Friday, June 30, 2006

Superman is scary

Is there anyone getting more press than Superman right now?

Here is why you should hate or fear Superman.

1. The cape and tights.
This one is too easy, but just in case you hadn't noticed, "The Big S" parades around in red tightie-whities - pulled up over blue tights - with a cape on. There aren't enough gay jokes to even begin to fairly ridicule the costume Superman wears. Not to mention, he has to have around eighty of these outfits because he has never once been spotted doing laundry.

2. He will steal your woman. Jimmy Olsen taught us one thing – Superman might steal your Girlfriend. Who's to say that your woman is safe?

3. Who died and made him decider of good and evil? Do you find it unbelievable that every single person pummeled by Superman is sinister enough to deserve the beating Superman doles out? Superman could abuse his power whenever he wanted. Being a symbol of justice can get to a guy's head pretty fast. Just because someone makes fun of somebody else's cape and tights doesn't mean they should get the living bajesus beat out of them.

4. He shoots laser beams out of his eyes! It's a nifty trick if you need to fry an egg or cut diamonds, but otherwise not so practical. If you find yourself staring longingly into Superman's eyes: A. You are probably wearing tights and a cape too, or B. You are seconds away from getting your retinas burnt out.

5. He has strange allergies. Like that kid who lived down the street in elementary school and had six inhalers, Superman is not human. But unlike your unfortunate neighbor, he didn't develop diabetes at the age of 6, nor is he allergic to bees, chocolate, and bullies. He has a unique - (meaning completely sissy) allergy to green rocks. "Emeralds?" you might ask. No. "Plutonium?" Not quite. "What foul creation could it possibly be?" Well, I'll tell you. The all mighty Superman gets the heeby jeebies every time he comes in contact with Kryptonite.

6. He can see through your wifes shirt. What kind of guy gets to see any woman he wants naked - and not have the women get mad about it? The chicks know he has X-Ray vision, but they see that cape and tights and know he's not a threat. This is also unfair because I’ve never been able to see what's under my wifes shirt.

7. He is super adopted. Not only adopted, but adopted from another planet. Did the teasing ever stop when he was a child? It feels terrible hearing that your parent's found you at the zoo, but hearing that they found you in a meteor from outer space? That has to be detrimental. Maybe that's why he still wears Superman pajamas.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Don't tell me not to drink from the hose.

Now I'm being told it's dangerous to drink from a hose.

The following from a Government release:
No. A standard vinyl garden hose has substances in it to keep the hose flexible. These chemicals, which get into the water as it goes through the hose, are not good for you. They are not good for animals or pets, either, so filling drinking containers for them out of a garden hose is not a good idea unless the water is allowed to run a while to flush the hose before using the water. However, one type of hose on the market is made with a "food-grade" plastic that is approved by the US Food and Drug Administration and will not contaminate the water. Campers with recreational vehicles should use this type of hose when hooking up to a drinking water tap at a campsite. Check with a store that sells accessories for recreational vehicles. Even a well-flushed vinyl hose or a food-grade plastic hose can cause problems, however. The outside thread opening at the end could be covered with chemicals or germs from a previous use. Some children in Gainesville, Fla. became sick after filling water bottles from a hose that had been used to wash garbage cans. There is also the risk that chemicals or poisons can be sucked back into the hose, through backflow, and then re-released.

For the love of God and all things Holy - stop trying to keep me from killing myself. Frankly, I should be dead already. I've swallowed thousands of gallons of hose water. On a hot day, I consider the metallic, rubber taste of hose water - flavoring. The sweet flavor of memories. Hose water has a distinct taste. Hose water takes me back to baseball games and tag. Hose water reminds me of cutting my Grandmas' grass. Water the plants, fill the dog bowl and grab a sip. Spray the patio, wash the car and suck a swig.

Show me the data that concludes I'm at risk drinking from my hose. If I connect a bottle of insecticide to the hose, I wash it off. I'm not putting my lips to rogue hoses. I pretty much know the provenance of my hoses. I always blow the hot, stagnant water out before drinking.

I won't drink from paint cans. I won't drink from old gas cans. I won't wash out a varnish can and re-use it as a water glass. I won't serve ice cold hose water in old bug killer bottles.

