Saturday, January 31, 2009

Bacon Haikus

Ultimate bacon

to thee I pledge to ingest

please don’t let me die.

Sinatra, swine man

the chairman of the skillet

Fry me to the moon.

With cheeseburger class

donut sensibility

and bacon swagger.

Mint is for bitches

Cinnamon is just a joke

Make mine bacon floss.

Bacon wrapped shrimp

[Strips that] go down like water

(minus the chewing)

How is it diet?!

There must not be real bacon.

And therefore no soul.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The White House Record Collection.

When Barack Obama moved into the White House on January 20th, he gained access to five chefs, a private bowling alley -- and a killer collection of classic LPs.

Rolling Stone magazine reports that stored in the basement of the executive mansion is the official White House Record Library: several hundred LPs that include landmark albums in rock (Led Zeppelin IV, the Rolling Stones' Let It Bleed), punk (the Ramones' Rocket to Russia, the Sex Pistols' Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols), cult classics (Captain Beefheart's Trout Mask Replica, the Flying Burrito Brothers' The Gilded Palace of Sin) and disco. Not to mention records by Santana, Neil Young, Talking Heads, Isaac Hayes, Elton John, the Cars and Barry Manilow.

During the waning days of the Nixon administration, the RIAA, the record companies' trade group, decided the library should include sound recordings as well as books. In 1973, the organization donated close to 2,000 LPs. The bad news: The selection was dominated by the likes of Pat Boone, the Carpenters and John Denver. In 1979, legendary producer John Hammond convened a new commission to update the list for the hipper Carter administration. The result: 200 rock records were added to the library.

On January 13th, 1981, the LPs — each in a sleeve with a presidential seal — were presented to Jimmy Carter at a White House ceremony. But the collection — placed in a hallway near the third-floor listening room, complete with a sound system — didn't remain upstairs long. When Ronald Reagan took office that year, the LPs were moved to the basement. Depending on the source, the reason was Nancy Reagan's distaste for shelves of vinyl, or the edgy choices themselves.

A spokesman for Obama said it was too early to comment on whether the president would revive the library.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

New Prez blows off 48 Medal of Honor recipients.

Barack Obama may have stumbled over his words briefly during his inauguration, but he made an even bigger blunder later that same night. The newly sworn-in President didn't appear at what should have been one of the most important Balls on his agenda that evening - The Salute to Heroes Inaugural Ball.

The Salute to Heroes Inaugural Ball was begun in 1953 for President Dwight Eisenhower's inauguration. The event recognized recipients of the Medal of Honor, the nation's highest military award. There were 48 Medal of Honor recipients in attendance, who were undoubtedly disappointed by the Commander-in-Chief's failure to show. Over the past 56 years and 14 inaugurations, no President has skipped this event - until now.

The Salute to Heroes Inaugural Ball is sponsored by the American Legion, and co-sponsored by 13 other veteran's service organizations, including those such as the Paralyzed Veterans of America and the Military Order of the Purple Heart.

Instead of attending this ball honoring our nation's heroes, Obama was busy making stops at 10 other official balls.

Celebrities were a plenty at the balls, with Stevie Wonder, Shakira, Mary. J. Blige, Faith Hill, Jay-Z, Alicia Keys, Adam Levine,, Sting, Mariah Carey, and Leonardo DiCaprio in attendance at the Neighborhood Ball. In addition, the other nine balls also featured a star-studded lineup including Kanye West and Kid Rock at the Youth Ball, Marc Anthony at the Western Ball, and Cheryl Crow at the Western Ball.

It was the party without all of the celebrities that Obama skipped. The very people who he sought to have support him during his candidacy and campaign, who have fought to protect this country, were snubbed in favor of publicity and the opportunity to rub shoulders - yet again - with the out-of-touch Hollywood elite.

The Obameter: Tracking Obama's Campaign Promises

PolitiFact has compiled about 500 promises that Barack Obama made during the campaign and is tracking their progress on the Obameter. They rate their status as No Action, In the Works or Stalled. Once they find action is completed, they rate them Promise Kept, Compromise or Promise Broken.

The 1474 Megapixel Inaugration Photo.

Click here.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Obama supporters desecrate American Flag in Baltimore


Use of flag for advertising purposes; mutilation of flag Any person who, within the District of Columbia, in any manner, for exhibition or display, shall place or cause to be placed any word, figure, mark, picture, design, drawing, or any advertisement of any nature upon any flag, standard, colors, or ensign of the United States of America; or shall expose or cause to be exposed to public view any such flag, standard, colors, or ensign upon which shall have been printed, painted, or otherwise placed, or to which shall be attached, appended, affixed, or annexed any word, figure, mark, picture, design, or drawing, or any advertisement of any nature; or who, within the District of Columbia, shall manufacture, sell, expose for sale, or to public view, or give away or have in possession for sale, or to be given away or for use for any purpose, any article or substance being an article of merchandise, or a receptacle for merchandise or article or thing for carrying or transporting merchandise, upon which shall have been printed, painted, attached, or otherwise placed a representation of any such flag, standard, colors, or ensign, to advertise, call attention to, decorate, mark, or distinguish the article or substance on which so placed shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished by a fine not exceeding $100 or by imprisonment for not more than thirty days, or both, in the discretion of the court.

The words ``flag, standard, colors, or ensign'', as used herein, shall include any flag, standard, colors, ensign, or any picture or representation of either, or of any part or parts of either, made of any substance or represented on any substance, of any size evidently purporting to be either of said flag, standard, colors, or ensign of the United States of America or a picture or a representation of either, upon which shall be shown the colors, the stars and the stripes, in any number of either thereof, or of any part or parts of either, by which the average person seeing the same without deliberation may believe the same to represent the flag, colors, standard, or ensign of the United States of America.

