Thursday, August 31, 2006

Here's why New Orleans didn't flee Katrina

Tropical Storm Ernesto faked out the forecasters.

And it could easily happen again, says Max Mayfield, director of the National Hurricane Center.

"The simple truth is there are some processes in hurricanes that we don't understand yet," particularly storm intensity, he said. "I want people to understand: This is the state of the science."

Forecasters predicted Ernesto would ram South Florida with near-hurricane force and up to 15 inches of rain. But it brought little more than drizzly, gusty weather.

Based on those forecasts, businesses, government offices, airports and schools shut down or scaled back on Tuesday and Wednesday. Residents put up shutters, waited in long lines for gas and jammed grocery stores.

Faked out. This happens on the Gulf coast. Get faked out once you feel bad. Get faked out twice, you get aggravated. Get faked out time & time again - you decide to "ride it out."

This is precisely what happened in New Orleans. Through the years forecasters have predicted the Crescent City would be slammed. It never was. The storm always fizzled. The storm always veered and hit Texas to the west or Mississippi to the east. It always happened this way. Tens of thousands of South Louisiana residents will back me up.

As we commemorate Katrina's one year anniversary and question why on Earth would anyone decide to "ride out" a hurricane - I give you Ernesto.

But there was an injury. A woman slipped on a slightly wet sidewalk.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Jiffy Lube. Buyer beware.

Jiffy Lube is nationwide. Jiffy Lube serves 30,000,000 customers a year. Jiffy Lube is ripping you off.

OK. Maybe not. But there's a 70% chance they are.

KNBC-TV Los Angeles, planted mini TV cameras into 2 cars then took them in for service at several Southern California Jiffy Lubes. Apparently Jiffy Lube will change your oil - but that's about it. If Jiffy Lube says you need a new fuel filter - and proceeds to charge you for it - more times than not - they won't perform the work. If you pay for a transmission flush - Jiffy Lube won't do it. There's more and it's outrageous.

Have you ever inspected your dipstick after an oil change? Me neither. Have you ever stood on your head to see if you have a new fuel filter? Have you ever lifted the hood to see if you really got the new air filter you just paid for? If you weren't watching, would you really know if your tires were rotated? Would you even know what a new oil filter looked like? Would you know WHERE to look? Did you inspect your cooling system after you paid to have it flushed? Nope.

Jiffy Lube brass won't go further than to say "they'll address the situation."

Think about it. Even the oil drains from your car out of view. How am I to assume they even did the oil change?

This isn't getting enough press nationally and I'm not sure why. It seems that lazy employees simply didn't do the work, because "it was out of sight - out of mind" & "easy to get away with."

This is in no way to imply that every Jiffy Lube operates like those chosen randomly in Southern California, but it sure makes ya wonder. Makes ya want to install little cameras beneath your car, or better still, have your car inspected by another professional anytime you have work done at a "Quickie Lube Joint."

Is the muffler man trying to figure out how to make your car quiet WITHOUT really changing the muffler? Now I think if he could get away with it, he might try it. Probably did. On a deaf customer.

Friday, August 25, 2006

The biggest Refrigerator ever.

Often on these pages I fantasize about things I want. This is what I want. New from General Electric. The 6 foot wide REFRIGERATOR!

It's called the "Monogram" and costs over $13,000. It's a built in fridge with the freezer on the bottom. If you subscribe to the "bigger is better" theory, this fridge is for you. Never mind that you'll have to tear down a couple of walls in your kitchen to install this baby.

The advantages are obvious. You can store enough food in this appliance to reduce your grocery store trips to three times a year. Rent a truck, go to the grocery store, spend about $3000, and fill 'er up. I often end up with too many salad dressings. No big deal now. I could store 25 half used ranch dressing bottles here. I could have 15 ketchups and countless jars of pickles. I could hoard mustard. I could buy 10 gallons of milk. Hell, I could buy a dairy cow and store every drop. When cheese is on sale you can buy every bag. Who doesn't like Ice Cream? Why limit yourself to vanilla, when you can have your own "virtual Baskin Robbins" with 31 different flavors?

See what I mean? This is the answer to my prayers. I figure I can get it installed with about
$10,000 in modifications to my kitchen. Add the $13,000 purchase price and a $23,000 bank loan - and for about $500 a month for 72 months - Fridge Nirvana.

