Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I bet Brad & Angelinas' baby is ugly.

Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, the baby born Saturday to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, was delivered by C-section. In a statement, Jolie thanked the staff of Cottage medi-Clinic Hospital. Jolie's obstetrician from Los Angeles, Dr. Jason Rothbart says that he delivered the child, weighing seven pounds, by Caesarean section "due to breech presentation," and that the birth went "flawlessly. Brad was with Angelina in the operating room the entire time and cut the umbilical cord of his daughter."

(The baby was reportedly in good health, though the family was yet to make a public appearance.) WHY?????

What if this baby isn't the "most beautiful baby" ever? The parents - who almost everyone agrees are beautiful - may have spawned an ugly child. Irony? You bet. Only time will tell. Brad & Angelina have had it good. They've been beautiful their whole lives. They've been doted on, fought over, and led a generally better life than most of us - because of their looks. They've made millions on their appearance. Jen Anniston was apparently too average looking for Brad - and he strayed. Wouldn't it be sweet if the seed of these two perfect people resulted in an ugly baby? They'd have no option but to drape her with cloth like Michael Jackson does his kids. Photographic rights to the worlds first look at this baby have already been sold. Pitt & Jolie made over $3 million - and intend to donate the $ to charity. If this photo is somehow delayed, it can mean only one thing. Ugly baby. Maybe the baby will be so ugly even touching up the picture won't help.

My moneys on ugly baby. But we won't say a thing - will we? "Oh, what a pretty baby!" But with parents like Shiloh Nouvel has - certainly someone will blurt out, "Jeez! What the Hell happened here?"

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Why don't women like Air Conditioning?

Turn on the Air Conditioning! For the love of God and all things Holy - turn the A/C on!

This is an annual argument in my home - every year since I married in 1981. Oddly, I don't recall A/C arguments prior to marriage. Apparently the guys I hung out with before marriage were all on the same A/C page.

I want the A/C on - my wife does not. She believes strongly that when the A/C should go on - is a date - not a temperature. Usually, even she agrees that Fathers Day is a good day to turn on the A/C. If the temp hits 100 prior to Fathers Day - doesn't matter, it's too early to turn it on.

My wife says she likes fresh air. In my opinion, Hot, Humid, Polluted, Pollen laden - fresh air. There are two types of people in the world - Sweaters & Non-Sweaters. I am a sweater. I'm not embarrassed to admit - I sweat when it's over 90. I'm pretty good up to 90. At 90 - I sweat - and usually sweat until I get get somewhere cooler. I sweat in bed, I sweat on leather car seats and stick, I sweat on whatever I'm doing. You don't want me cooking for you in temperatures above 90 - for the meal will be likely "sweat in".

Why are women generally opposed to A/C? Is it a blood pressure issue? I believe it's a control issue. In my (married since 1981) opinion - women want to control their environment. Women want to control their total sensory environment. Turn that down! (A response to music they don't like.) Change that channel! (Response to a TV show they don't wanna watch.) Turn here! (Responding to your driving North, when Northeast can get you there 1 minute faster.)

If men are going to concede all the above - we should at least demand to make a single environmental decision. Let's all buy thermostat lock boxes, set the A/C where we want it - and keep the key.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

OSD. Obsessive Shorts Disorder

Often I see reports on how you can deduce things about a person, by the things they own - or do - or say. These things reveal inner feelings a person might not be ready to admit. Psychiatrists draw conclusions about people from these things. Obsessive behaviors for example.

I HAVE EIGHTEEN PAIRS OF SHORTS. If you'd asked me how many pairs of shorts I had, I'd have probably answered, "six". I came to my "shorts realization" cleaning out my closet. I rifled through my folded pants - neatly stacking my shorts into a single pile. Soon, my shorts pile was about top topple over. Eighteen pairs of shorts do not sit well in one pile. I'm not talking about underwear. I probably have more than eighteen pairs of underwear. I also have five swim suits.

I have athletic shorts, khaki shorts, cotton shorts, and shorts that are shiney (like Evander Holyfield might wear.) I have short shorts, and long shorts, that make me look like I belong in "the hood". I've collected these shorts over the last 15 years. I must be "shorts compulsive". That's the only conclusion I can make. I have "a thing" for shorts - and I don't understand it. I don't even look good in shorts. I rarely wear shorts in public, reserving shorts for weekends at home and washing the car. Shorts for me are "vacation pants". Maybe that's why I have so many shorts. Maybe deep inside I'm trying to recapture the freedom & joy of vacations long gone. Maybe I associate shorts with really good days, and for $15 I can buy a "piece of a great day." Now, I'm attempting to diagnose my problem. I should leave this to professionals. I need therapy. No person needs eighteen pairs of shorts and five swimsuits. And those of you who have that many - should summon the courage to throw some out. I just can't. I have my shorts neatly stacked in three piles. Now, they're categorized by "casual level".

