Thursday, November 30, 2006

Weathermen are full of it.

I know I'm part of the problem. I too, broadcast weather forecasts. I'm not professionally trained. I don't have an AMA seal or a NOAA seal - or even like seals (as in Sea World.) I mostly rely on the Weather Channel & Weather Service forecasts. Often, they're different. On those days, I split the difference and "my" forecast becomes a meld of the two. Sometimes, I'll check Accuweather - and my forecast will be a consensus of three forecasts.

The forecast for my area today is snow & ice. One forecast says 6-12 inches. One says, 8-12 & one says 10-20 inches!!! Everyone agrees we'll have ice before the snow event. Take my word for it - even with those dire predictions of snow, there is a 50% chance - we'll get considerably less. There have been days I cried "Snow" - and it didn't manage even a flurry. There have been days I predicted sunshine - and it snowed 9 inches. On those days I feel as if I've misled people. I get discouraged, and wonder, "Maybe I should have looked at just two more forecasts and broadcast the sum of five forecasts."

Don't let your weatherman or the latest Doppler technology fool you. You're as likely as anyone to know what the weather is going to do - if you stick your head out a window.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Make your kids believers in Santa

Wanna convince your kids there REALLY IS A SANTA CLAUS?? I know how. I've done it. I had my son believing until he was 13 - I so completely convinced him. Here's how step by step.
What you need: 1, Two walkie talkies. Don't use a phone - or cheapo $10 toy walkie talkies. 2, A friend with a car that has a car stereo. 3, A sound effect of wind that will play on your friends car stereo. That's it.

In the days leading up to Christmas announce that you have special information about Santa flying over your house. You also have info of Santas' special frequency in which to raise Santa with your Walkie talkies. At a pre determined time, have your friend park down the street. Have them BLAST the wind sound effect on their car stereo at a high volume. Make the sound effect long, as you have no idea how long the conversation might last. Key the mic and ask for Santa. What comes out the little speaker will blow your mind. The wind effect alone will sell this bit, as it'll be hard to hear Santa over the noise - making it impossible to recognize who Santa might be. Put your kids on with Santa and tell them their time is limited. Instruct Santa to drive away after about 3 minutes. His signal will become more faint as he drives - as if he's really flying over. Eventually you won't be able to hear Santa at all - but your kids will believe with complete certainty that they have in fact actually spoken with the jolly old elf.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Dora looks like, well, ya know.

What do you suppose Dora will explore with this? Christ! Didn't the designers step look back and see what they'd created?

Meet the Dora Aquapet from Wild Planet Toys
Features include:
~~ Interactive pet - fun for all!
~~ Interacts with you and other Aquapets!
How fun.

"Honey stop playing with your aquapet. Honey? Honey? HONEY!!!!!"

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Where's the voter fraud?

Before the mid term elections - the Liberal left was screaming the Republicans were going to steal the elections by manipulating electronic voting. The consensus was, and I say consensus because, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC, CBS and even HBO reported how easy it was to alter results on Diebold voting machines. The stories were nightly right up to and including election day. The case was being made ahead of time that if the elections went the Republicans way, Diebold machines and underhanded Republicans were to blame. You no doubt, saw the stories. The Dems were accusing the Republicans of cheating before the fact. That's not entirely true, the Dems have been crying foul for years - accusing anyone who'd listen that they were being slighted.

Behold. The Democrats sweep. Two stories are blatantly missing from national media. #1, the Republicans crying voter fraud. #2, The Democrats saying anything at all. SHHHHH. The election went our way, maybe we oughta shut up. If there was any fraud in 2000 or 2004 - how would Republican vote hackers allow what happened - to happen? That's my point. If Republicans were prone to stealing elections, November 7th would have been a good time to keep with tradition.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

My three favorite Bond characters

Bond is back in the new Casino Royale. Remember the original Casino Royale? Over 30 years ago. Look it up. This brings me to my three favorite Bond characters. Everyone argues about "The best Bond." They're all good. It's the supporting cast that make the movies good for me. Thousands have appeared in Bond movies. After careful consideration, I have selected my top three Non Bond characters ever. I don't know why these three stuck with me all these years, but I always root for these three. Unfortunately, Bond killed them all.