Every 30 days I'll make my House payment, Car payments, Credit Card payments and my Fridge payment. If I miss a payment, let's just see if the bank resists repossession. After all, they'll have to remove my roof to lift it out with a crane.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Poop on Bird Poop

Have you ever been pooped on by a bird? My son insists that's "pee' - not "poop" - (something he learned in school) - but anyway, of course you've been in the "poop cross hairs."

Anywhere birds of any kind congregate, there's poop. If this is an area frequented by humankind, it's messy & unhealthy. For years, city leaders have tried to find a way to repel birds. No birds - No poop. Sounds simple. It isn't.

Here in Springfield we have pigeons that roost on the Capital Building roof. They've "greased the ledges" - sprayed predator pee - and even blasted horns. Nothings really worked. Ask anyone who parks their car at the Capital if the bird deterrents have worked. You'll get a speedy reply. "No!"

Recently a company began selling a "Bird spike strip." Simply place it on any ledge you want to keep birds from landing on. The birds float their butts onto the razor like spikes - and you'd think - fly away. Some do. Many simply impale their bird bodies onto the spikes and fall dead.
Ask the people that park their cars under ledges with "Bird spike strips" - if they work as intended. You'll get a speedy reply as they brush the dead birds from their car, "No!"

The city of Chicago is next with a brilliant plan to get rid of birds. The birds in question here are actually Canadian Geese. They're eating the grass in Grant Park. The Chicago Park District just spread 200 gallons of a "digestive irritant'. The chemical is supposed to give the Geese diarrhea within 20 minutes. The geese are then supposed to "get the idea" and leave. In a couple of weeks, ask Grant Park visitors who've been beneath Canadian Geese with explosive diarrhea if this was a good idea. I can tell you the answer now. "No!"

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Monday, August 21, 2006

What does Bush have to do with JonBenet?

It took less than a week for someone to accuse the Bush Administration of having something to do with the obsessive JonBenet Ramsey coverage.

The theory is, if the newschannels are talking about JonBenet, they're not talking about Iraq - and Iraq is something the administration doesn't want us talking about.

If you're still with me, Arianna Huffington is the dolt with the accusation. Arianna. Ya know, the lost Gabor sister? "Dahling, the Bush must be soooo happy!" Sure, the newschannels are on to something else. That's what newschannels do. They aren't in the news game for historic record. They're not there to promote an agenda. The newschannels exist to cover the news. I think we all agree that Iraq as a news story was cooked a long time ago. Americas work in Iraq will be long & exaustive. Newschannels don't have the fortitude to stick with it. Is this bad for anyone? Yes. It's bad for the naysayers, the quitters & the Democrats. Without television newschannels drowning us with Iraq blather all day every day, we might go on about our lives - blind to the "mess we've made." I know our mission in Iraq will be tough, long & dangerous. I don't need CNN to tell me that. I feel safer knowing the Bush administration is hunting terrorists down.

JonBenet is the news. The asswipe with the confession is the news. To accuse the Bush administration of celebrating Iraqs "fall from front page grace" - is absurd.

Most of America know what's going on in Iraq, and believe in the mission no matter how much Arianna doesn't support it. What I wanna know is, what is going to happen with the JonBenet asswipe? The newschannels are there for me.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

83 words you can't say on Verizon Wireless

This is directly from the Verizon front office.

Nice to see the rules spelled out so clearly.

No content provided to Subscribers of Verizon Wireless from Content Providers, whether in the form of text, audio, images, video or otherwise, may contain any of the words listed in Appendix A. This includes any variations in spelling of the words (e.g., fuck, phuck, fucks, fucker, fucked, fucking, etc.), any variations in pronunciation of the words (e.g., nigger, nigga, niggahs, etc.) or any combinations or creations containing any of the words (e.g., ass, assboy, asslicker, uptheass, etc.).

Nonetheless, it is not possible to compile a definitive list of unacceptable words. Language is fluid, with new words and phrases regularly entering the public vocabulary, and established meanings may change over time. For this reason, the list of prohibited words in Appendix A may change from time to time and is not meant to be all-inclusive.


Good thing I provide no content to Verizon. I would be sooooo busted.

Monday, August 14, 2006

One man's obscenity is another woman's tree farm.

The DMV in Columbus Ohio think that a 74-year-old woman is so into internet slang, that she wanted to get a licence plate reading "NWTF. The only thing obscene about this woman is her last name.