I'm gonna ask my Doctor if SHORTREX is right for me. SHORTREX - for obsessive shorts disorder. OSD. I'm the first person on earth to admit to the problem. Pray for me that my OSD doesn't ruin my life and I end up alone on the streets pushing a cart with 300 pairs of shorts in it. Maybe I've caught it in time.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Neuview Glasses

You're about to blow your top. Doesn't matter why - you may have just stubbed your toe. You want to scream. Maybe you want to strangle someone - maybe the person that caused you to stub your toe.

Just put on your sunglasses. Your Neuview Lateral glasses. Get a load of this. Neuview glasses direct light at an angle to the optic nerve. The result is said to activate the more rational left side of the brain to balance the emotional right brain that is inflamed during stressful moments.
The idea was researched and developed for psychotherapy at Harvard Medical School.

All right!! Get a pair of these and toss them to your spouse when they get all worked up. "Honey, just put on the glasses. Honey? Put on the glasses. You know how much better you feel when you put on the glasses. Hey! What are you doing? OOOOWWWW!" You now have glasses stuck in your butt. $72 wasted. Because those that need Neuview glasses will be the last to realize they need Neuview glasses.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Internet addicts - Get a life!

Internet addiction. Here it comes. Doctors & Psychiatrists agree - about 10% of us are addicted to the internet. It's basic human nature to over - indulge. It''s like when I do a broadcast at a car dealer and I have a huge box of doughnuts to give away, a man drives up in an old Ford wagon - his family piles out, and they proceed to eat all the Donuts. It's happened dozens of times. Sometimes it's Hot Dogs. The Internet is the Donut/Hot Dog, and we are the family in the Ford.

Families and relationships are falling apart because someone (or both of you) - won't sign the Hell off. What's wrong with you? Hours and hours spent gazing into a screen, until your eyes blur - and for what? Have you ever really gone back and looked at what you surfed when you spent that whole night on-line? You saw music videos, played a flash Brad Pitt pinball game (Brads head was the ball), you looked at curtains and shoes for a while, you investigated the South beach Diet and looked at the September 11 attack from 14 different views. You wrote a letter to your sister, and downloaded a weather bug that was a bug and infected your computer. You then spent one hour screwing with your virus scan trying to get your browser to show anything other than on line poker. Once you got that squared away - you played on line poker and while you didn't lose any money, you gave your e-mail address to a company in Antigua - that's already flooding your e-mail box with on line college degree offers. You bought a couple I-Tunes and a ringtone that sounds like rabbits. That reminded you to spend your on line store Easter gift certificate - so you do - and a Big Toe ring will be shipped in 3 to 5 days. GOOD LORD.

Stop it. Click out of this window. Shut the PC off. Go to "Start" (lower left) and shut the thing off. Do it now. You won't. You can't. You're part of the 10% aren't you?

You're taking all the Doughnuts and Hot Dogs and have only yourself to blame.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Charcoal vs. Gas

This even beats the eternal Ketchup vs. Mustard on a hot dog argument. I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I've used both for decades. I probably eat & weigh more than you - so eating is something I'm confident I know more about. I'm not "call the Fire Department we gotta remove a wall fat" - just a size you'd feel comfortable taking grilling advice from.

Gas wins hands down. Don't give me the "charcoal taste" argument. A good broken in gas grill delivers the same exquisite outdoor taste as charcoal - with 1/5 the mess. Charcoal lovers love the charcoal "process." It's the stacking the brickettes, lighter fluid, waiting for the coals - process. It's the whole ceremony of charcoal you're addicted to, not the taste. You're convinced the "process" makes the food taste better - and it might - in your mind. In reality all you accomplish charcoaling is getting your fingers black from the briquette stacking, and burning your eyebrows from the "whoosh" at light up. I just press a button.

While you're waiting for the fire to get hot - I already have meat on the grill. When your chicken is half done, I'm sitting down to eat my chicken. When you get around to eating your chicken, I'm already asleep in the chair.

Why don't you have a gas grill? I know why. Don't lie to me or try to lie to yourself. You're just too cheap to buy one.

Go ahead, keep your charcoal grill. I smell your eyelashes burning already.

Beans on Toast. Uggh.

Let's look at possible "quickie things to eat."
Bologna & Cheese.
Chips & Dip.
Fish & Chips.
Burger & Fries.
Macaroni & Cheese.
Beans on Toast.