Charles Gray, the Best Blofeld. There have been many Blofelds. Telly Savalas & Donald Pleasance come to mind. This Blofeld makes you want to shoot him in the forehead with a rock climbing rope shooting gun.

Peter Franks about to eat it in Diamonds are Forever. He really gives Bond a run for his money, but in the end - as always - dies. Bond stole this mans identity before anyone knew what identity theft was. AND killed him. I think Franks got a raw deal.

The ugliest Russian woman ever. In all Bond Movies. Not all Russian women look like this. Don't you think that maybe this woman was a way to "stick it to" the Russians during the cold war? Her parody is in the Austin Powers movies. Still ugly.

Mexican Thanksgiving

Turkey. Dressing. Green bean casserole. Please. For the love of God and all things Holy - can't we begin to mix it up? I want Mexican. What's wrong with Thanksgiving tacos? How about Burritos? I love nachos. Isn't this holiday all about family? Of course it is. If the fam is in place, no meal should be off limits. Do it right though. Warm the tortillas. Shred your own cheese. make fresh guacamole. Make homemade salsa. Don't forget the re-fried beans & sour cream.

Get with this Mexican program people. You'll define the holiday in a most unique way - as unique as the people that make up your family. Why are we in lock step with this turkey "tradition?" Hell, the Pilgrims didn't even have turkey - they ate eel. Does Butterball have an eel?

When everyone shows up for your Mexican Fiesta Thanksgiving - they may at first be taken aback - but I guarantee they'll talk about the moment all year long - until next Thanksgiving - when you get around to serving eel.

Monday, November 13, 2006

The end of Newspapers?

Not my prediction. Experts in the newspaper business say that newspapers - as we know them - may be done in 5 years! Circulation is down everywhere. Americans are now getting the news they read - online. Papers are expected to offer their stories online for free. The days of the printed paper on the doorstep appear to be numbered. Who saw this coming? Newspapers, even in secondary markets have been traditional moneymakers. Tens of millions in ad revenue easily - because rarely does a market have more than one paper. If an advertiser wanted to see their name in print - they had to pay whatever the paper asked. Now, just a few years after the advent of the Internet - papers are reporting dwindling profits. The cash cow days appear to be over. Newspapers are for sale. In my city - our 175 year old newspaper is for sale. Why not? It'll never be worth more than it is today. Next week it'll be worth less.

In my 30 years in the radio business, my stations have always had to compete with other broadcast companies for ad revenue. Newspapers mostly had the print media ad revenue all to themselves. Now, that the media itself is dying - it's time for newspapers to re-invent themselves.

A hard copy - paper paper - is important. It's an archive of time. Papers are a hands on record.
This tradition must continue - but at a cost. Newspapers must embrace the Internet & sell ad space online. Newspapers must do the same things the record companies are facing. ADDED VALUE. More inserts. Better artwork. Freebies. Don't laden me with 5 pounds of newsprint containing your advertisements. Laden me with 5 pounds of value. Cut back on your advertising - like radio had to do to compete. Make your paper better. This is the only way for the newspaper business to survive. The clock is ticking. Your own experts give you 5 years.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

8000 Calorie Burger

What can I say? Get me to Tempe Arizona and the HEART ATTACK GRILL (yes, that's the name) - for the QUADRUPLE BYPASS BURGER (yes, that's the name.)

8000 calories of goodness, served by a waitress dressed like a nurse. Upon eating it, you're rolled to your car in a wheelchair.

The restaurants slogan? "The taste worth dying for."
(Yes, that's the slogan.)

44 west to 40 west to 17 south. Go there now.

Asleep on the job.

