - read on - and like them more as you go.

Wal Mart sells CD's of recorded music @ $10 and under. The music companies and the RIAA have complained about Wal Mart to the Feds for years. Wal Mart was accused of "price fixing."
To punish Wal Mart for their behavior, the record companies withheld promotional items. This is why you don't see giant cardboard Britney Spears stand-ups at Wal Mart. You won't see posters of Outkast at Wal Mart. Wal Mart didn't flinch. They see CD's as a "loss leader", meaning they'd rather draw you to their stores with value priced music, and profit from your other sales. Besides, Wal Mart argues it's hard to charge $10 for 50 minutes of music, when most DVD's are $15 and provide over 3 hours of entertainment. Hard to argue.

The record companies have finally conceded that they need Wal Mart more - than Wal Mart needs them. Their own studies indicate that CD sales will fall dramatically if Wal Mart drops their product. This is forcing the record companies to reconsider CD pricing overall. It looks bad when the record store has a CD at $17.99 - and down the street Wal Mart has it for $9.99.

The profiteering in the music business is over. Once and for all - it's over. Musicians will make their money the old fashioned way - at live concerts - and make just cents per CD - like it was in the old days.

PTP computer programs and Wal Mart are to thank. The days of $17,99 for a CD with 2 good songs - are numbered.

Meter maids! I got yer quarter right here!

Several months ago on these pages I sided with some city residents who I believe had their cars unfairly towed from a downtown lot.

No, I wasn't towed. Just the other day I was ticketed 4 times. In the course of 2 hours, I received 4 parking tickets. I was parked at a 30 minute meter. I was working 60 feet from the space, directly facing it through a plate glass window at my downtown broadcast studio. I knew when my time was up - and was prepared to feed the meter 25 cents each time time expired. I made note of the time I arrived, so I could feed the meter at the appropriate time. I was beat to the meter each time by a 20-ish meter maid. She dropped in from no-where literally seconds after each quarter expired. I'd be approaching the meter, to plunk in my quarter, and she's already there - fining me.

I'm not above the law. I am not civilly disobedient. I'm a big boy who knows how parking meters work, and why they're there. But, in this city - no make that town - this is hardly a city - this behavior has to stop. This town is trying to re-build it's downtown on tourism. If this is how our Police dept. chooses to treat me (a Springfield Good-will ambassador) , how will the Dentist from Detroit fare?

Meter maids obviously lying in wait for meters to expire is ridiculous. I paid the tickets. I'll go downtown again. I'll take my quarters and issue this threat. This is a threat to our meter maids. Treat me this way again, I'll get your name, and introduce a character to the show. This person will eat their boogers, fart & drool. They'll be dumber than a doorstop - and smell like Hogans goat. They will have the same name as you.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

My IM's to Barbra Streisand

The mid term elections are a month away. (Wait a minute - .........I just received an inappropriate IM from a Congressman.)

Denny Hastert called me to assure me he wasn't going to resign. I assured him I wouldn't resign either - after all, I'm the King of inappropriate IM's - I just limit them to people of age - people I know - people who have come to expect inappropriateness from me.

I'd like to IM Barbra Streisand.

*Bri987 "Babs. Shut your mouth."
*BSnose66 "Who is this?"
*Bri987 "Brian Pierce. Where do you get off screaming to a fan to Shut the Fuck up?"
*BSnose66 "You shut the fuck up."
*Bri987 "Barbra, is that any way to talk to someone?"
*BSnose66 "Fuck you, you fucking fucker."
*Bri987 "I haven't played your music on the air for over 30 years."
*BSnose66 "Fuck all you fucking DJ's."
*Bri987 "Where did you get that mouth Babs?"
*BSnose66 "The fucking Republicans make me do it. They make me fucking talk this way."
*Bri987 "Don't you have a new album out? Maybe I should consider playing on the air."
*BSnose66 "I'm sorry. Who is this again?"
*Bri987 "Brian Pierce. I host a radio show. My audience is adult women who might still wanna buy your albums."
*BSnose66 "I am truly sorry for the language Brian. I just get upset. At Madison Square Garden Monday, I wasn't on my medication. I really hope you'll consider me for airplay."
*Bri987 "Barbra. I've heard most of the new album, and I don't think you're gonna make the cut."
*BSnose66 "Well Fuck you then."

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Travis Barker makes me laugh.

This is a dipshit. This is what a loser looks like. Here is a wiener. Here is a man who surely embarasses his parents. Here is the look of unemployment. This is what uneducated looks like. Jeez. THIS IS THE MAN PARIS HILTON IS CURRENTLY "SEEING."

I give you Travis Barker - a drummer in a band called "+44". OK, so he has a job at the moment. What will he do after the band gig? I look at this mess of a man and laugh. How on Earth does a person conclude this is the way to present themselves?

I'll have the last laugh. Trav' will know what I mean whan he's 30. That's all it'll take. He'll regret all this by the time he hits 30. Copy this photo and advise your sons to avoid emulating this man in any way.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Tom Cruise is 2 feet tall.


HELLO LITTLE MAN. SUIT SIZE 36 SHORT. SHOE SIZE PROBABLY A 5. How did we ever believe this man/child a tough guy in the movies? I've always been aware they used special camera angles and Tom often stood on platforms - but this is a scream. Tom, You're so short, you gotta get a running start at the toilet seat. You're so short - you're the last one to know when it rains. You're so short, you don't have to bend over for anything. You're so short, you gotta stand up just to sit down." You're so short that when you sit on the yellow line on the road, your feet don't touch the ground." You are so short, you can see your feet on your drivers license. You are so short, you can walk under the kitchen table in high heels. You are so short, you model poses for trophies. TOM AND KATIE AREN'T MARRIED BECAUSE, WHO WANTS TO MARRY TOM THUMB?