Which of the above doesn't belong? Beans on Toast? Nope. Heinz is betting you are ready for Beans on Toast. Heinz is set to release a "ready meal" version of Beans on Toast. A foil pack with pork & beans sandwiched between two slices of bread - that you can toast or grill. Much thought went onto Beans on Toast - specifically, how many beans can you put between two slices of white bread before the bread becomes soggy from the sauce. Heinz scientists insist "they have it" and are ready for the national roll-out.

Who might eat Beans on Toast? Heinz believes students - because there are no dishes to wash - and they're easy to prepare because apparently all you have to do is, "think Pop Tart" - and ya got it.

I've eaten alot of bizarre things. Hell, I eat things no one else in my family would even think of eating - but - Beans on Toast is where I'm going to draw the line. I like beans. I like toast. If they were separate, I might even dip my toast in the bean sauce, but this is being touted as a main course - when it's an incomplete side dish at best.

I'll wait for the Beans, Potato Salad & Burger on Toast - surely that'll be next.

Paul and the future Ex Mrs. McCartney

Poor Sir Paul. Paul McCartney & Heather Mills are "separated" - after just 4 years. I heard someone comment yesterday, "who cares?" It's not difficult to see why there's interest - after all, Paul was married to Linda for such a long time. It was an enduring love that lasted "until death do us part."

Paul instigated the separation. Right there - it gets bizarre. I've seen divorce statistics that indicate an overwhelming number of divorces (or separations) - are initiated by the woman. It's waaay out of whack. Something like 90% of divorces are pursued by dis-satisfied women. Men, (by and large) - are like old dogs. Loyal & true to the bitter end. Look at the divorces around you. Most, if not all, are initiated by women. WHY then is Paul the one taking this drastic step? He's not the "cute Beatle" any longer.

Are there other women? AAAAAAHHHH. Here we go. Reports are, there are hundreds - let's be honest - THOUSANDS - of women who still ooogle Paul. Women still stalk Paul everywhere he goes. They throw themselves at him. This might be Pauls delayed mid-life crisis. Delayed - because hell - he's over 60.

Pauls biggest issue is the eventual settlement with Heather. Paul was rocks first Billionaire. Paul & Heather have no pre-nuptial agreement. On McCartneys website, he assures us all Heather isn't out to claim his fortune. If this separation was in any way - normal, and initiated by the woman (like it is in nature) - Heather might not be out for blood. BUT - Paul started this ball rolling. Uh - oh. Look for Heather to soon become "Rocks first Ex-wife Billionaire."

Thursday, May 11, 2006

More car for the money.

I own two cars. A Toyota and a Chevy truck. Neither especially luxurious or expensive. I would though, love to give the impression I have more money than I do. Americans do this - because we are judged by the cars we drive. I don't have enough money to drive the cars I'd like to drive - or do I?

Now, through the magic of acrylic computer generated stickers, I can drive anything I want to.
Simply select the car you'd like to drive. A sticker of that car is then placed on the car you currently drive. Only under close inspection will people realize you don't drive a Cobra GT - but a Ford Fiesta. Your Chevy Cavalier can instantly become an Acura NSX.

Three problems: One, Which car do you pay to insure? The car or the sticker? Two, Getaway cars used in crimes will likely be stickered to throw off witnesses. Three, Won't this make your bad car more likely to be stolen? Car thieves aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Look closely next time you see a Ferarri - it might be a Hyundai.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


David Blaine tried to hold his breath for 9 minutes. He failed. He made it just over 7 minutes. Encased inside a sphere full of salt water in New York, David Blaine tried to set the breath holding world record. ABC television and it's 225 affiliates were reduced to a camera shot of a man underwater holding his breath for 7 big minutes. The combined wattage of 225 television stations is, well, alot. That's all ABC broadcast - a man - underwater - holding his breath. There was a 90 minute build-up "pre-breath holding show" - that led up to the event I can't wipe from my mind. I will forever remember this stupid moment - because I will never regain those 2 hours I wasted. On my deathbed - I'll likely try to negotiate with the Lord to have those 2 hours returned to me. I feel this way about the breath holding event - not David Blaine. Millions of us in unison watched this drivel. Why? What's become of us as a society? Are we so hungry for entertainment that we'd watch a man hold his breath on network television? I guess so - and it's sad. David is obviously a talented magician. ABC has already signed him to do 3 more specials. Where does he go from here? David Blaine will place his head in a microwave oven for 10 minutes? David Blaine will let an Elephant stand on his foot for 15 minutes? David Blaine will jump from a plane with no parachute from 10,000 feet!!! David Blaine will eat a live cat! David Blaine will put his feet in quick set concrete and be thrown into the Hudson river while on fire! David Blaine will brew coffee with heat generated by his mind!!! I could produce these specials. They'd all generate ratings. Spots would sell for tens of thousands of dollars - because David Blaine is today's Houdini - and will keep the stunts coming until he kills himself on live television. Who's worse? Blaine or us? Blaine, for sucking us into his deathwish - or us for falling prey to this shock-tainment. Watching a man's body shut down from oxygen deprivation on television was uncomfortable at best. When he hits the ground at 100 miles per hour after jumping from the plane with no parachute - it'll be ugly. ABC will be investigated. We'll all wonder how it came to this. Shock-tainment - you read it here first.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I don't want a Giant TV