If you're stupid enough to poison yourself with hose water - consider it "cleansing the herd" - of the weakest links.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Ban the Fireworks Ban

I can't believe I agree with John Kerry. John Kerry said, and I quote, "Americans have a right to be stupid!" He was defending our right to burn an American flag. I'm not going into that issue here - at the moment - but I'll quote Kerry here - as it pertains to an Americans right to shoot fireworks.

I live in a city that has essentially banned all fireworks. Fireworks of any kind - including smoke bombs, sparklers and those black snake things you set on the driveway. For the last several years my city required you apply for a display permit and register proof of a One Million Dollar insurance policy - if you intended to shoot off fireworks in your backyard. Some people actually did this - many didn't - and shot them anyway. On the 4th of July, in any neighborhood, you could hear firecrackers & bottlerockets. On the 5th of July my yard is typically scattered with the remnants of burned rockets and flying gadgets.

Here in Illinois, we border Missouri - which apparently has legalized explosives of any size. There are bombs equal to a quarter stick of dynamite for sale at roadside stands. Often, Illinoisians buy these contraband fireworks and smuggle them into the state. Make no mistake, I agree these fireworks are dangerous. Fingers are blown off every year. Fires are started. People lose their lives - but - "Americans have a right to be stupid!"

The days of an uncle lighting a trunkload of fireworks from a dangling cigarette - and screaming - RUN!!!!! - are over. Those were the days. My uncle was stupid, my parents were too. The cops were stupid to allow it. The city officials were out of their minds allowing the ruckus.

Each of them "Had the right to be stupid!" When will lawmakers realize they can't legislate brains?

Monday, June 26, 2006

Why it's important to wear a jock.

Ask Tyler Bennet from Colts Neck High School in New Jersey. Ty plays basketball for Colts Neck and had pictures of him playing ball published in the schools' yearbook. Ty was "hanging out" in a couple of the shots - exposed. No one really noticed, but Tyler sure did. Ty's certainly embarrassed. First off, no one noticed until he drew attention to it. Now the whole school has examined his genetalia. Apparently, you have to look closely, but once you do - make no mistake - Tylers there in all his Junior in High School glory. Tyler sued everyone. the school, the Principal, the yearbook advisor, the school board - Tyler demanded all the books be re-called. Tyler claims "emotional distress".

It gets better. The judge threw the case out saying, "It's not that big a deal". The judge suggests he take the case to "small claims court". It's a small little thing. The school was "short-sighted". The wee picture of the "wee" requires a magnifying glass to see it.

Geez. I see why this kid sued. I'd be embarrassed too. Of course, this would never happen to me - as it would be obvious to anyone during the screening process that "something was up with this picture!"

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Saying "Ass" - on the radio

I heard a kid on the radio today say "Ass." In the course of one break on air, he said "Ass" three times. "Whoever" hanging out with your Ass. Get your Ass over to "wherever". Coming up for your Ass, I'm gonna play "whatever".

Good Lord man. Take it easy. Have you just discovered that you can say "Ass" on the radio and not get in trouble? Maybe you believe saying "Ass" gives you an "attitude" that listeners will find desirable. Maybe it's that saying "Ass" makes you "feel cool". Maybe you feel the people listening to you are "Asses". Maybe you've decided to speak exclusively to your audiences rear. I'm not sure. I continued listening. Less than 10 minutes later you spoke again and said "Ass" twice. "Boy, my ass is hot" & something about "getting my ass to do something".

Ass is a good word. I use it now and then too. I just don't make it a point to use it as frequently as "Assman."

Here's a hint for a young broadcaster. Go ahead - use Ass. Say it as much as you want. Two things will be accomplished. One - you'll drive audience to my "non-ass" saying station and Two - You'll make it clear who the Ass

When goin' to work - GET DRESSED.

I see it everyday. People at work - who are not dressed for work. It's pretty clear that when you're the Bank President, you - well, dress like a Bank President. It's all those little jobs underneath Bank President that seem to confuse so many. I work for a Radio Station. Generally, our company dress is casual. But everyday I see Beer logo t-shirts, shorts, sandals & pajamas. The PJ's came on the scene recently. It makes sense to me that if you come in contact with clients of your business, you need to make an effort to get dressed. By dressed, I mean - completely dressed. I'd love to wear flip flops to work. I'd love to wear a ball cap and running shorts, but I don't. At the very least I wear Khakis & a dress shirt. When the weathers extremely hot (or cold with snow) - I may wear jeans. If it's gonna be 90 degrees, I "may" opt for a tee shirt - but it's logo-less & clean. If I have any client contact scheduled, I'm dressed to represent my company.