Pat Niple is 74 years old. She ordered her license plates and renewal stickers by mail. This year, the Bureau of Motor Vehicles returned her check, accompanied by a letter."The letter stated that I could no longer have my license plate, which was NWTF," she said. Niple's personalized plates are NWTF, an abbreviation of Northwood Tree Farm. It also means something else, officials said. "Apparently, the young people use it on the computer."

FYI: Inside sources at IDOT say don't even try to get plates with any of these combinations:



I have personalized plates. The letters spell out my feelings on the current state of the world. "Every Act of Terrorism means Escalation" - or as the plate reads, "EAT ME".

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

BP. We're being "Piped" - not "Hosed"

All this time I thought the Oil Companies were hosing me. Now I realize I was being "piped" all along.

This BP Prudhoe Bay pipeline thing, has me all worked up. BP just released company numbers showing a $54 Billion profit. At the same time it was disclosed they spent right at $1 Billion for repair & upkeep of their facilities. Now, were being told gasoline will skyrocket in price.

The pipeline in question is 16 miles long. That may seem like an engineering hurdle to jump over, but if BP threw dollars at the problem - It'd be repaired in days. Days. Why isn't BP moving mountains to correct the situation? The answer lies in math. Really simple math.

As it turns out, the oil business is the only business that can instantly pass on the cost of doing business to customers in real time. BP oil from elsewhere will fetch a higher price - and the bottom line is well - the same.

Let's say you run a Dairy Queen. You serve a hot fudge sundae containing a cockroach to a woman. She sues. You lose $10 million. Do you raise the cost of soft serve? Of course not. It's the cost of doing business.

Your coffee machine company vice-president is sued for lewd behavior. You lose $30 million. While it will be a pain in the pocketbook - coffee makers will not jump in price.

You're State Farm. You are obligated to pay billions in hurricane damage claims. You can't just raise rates - uuhh - OK, I got this wrong. The Insurance business is the only business that can hose customers as badly as oil companies - and they do it without a single pipe.

Throw 'em all in jail. Every oil executive and insurance man on the planet. It felt good just typing that.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The McRules.

Joanna works at a McDonald's in Walker, Louisiana and she has some McRules for you to follow if you want to eat at her McDonald's.

The spelling, grammatical & punctuation errors are included. She posted this on her MySpace page. It's since been removed. Read, and you'll see why.


1. If we have temporarily run out of an item on the menu, dont cry about it and make stupid commetns about how "this never happens at burger king!" either order something else or get the hell out!.

2. If something is out-of-order, get over it. The world is an imperfect place and mcdonalds is not immune to that.

3. If im on my break and eating in the lobby, dont ask me to fetch you BBQ sauce. just because im still in uniform does not mean im on the clock.

4. If you dont speak english well, bring an interpreter.. if not dont get upset when your order gets messed up.

5. Dont confuse franchises! we dont biggie size, we dont have onion rings or nachos, and may not "have it your way".

6. Dont roll your eyes at me if you just paid me eight dollars and forty three cents in change and im counting to verify..its my register and ill do it my way.

7. If you dont see tomatoes on the sandwich in the picture dont fucking ask me to take them off. The big mac has been around for ages.. it dosent have tomatoes..

8. Dont start handing me change after ive already totaled your order, opened my register and started counting your change. Its not my fault you were too slow..just take what i give you!

9. Keep your sweaty, wrinkly bills to yourself..along with your sticky change.

10. Dont fucking ask me if your sauce is in the bag if you never asked for it in the first place.

11. When i hand you your food.. and say "have a nice day!" you better respond with a smile, a "thanks, you too" or at least acknowledge my existence.. its called being polite people..

12. Dont scream at me if i ask you to repeat your order.. we're talking about cheeseburgers , not calm down!

13. Dont come into the lobby two minutes before we close. chances are ive already cleaned ,and it will only cause me to do unspeakable things to your (already stale) food.

14. If you ask me for a moment to decide , dont ask me "are you ready" you needed more time - not me!

15. If you have a "turbo disel" truck or an abnormally loud about turning off the engine genius? instead of trying to order over the noise .. I guarentee you'll find it much easier to understand each other.

16. Dont act offended when i check your bills to see if they are counterfeit. Everywhere else you bring it, they're going to do the same thing.

17. Please dont order a combo and then when i ask what kind of drink you tell me you dont want one. that defeats the whole purpose of ordering a fucking combo idiot!