(July 30, 1947, ch. 389, 61 Stat. 642; Pub. L. 90-381, Sec. 3, July 5, 1968, 82 Stat. 291.)

Amendments 1968--Pub. L. 90-381 struck out ``; or who, within the District of Columbia, shall publicly mutilate, deface, defile or defy, trample upon, or cast contempt, either by word or act, upon any such flag, standard, colors, or ensign,'' after ``substance on which so placed''.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Random Inaugration Jokes.

Q. What's an example of irony?

A. Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to sing "Born in the USA" at Barack Obama's inauguration.

Q. Why will Obama quit begging for donations once he's sworn in?

A. Because he'll no longer have to ask.

President Obama is being criticized because his inaugural celebrations are projected to cost the taxpayers over $400 million. When asked about it, Obama explained that Ted Kennedy planned to attend and there was going to be an open bar.

President Obama plans to ride in the inaugural parade without the traditional limousine. He'll be in a sleigh pulled by reindeer.

Q. Why did the Secret Service double security on Michelle Obama immediately after the inauguration?

A. If something happened to her, then Barack would be in charge.

Q. Why will there two presidential limousines for the inauguration?

A. So Hillary won't know which one he's in.

Q. Why will Obama hold a séance once he's in the White House?

A. So that he can thank many of those who voted for him.

Obama's staff is preparing for his first press conference as President. They're busy writing the questions.

Q. Why will Obama ride in the back of a Presidential limousine?

A. The Vatican wouldn't sell him a Pope-Mobile.

Q. Why will President Obama get a new puppy for the White House?

A. Joe Biden is getting on in years.

Friday, January 16, 2009

USAir hero was an Air Force fighter pilot

Meet Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III.

Sullenberger, 57, of Danville, Calif., is a former fighter pilot who runs a safety consulting firm in addition to flying commercial aircraft. He had been studying the psychology of keeping airline crews functioning even in the face of crisis.

"When a plane is getting ready to crash with a lot of people who trust you, it is a test," he said. "Sulley proved the end of the road for that test. He had studied it, he had rehearsed it, he had taken it to his heart."

Sullenberger became an instant hero Thursday, earning accolades from those aboard US Airways Flight 1549, from New York's mayor and governor, and from an online fan club.

Sullenberger has flown for US Airways since 1980, flew F-4 fighter jets with the Air Force in the 1970s. He then served on a board that investigated aircraft accidents and participated later in several National Transportation Safety Board investigations.

He is president of Safety Reliability Methods, a California firm that uses "the ultra-safe world of commercial aviation" as a basis for safety consulting in other fields, according to the firm's Web site.

Sullenberger's mailbox at the firm was full on Thursday. A group of fans sprang up on Facebook within hours of the emergency landing.

Pic of the day - especially for "Marley & Me" fans.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Obama Limo - first look.

This is the "Stagecoach" - that's what they call it. The heavy armor is reportedly at least 5 inches thick. The limousine also has run-flat tires, bulletproof glass and a completely sealed interior to ward off a chemical attack.

Replica White House for sale.

The replica of W’s desk still sits in the Oval Office beneath the Iranian and American flags. The seal of the president of the United States still adorns the floor mats across the hall from the zebra-skin rug. And the porch overlooking the 75-car parking lot is still called the Truman Balcony.

But soon enough, change is coming to Fred Milani’s replica of the White House, an outsized casualty of the national housing crisis.

For the last seven years, almost as long as President Bush has been in Washington, Mr. Milani, an Iranian-American home developer, has lived in a scaled-down version of the presidential mansion in Atlanta. A private Xanadu for Mr. Milani, a headache for neighbors and a destination for camera-wielding gawkers, the 16,500-square-foot home has become a kooky symbol of this boom-boom city’s ever-growing residential skyline.

But now, like the current occupant of the real White House, Mr. Milani is planning to leave his home.

“I still do not want to sell,” he said. “But I will.”

Last month, Mr. Milani, 57, placed his house, in the North Druid Hills neighborhood, a few miles northeast of downtown, on sale for $9.88 million.

The Anti Terrorism Calendar.

SEA KITTENS. Spare me.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The REAL American Idol rules.

Contestants must have logged at least 45,000 hours singing in front of the mirror, at family dinners and in church.

Contestants must know with metaphysical certitude that they are destined the be the next American Idol.

Contestants must arrive at the audition looking approximately 75% to 82% worse than they plan to look three months hence. Extra points for stringy hair, skin conditions and slouching posture that can be corrected during the middle rounds.

Contestants must arrive with a very close family, preferably including one grandparent who played a critical role in their upbringing.

Contestants are encouraged to arrive in the midst of heartbreaking family tragedy. If auditioning in the "Painfully Bad" category, contestants will register shock and disbelief at their failure to earn a ticket to Hollywood. When leaving the studio, they will be certain to curse the judges for their blindness to true talent.

Contestants should at all times exhibit deep religious beliefs but be careful not to name the religion that they feel deeply about.

Contestants with a modeling past may use their appearance to earn a ticket to Hollywood via flirting with Judge Cowell. However, such contestants will exit the season at 18th place and never be heard from again. Likewise, brawny male contestants singing romantically to Judge Abdul will be granted a ticket to Hollywood, where they will be quickly eliminated from the competition.

The "No Goths" regulations remain in effect. If planning to win the competition, do not come intending to audition but merely to support a sibling or friend.

In pre-interviews, it is important to emphasize that you are grounded, family-oriented and a down-to-earth wholesome young American.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

The Big Ass Catfish!

The Beaver Tampon Ad that drew complaints

A list released by the Advertising Standards Bureau found a Kotex tampon ad showing a woman going about daily activities with a beaver in tow was the most complained about ad in 2008.