I'm not griping about my company. Often when there's an employee wearing something offensive, they are told to leave & change. If you find yourself at work wearing pajama pants, flip flops and a Heavy Metal T-Shirt, you might wanna reconsider your clothing options. You'd probably agree that the well dressed employees make more money than you do. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the way you dress is why?

I worked with a kid a few years ago that dressed like a slob everyday. He had all the talent in the world, but it was hard to look past the piercings, tattoos & grease stained shirt. He's no longer with the company. He didn't know what hit him. I bet he feels he was treated unfairly - when it was he that treated his position and my company unfairly.

These underdressers are everywhere. They work in the businesses we frequent. You won't have to look hard to spot them. Be part of the solution and not part of the problem. If it's a weekday and you're reporting to work, for the love of GOD - put on some clothes. Your Mother will be proud.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Mariahs "Drink Holder"

Celebrities. To quote ABC's John Stossel, "Gimme a break!" It seems all celebrities these days have "Personal Assistants." These are people on the stars payroll that are assigned the tasks the celebrity doesn't want to do. There are hairstylists, dog walkers, trainers, baby sitters, maids, butlers & gardeners. The term Personal Assistant, covers alot of ground. It can mean almost anything. The jobs & tasks seem to be very specific. Jen Anniston has a woman on her payroll who does nothing but carry her packages when she's shopping. Apparently Jenn shops often enough to need a "package assistant." Many stars have their own baggage handlers. They're dropped at the airport by their drivers, meet with their personal pilots and have their baggage loaded by their "baggage people." I guess this gives the star someone to fire - if their baggage goes missing. I recall Oprah having a personal phone operator at her home. She doesn't trust answering machines. What kind of dough does that pay? For that matter, what does carrying Brangelinas diaper bag pay? I have many things I don't like to do. I could possibly afford an assistant or two. I want a garage assistant. I want a car wash assistant. Their jobs would be to organize my garage and keep my cars clean. These are full time jobs and I'll pay no more than $20k each. Apply in person. You better be one hell of a garage organizer and an avid car detailer.

I'm on this rant because of Mariah Carey. She's taken the Personal Assistant thing - to a new stratospheric level. Mariah has a "Personal Drink Holder." This person holds Mariahs drink - and places it to her lips when Mariah is thirsty. Think about it. Maybe it's not crazy. Thirst is a funny thing. It can come on in a moments notice. One second, you're OK. The next second - you're parched. With a "Drink assistant" - following you everywhere with a drink, all you'd have to do is give a pre-determined hand signal - and the drink is instantly on it's way. The straw is placed to your lips and you simply - suck. AAAAHH. That was refreshing - and not a moment too soon. I might have died of thirst.

How much does this "Drink specialist" make? Where do you train? You don't hire just anyone to hold your drink. You want an Ivy League trained Drink Holder. From what I understand, East Coast schools churn out almost professional drink holders every day. You'd want references. "So you "held" for Johnny Depp?" "Good." "Why are you no longer "holding" for Depp?" "We got into arguments over ice. I want clients to use crushed - and Johnny's a "cube man"."

Does the Holding job have benefits? Is there a Mariah health plan? What about sick days? Will Mariah have a back-up Drink Holder - or will it be the Drink Holders responsibility to hire and train "Holder Understudies."

Tickets are not selling well for this summers Mariah Carey concert tour. Shows and dates are being cancelled as we speak. I imagine the Drink Holder position is tenuous at best. When ya gota cut back - it's always the Drink Holder that gets it first. I bet if the Drink Holder gets fired - she'll be crushed. No she won't - Mariah is exclusively "cubes."

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Knit me a Ferrarri

Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Why knit booties or gloves when you can knit a Ferrarri? Yep. It's a knitted Ferrarri. I have sock caps & scarves comin' out the wazoo. This is Lauren Porter - an art student - and obviously someone with time on her hands. This wool Ferrarri took 12 miles of thread.

Kinda makes those mittens you're working on look stupid.

Knit me a Yukon Denali XL next. Make it white.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

My Chicken is Raw.

"My Chicken is Raw." This is what I hear each time I grill Chicken. "It's pink in the middle." This usually means I have to return the chicken to the grill to cook even longer. In my opinion, the chicken isn't pink - it's not undercooked in any way. I usually grill chicken for 45 minutes easily. Often I grill the daylights out of it - leaving not one drop of moisture in it. Even then - "This is raw!" I'm expected to serve my family hard, dry chicken - and I'm fed up.