This is the scene at NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center. Behold the Payload Operations Center, which manages the science operations of the international space station. I've had it with the private sector. Get me a Government gig!

Did I become a Democrat or what?

I am an overly optimistic person. I awaken each day believing it will be a nice day. Every day can't of course, be a nice day - some days are crappy days. Politically, yesterday was a crappy day. But, me with my eager outlook, woke up today in a good mood. I felt rested, laughed at it all this morning - and suddenly realized I may have a problem. Was my mood possibly associated with my subconsciously switching parties last night? Have I become a Democrat? I do like winners after all. Maybe, watching the returns last night, the moment it looked like the Dems were gonna take the House, I mentally switched parties! Maybe I so badly wanted to be on the winning team, I switched sides! My God - what will my family think? My deceased Grandmother raised me to be a staunch Republican since birth. The political leanings of my family are actually a little right of the John Birch Society - we just don't carry guns. What will my Mother think? I will no longer be able to talk to my father. My brothers will resent me. My oldest son will stop coming over. I thought I hated Nancy Pelosi. Maybe I was wrong all along and had been brainwashed - last night coming to my senses!!! Will I vote for Hillary or Obama in two years? Will I finally see something redeeming in Ted Kennedy? And Al Gore & John Kerry - Oh Gore & Kerry - will I now see their unique point of view?

This feeling though quickly passed. I realized it was simply a sunny beautiful day in November that was causing me to be in a good mood. Then, upon reflecting on the Democratic wins last night, I developed acid reflux.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Election Day. John Kerry tells more jokes.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, but 15 if the blondes are some of our nation's farmers.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Interrupting Politician who accidentally insults constituents!
Interrupting Politician who accidentally insults const—

Last night I had this dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone! I'm thinking it was probably stolen by a WWII veteran and sold for drugs.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “Get out. God is dead and religion is the opiate of the masses.”

Q: How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?
A: By the footprints in the ashes of 911 victims. I mean, 911 victims' pizza. Wait a second. Just pizza.

Q: What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A: A teacher who gives blood tests, but remains employed due to the strength of corrupt unions.

Take my wife, please. Seriously, women are useless.

Three men are stranded on an island when they find an old lamp. They rub it. Suddenly, a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish. The first man wishes to be off the island and, poof, he's gone. The second man wishes to be off the island, and poof, he's gone. The third man says, “Gee, I'm really lonely. I wish the Jews wouldn't start all the wars in the world.”

A waiter brings a restaurant patron a bowl of soup. The patron notices a fly and says, “Hey, there's a fly in my soup.” The waiter replies, “Yes. Unfortunately our chef is Latino.”

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To head into the army recruiting office so he could fight in Iraq. Oh, wait. I told that wrong. I forgot to say the chicken was retarded.

Monday, November 06, 2006

$2 bills are back!

The $2 bill is back and no-one knows why. Banks are ordering more, and mints are printing more. The lowly $2 bill. Experts are really in a quandary why Americans are finally asking for, and using $2 bills. They've been around forever - used mostly in greeting cards from Grandma's. I gave them away to trick or treaters two years ago. The kids went nuts. Why now? The dollar coin flopped. More than once. Strippers. Gotta be strippers. Slipping dollar bills into garter belts no longer cuts it. Inflation demands that those tips for lap dances increase to $2. Nothing makes this stripper transaction easier than the $2 bill. Vending machines have to be next. Many machines already cost more than one dollar - so make the "bill sucker" accept "2's" - and voila - soda and change. On the retail level, workers are apparently "becoming comfortable with "2's." This of course, screws up cash registers with slots for everything but "2's." It looks like our society is opening up to "2's", and this a good thing - because we all know you can't buy jack with a one.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Google in 1999

This IS Google in 1999. All of it. This is the hardware that now OWNS the Internet just 7 years later.