I don't want a giant TV. This makes me the only man on Earth that doesn't want one. For the record, I have a 27 inch Sony. It's taken me all my life to rise to the elevation of "Trinitron owner" - and that's good enough for me.

A new poll of men at Big Box stores, reveals the first thing men will do when they get their giant TV home - CALL THEIR MAN FRIENDS AND BRAG. Often, this is followed by the giant TV wannabees - converging on the home of the giant TV owner, and salivating on the set.

Why not a giant TV Bri? First, it becomes the focal point of any room it's placed. Hard not to notice the 1000 pound behemoth screen. The giant TV takes over the room. The room will from then on be called the TV room. There is no option - the TV takes up the whole room.

Giant TV's are impossible to decorate around. Unless your room is decorated in a screen motif, or maybe a Drive In motif, forget it.

At 1000 pounds, it's impossible to clean behind - or ever move. Set it where you want it. Think it through. It will be where you place it the first day, forever (or until it blows up.)

TV shouldn't be that much a part of your life. I like television like the rest of you - but if television is important enough to you to invest in a Buick sized screen, maybe you should re-evaluate your priorities.

LCD, Plasma, HDTV - spare me. Many giant TV's cost more than cars - or at the very least, boats. I suggest you buy a boat and spend more time outside in the sun with your family. Your relationship with them will improve, and you'll all get a little sun.

I also have a prediction. Like boats, the two best days in the life of a giant TV owner are, the day you buy it - and the day you get rid of it.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Who is Elma Farnsworth?

Do you know this woman? You do - and you don't even know it. She is partially responsible for something you use everyday. She was a pioneer. You should thank her. She was the very first person to do something no-one had ever done before. She just died in a Salt Lake City Nursing Home - with no fanfare. She was 98 - and reportedly lucid - right up to the end. She probably bragged about her accomplishments to deaf ears. What she did - is now taken for granted. She made a huge impact on this world - and it's a shame more people didn't recognize her achievements.

She is Elma Farnsworth. She was married to Philo Farnsworth. Philo invented television. Elma helped in the lab. Elma was the first person - ever - on television.

I bet the staff at the nursing home thought she was a crazy old woman when she mentioned that she helped invent the Nursing Home Common Room Sony.
As residents watched their programs, she probably mentioned that she was the very first person on television. I bet most said, "OK Mrs. Farnsworth, let's get you some medication."

I bet Elma in her later years wasn't even allowed to hold the remote.

Thanks Elma - On behalf of TV junkies - everywhere.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Mr. Immigration Man.

It's a song by Crosby & Nash - and a man with his hands tied.

In Chicago, police estimated that 400,000 illegal immigrants marched through the business district, while in New York and Los Angeles hundreds of thousands more did the same. Another 75,000 walked in Denver, about 15,000 in Houston, 50,000 in San Jose and 30,000 more across Florida.

Ann Coulter said it best. "Why not drop a net on these people?"

What do the Illegals want? For their status to go on as it has for years? Illegals want the rewards of citizenship without the sacrifice. Over 30% of every dollar I make - I send to my Government in taxes. I have to. I have a real Social Security number. I am a citizen of the United States. I pay for the roads. I pay for the schools. I pay the Politicians & Police. I fund the environmentalists. I pay benefits to illegal residents of my country. That's right. I pay for food, shelter & clothes for people that are in no way my responsibility. Are the Illegals paying taxes? C'mon. Yes, migrants are a part of our economy. They TAKE from the economy - and don't give back. What do the Illegals want? I don't hear anyone saying they want to become citizens. Why not? Because the deal they have now is sweet.

I've thought it through. I want to exit America, change my name & political status - and re-enter Illegally. I can re-assume the same job I have now, get paid off the books, get free health care, food stamps & rent vouchers. I'm gonna be much better off. When's the next march? I'm in.

Benito Piercequez