Since I am the griller - you can call me "The Chicken-er." I serve chicken to "Chicken-ee's." Do Chicken-ee's have the right to criticize the Chicken-er? It's like looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm the one who sweated over the 500 degree grill. I'm the one who purchased the chicken, marinated it, trimmed the fat from it, lovingly turned it - and served it. The Chicken-ee's do nothing but sit and wait to be fed. Chicken-ee's should be respectful to Chicken-ers - taking into account all that's involved serving grilled chicken.

This is on my mind because I was just accused last night of serving an overdone steak. In this case I was the Steak-er - and the Steak-ee complained. "I like my steaks pink in the middle!"
Huh? This is too much information for a Grill-er to keep straight. You want hard, dry, overdone chicken, and semi-raw undercooked beef?

What about Pork? Fish? Write all these down and post at the grill please. The grill-er is weary of the complaints.

This Griller longs to be a Grill-ee. I want to be a Chicken-ee & a Steak-ee. I want to sit in the Air Conditioning and have others grill for me. I want the power to criticize what I'm served. This is the part that's easier said than done.

I'd just eat it. From raw to shoe leather - I'd be grateful someone cared about me enough to serve me.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Des Moines is obscene from the air.

To prevent flooding - the city of Des Moines Iowa built a "Retention Basin". It's 4 acres wide and cost about $5 million to build. What were the consultants & engineers thinking when they constructed this basin? What might have been on their mind? No one knew - until we got a look at it from above. Pretty racy - especially for Iowa.

Now here's a look at the proposed new Des Moines lakefront. There is no pricetag yet, but it's expected to be high. Really high.

Whitney Houston Commencement Address


This is real.

"Thank y'all for coming to see me tonight. How are you doing? Let's get this party started, yeah! (Assistant whispers to Whitney.) Oh, oh right. What college is this? East Southern University. Well, hello, ESU. ESU, ESU, ESUUUUU (dances). Let me start by saying, I believe that children are our future ... (hums) ... lead the way ... show them all the beauty they possess inside ... shit it's hot. (Wipes brow and drops fur coat to the ground.) Why you having this shit outside, anyway? You never heard of air conditioning? Where's Bobby? Bobby? You know, I got to tell you a little secret. Just between you and me. (Leans over the podium.) The demons are after Bobby. I try to protect him now, 'cause he's my man, and you ain't mess with my lair, my family. 'Cause family is the most important thing in your life. You need to find a man that has your back, that will do anything for you, deal with your shit, literally, your black love. But what can I say? (Shakes head repeatedly.) Demons after him ... But, Bobby, baby, I just want you to know IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love yooooooooooouuuuu. (Assistant whispers to Whitney, points to note cards on podium.) All right, right now, don't you be bossing Whitney around. (Rummages through note cards.) Who got my glasses? Shit. (Tosses cards into air.) No one needs to tell me how to live life. I am Whitney Houston, baby. I can tell you all you need to know about being a success in life, 'cause I'm a diva. You know, they say everybody searching for a hero ... people need someone to look up to ... Well, let me tell you—I never found anyone to fulfill my needs ... so I learned to depend on me. You can't depend on nobody but yourself. Everybody is out to get you. The tabloids, the demons, the bitch ass at the Chinese place that always messes up my order. The only person I depend on to get through the day is God and Whitney. If you have God, if I have God, they can't take away our dignity! We'll have the greatest love of all. Inside of me. And let me tell you something else. You succeed in the world like I have, you don't do cheap shit, OK, Diane Sawyer? Crack is cheap. I make too much for me to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight, OK? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack. Stay in school, I tell you. You got to stay in school. (Assistant whispers to Whitney.) Right, right, right. OK, you out of school now. Well, use your education to be a lawyer or banker or teacher or something. I didn't need an education. God gave me a voice to sing, and when you have that, what other gimmick is there? So find your strength in love, baby. Where's Bobby? Bobby? Who's that in the front row—the demon with the black robes on? They're everywhere, hundreds of black-robed demons! Bobby, they coming for you! Get my gun out of the Lincoln, baby. (Knocks over podium, revealing pajama pants worn over a bathing suit.) Hold on, baby. God is on his way. He told me to hold on. He's on his way. Where's my pistol, goddamn it?!?"