18. When you pull to the window and hear/see me taking another order.. dont start talking to me about your order you rude whore.

19. After you pay, proceed to the next window if noone is in front of you.. Our buisness is over.

20. Listen when i say "your recipt will be at the next window" dont sit there and stare at me after i close the window.

21. Please learn what time breakfast ends and lunch starts. no .. i dont serve burritos all day. This is not jack-in-the-box.

22. If you're a senior citizen , dont think you can drive past the speaker and say you forget to order.. go back around like everyone else! you already get discounts ..what more special favors do you expect?!

23. For the LOVE OF GOD, if you know you should..then cover your damn self up! just cause its drive-thru dosent mean you shouldnt dress decent still.

24. If your card is declined.. dont ask why and assume its our fault. Put some damn money in the bank cheap ass.

25. Do realize that i can hear everything you say from the moment you pull up to the speaker till you drive off. so if you're talking shit , dont act so suprised when im not exactly friendly when you get to the window.

26. If im busy taking an order, dont put your money on the ledge and not expect me to do the same thing with your change.

27. Does this look like toys-r-us? who cares if your kid's got 10 of the same toy already.. thats telling me you dont feed them at home enough

28. I fucking know what PLAIN means.. dont feel the need to include that means "meat and cheese only!"

29. You are about 10 feet from the window when you are at the speaker..dont ask me what you total is when i told you once AND it was on the screen.

30. Dont order a large ice cream cone.. they're all one size.

31. Dont come through drive thru after your mid life crisis in your new sports car.. and try to impress me with your 1987 pick up lines.

32. Dont come through drive thru and then tell the manager at the 2nd window that i was rushing you. Drive thru is SUPPOSED to be fast.

33. Dont ask me if we do cash back, this isent a bank.

34. Dont order free water and then sit in front my window and ask what the hold up arent paying for it anyway..

35. If you ordered a burger without pickles and they somehow ended up there anyway.. just pick them off because thats all im going to do when you bring it back to me to "fix it".

36. CLEAN. UP. YOUR. MESS . those trash cans are conveniently located next to the exits for a reason.

37. If you are the passenger of the car or in the backseat and you know that you dont talk very loud.. dont try to order for everyone in the car..

38. Please quiet your kids and other passengers from trying to order all at the sametime. I can only listen to one person at a time.

39. If you let go of your money before i grab it, or you drop it while i am handing it to you.. dont look at me like you really expect me to get it for you..besides you're closer.

40. What's the point of "easy ice"?? our ABS machine dosent even have that setting. either order no ice or take what you get.

41. if you wouldnt talk like you have SHIT in your mouth, i could understand you the first time...

42. If you see me having a conversation for a few seconds with the car in front of you.. dont be an asshole and honk your horn.. you will get your food soon enough, chances are it isent even bagged yet.

43. DONT TALK SHIT as you are leaving the first window. I still have another window i can catch you at..and trust me I WILL.!

This is the drivel of a minimum wage hack - who will always be a minimum wage hack. Has she earned the right to insult customers like this? Of course not. Here's hoping she's on the beach looking for another job. I take that back. I wouldn't wish this turd with an attitude on any employer.

Good thing I'm not the Walker Louisiana McDonalds Franchisee. I'd clean house. Hell, I'd consult a lawyer about suing this dipshit.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Cook in your car during the heatwave

The heat wave has engulfed America. Let's take advantage. Let's save valuable time. Let's cook in the car. IN the car. While you toil away at what you do - your dinner can be simmering in the volcanic heat of your cars interior.

Let's say your menu is to include fresh salmon, baked potato & snap peas. Lay the salmon in the back window on oiled foil. Place the snap peas in a shallow container on the center console, and place the potato in your glove box. At the end of the day, your car not only has cooked that evenings meal - it smells great too. Be careful not to slam on the brakes on the way home (ya don't wanna catch the salmon in the back of the head.)

Maybe sirloin and rice pilaf is to your liking. Place seasoned sirloin on the dash at 9am. Make the rice pilaf in your drink holders. Each drink holder will hold approximately 2 servings of rice. By 5pm, dinner is served. The only problem will be trying to resist eating these delicacies in the car on the way home.

While I advocate using your car as a stove, I can't condone eating these meals behind the wheel. Who's gonna steer the car while you cut your steak?