Because of the hectic demands placed on her by her performance at the 2006 Olympics back in February, Ms. Houston has been suffering from severe exhaustion and regrets that any part of her commencement speech at East Southern University was taken out of context. Ms. Houston believes that education is the greatest priority a young mind should have, and she is proud of the young men and women at ESU who made a commitment to education and saw it through. She wishes all recent graduates much success in the work force and hopes that her own perseverance and determination will serve as an inspiration to those who are in the midst of achieving their dreams.

Friday, June 09, 2006

A Radio Vet vents on new FCC fines.

The House on Wednesday overwhelmingly passed a bill that would raise the maximum fine for indecent broadcasts to $325,000 - ten times more than the current limit of $32,500. The same bill passed in the Senate, and it will now be sent to President Bush, who will likely sign it into law. Once that happens, broadcasters will face a bigger hit to the bottom line should they let a curse word or overly realistic sex scene onto their airwaves between the hours of 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.*

We can't inspect more than 5% of the containers entering U.S. ports, but by golly, we can keep America safe from curse words!

These fines are working out great. Notice how much more clean and decent the media's become in the last ten years? I think they should fine TV networks every time they put a new sitcom on the air about a fat guy and his hot wife.

Once again, I blame Janet Jackson's right breast.

What are the words we can't say? In my several decades speaking into a live broadcast microphone, I have never been presented a list of words I can't say. All I hear is, "You know what not to say!" I do? OK maybe I do - but what about those words that aren't so "black & white?" These are the "gray area" words - and where I'm most likely to slip up.

Here's how the lawyers sum it up. See if you can make anything of this.

To be obscene, material must meet a three-prong test:
The average person, applying contemporary community standards, must find that the material, as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest;
The material must depict or describe, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by applicable law; and
The material, taken as a whole, must lack serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value.
Programming the FCC deems "obscene" usually depicts or describes raunchy sexual conduct.

Charges that a broadcast is "indecent" are much more common, and includes material that does not rise to the level of "obscene." To be "indecent," the FCC must find that:
The material must depict or describe, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by applicable law; and
The broadcast is "patently offensive" as measured by contemporary community standards for the broadcast medium.
In determining whether material is "patently offensive," the FCC must consider the full context in which the material appeared, including the explicitness of the depiction or description, whether the material repeats the depiction or description of sexual or excretory organs or activities, and whether the material appears to pander or is used to titillate or shock.Community standards are not based on any particular geographic area, or any particular viewer or listener. The FCC instead attempts to weigh the sensibilities of the "average" broadcast viewer or listener.If the FCC finds complained-about material to be "indecent," and aired between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., it will find a violation.Examples of "indecent" material include sexually-charged descriptions or depictions of penises, testicles, breasts, and sex acts. The FCC's enforcement bureau found that when U2's Bono said "Fuck" recently during an awards show - it may have been crude and offensive, but did not meet the first part of the indecency test because it did not describe or depict sexual or excretory organs or activities. In its words, "the performer used Fuck as an adjective or expletive to emphasize an exclamation." It also found that it was a "fleeting and isolated remark" that did not warrant FCC action.


I once said testicles on the air. It was 1976 and almost fired. I didn't say testicles to shock. I said it to describe what I saw in a cosmetic surgery magazine that had been accidentally mailed to my house. No one laughed - especially when I followed the conversation with the song "Red Rubber Ball."

Just the other day I said "Pubic". Seemed like a "Gray area" word to me - but I was assured it was OK. I was talking about the trend of adult women to go bald - because they're tired of bikini waxing. I guess this fell into the "Oprah-esque" adult conversation that isn't being fined.

In my opinion, the trick is to have no-one complain to the F.C.C.. The Government won't investigate until there's a complaint. If the talent has bonded with their audience in an adult manner for a number of years, the audience accepts what the talent feels is appropriate. This is where I am in my career. I bet if my boob fell out - or I used bad language (intermittently- not daily) - no one would complain. No shit. I bet my ass on it.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Donkey Bombs

Terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead. I'm happy about it. It's odd. I don't recall ever being happy someone was dead.

I used to want John Denver to die. I really did. I hated him - because his career took off about the same time Jim Croce died - and I somehow blamed Denver. This sick twisted notion stayed in my head for years - until Denver met his untimely death a few years ago. I thought I'd be happy about it. I wasn't. I had matured.

Not the case with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I'm pleased with his demise. But, does my pleasure in his death make me in any way - like him? This turd apparently took pleasure in murder and torture. How did he avoid capture so long? Hell, steal a car in the U.S. - and you're busted 95% of the time in a few days. I'd hate to have a Police Department after me. It'd be scary to have the Sheriff's office after you. The Feds after me would shake me up. I bet Abu had a constant pain in his stomach knowing the entire American military was after his ass - after all, the guns are alot bigger.

Am I in any way like Abu? No. A definitive no. Here's how I know. Those terrorist fu*%s have blown up all their cars. It looks as if the car bombs may be about over. They're now strapping bombs to donkeys. I kid you not. Donkeys.
How effective will a bomb laden Donkey - walking at 1/2 m.p.h. be - at wreaking havoc? Not good. Not good at all. Abu (was) so sick - he authorized the implementation of Donkey Bombs. I would never in a thousand years strap explosives on a dumb animal.

Abu smart? Hardly. The world is a better place today. Maybe Abu's replacement will re-think the Donkey bombs. Do all of us a favor and strap the explosives to yourselves. The world still needs Donkeys.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Naked driving.

Close your eyes and pretend for a moment you're driving your car naked. Yep. Naked as a jaybird. You're steering & braking & signaling and performing every function of operating a vehicle - devoid of clothing.

Why might you do that? Maybe it's hot - unbearably hot. You have no A/C and the windows don't go down. That's plausible. Maybe you don't want armpit stains on a special shirt you plan on wearing that night. Maybe in the process of taking off the shirt, you thought, "What the Hell, I'll take off my pants too!"

So here you are - naked behind the wheel. I imagine it feels nice. Probably liberating. The restrictive shackles of clothing might make you a better driver.
What's the big deal? No - one can see anything. No - one but truck drivers. Their sheer height - allows truck drivers to look down upon you wearing nothing but a lap belt.

Imagine the surprise Loannis Mpletsakis felt when he met Police Officers in New Jersey. That's right - Loannis Mpletsakis is his name (sounds like a naked driver name to me) - and he was completely nude. What might he be up to? Why on Earth would Loannis operate his vehicle this way? Actually. Loannis crashed his BMW into a truck - and realizing he was naked, checked to see if the other driver was OK - then fled on foot. He apparently sought the dignity of nearby bushes. Loannis wasn't thinking clearly. He had a number of excuses why he was naked at the ready. I've already listed a few. The trick here is when dealing with Police Officers - "believable excuses" - and Loannis couldn't come up with even one.

The excuse he gave was, "I was coming home from swimming in a pool full of chemicals - and chose to take off my bathing suit so as to not ruin the leather seats in my BMW." Ouch Loannis! Bad call. Bad ad-lib. That's his story and he's sticking with it.

Loannis is a cop by the way - and his trial continues on a variety of charges.

The prosecution plans to sit naked on leather seats to prove they can withstand the wear - and they can - I oughta know - I drove to work naked this morning.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Showers are good.

I like showers. Not baths - showers. I like being clean. I like deodorant and all that jazz. I like a good shave and expensive shampoo. I like trimmed fingernails and my hair in place. Occasionally, I wear cologne or after shave. I like clean clothes. I want dry cleaner pressed shirts & slacks. I want heavy starch & shined shoes. I try to keep the hair trimmed from my nose & ears. I don't mean to bring GOD into this, but you know what they say - "Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

Clean people aren't born that way. We're born sticky - and quickly stink up the place. Being clean is something that is taught. I obviously learned to be clean. I have clean parents and a clean house. I've raised clean children and drive a clean car. It's not very often that someone who is not clean - suddenly becomes clean. Have you seen the home cleaning shows? A team moves in and cleans the home of people with OCD. The homeowner squirms and fidgets through the whole show - because to them - clean is not comfortable. Filth is something they hide behind. It's a mask of sorts - masking their innermost discontentment.

There are many people I believe aren't clean. Brad Pitt for one. His body odor is legendary. Russell Crowe looks dirty to me too. Courtney Love strikes me as someone who needs to bathe. Imagine my amazement when I discovered that the person I considered for the "Dirtbag Hall of Fame" - Kevin Federline - actually cleaned up.

But, just like the home cleaning shows (as soon as the camera crew leaves, the crap begins stacking up - and suddenly the place is a pig sty again) - KFed will be back to his normal smelly self right away. This can't last.