2-Pentium II 300mhz, 512mb, five 9gb drives
2-Pentium II 300mhz, 512mb, four 9gb drives
4-PPC 604 333mhz, 512mb, eight 9gb drives
2-UltraSparc II 200mhz, 256mb, three 9gb drives, six 4gb drives
Disk expansion, eight 9gb drives
Disk expansion, ten 9gb drives

That's a total of:
1792 megabytes of memory
366 gigabytes of disk storage
2933 megahertz in 10 CPUs

Here is Google today.
Just an upgrade or two. Why didn't I think of this?

Pizza Cones. Pizza in a cone.

Remember this exchange from the movie "The Jerk?"

Marie: You live here? Oh, it’s nice. Did you decorate it?
Navin: Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup ‘o Pizza place before they tore it down.
Marie: Good pizza. (the two of them are eating pizza in a cup)
Navin: Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup ‘o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this.

We laughed because it was so stupid.


Two companies are set to battle it out for your Pizza-cone business. KONO PIZZA & CRISPY CONES. KONO is already operational in New Zealand, Kuwait, Spain & Greece. CRISPY just opened in L.A..

I don't know what to think. I haven't eaten one - but I'm not ready to fork over the franchise fee just yet. Someday - maybe soon - this may be the way we eat pizza. It'll surely make eating pizza in the car possible. Maybe that's the inspiration. Grab extra napkins.

Where do you put the extra cheese?

I suggest they smother it in cheese, lettuce, tomato & special sauce. Then wrap it in a soft tortilla with a layer of re-fried beans. Then wrap that in a corn tortilla with a layer of Monterey Jack cheese. Then take a deep fried Gordita shell, smother it in Guacamole and wrap that around the outside. Then bake it in a corn husk filled with salsa. Then wrap it in a Parisian crepe, filled with egg, sausage & portabello mushrooms. Then roll it up in a blueberry pancake, dip it in batter and deep fry it until it's golden brown.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Elections in 4 days and I'm gonna blow!

I have so much on my mind - today - just bullet points.

On Election night, the networks plan to send two representatives each to a "quarantine room." This will be where all the exit polling data will be organized and scrutinized. Blackberry's & cell phones will not be allowed. The data will be released to the TV networks at the same time - so there will be no "Kerry is President" eggs on faces. The networks will be beside themselves waiting to declare that the Democrats have taken control of the House & the Senate. It won't happen - this post is timestamped.

The Simpsons "Tree House of Horror" Halloween episode is Sunday on FOX. Even the Simpsons get political - when they compare a bungled alien attack of Springfield to the U.S.'s invasion of Iraq. Doh!

Speculation today is that gas prices will jump right after the election. A former White House staffer (Clinton admin.) - points to the $32 million donated to Republicans and the $7 million donated to Democrats by the Oil Companies. The Oil Companies will want to recoup that cash after the election. Shit, this is the profit any weekday between 8am & Noon. Doh! - again.

And lastly - A Seattle school bus driver had stopped her bus for a Presidential motorcade to pass. The president waved at the students as he passed. The students waved back. The bus driver gave President Bush "the finger." A Congressman riding with the President contacted the bus company later - and the driver was fired. The only ADULT on the bus set a great example for the young minds on board. The company cites "unprofessional conduct." I'd say.

Down side is - my tax dollars will now go to this twerp - who'll likely retreat to the couch for a few months.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Proof of Media Bias

A new study found that network news coverage has favored Democratic candidates in the midterm election, and the page scandal involving former congressman Mark Foley has been the main story line, drawing almost as much coverage as Iraq and terrorism combined.

The analysis by the Center for Media and Public Affairs of midterm election stories aired on the ABC, CBS and NBC evening newscasts Sept. 5-Oct. 22. It found that 2006's coverage has been almost five times as heavy as in the 2002 midterm elections: 167 stories, compared with 35 four years ago.
The study found that three out of four evaluations of Democratic candidates' chances of winning were positive, compared with one out of eight for Republicans. Coverage has been dominated by two major themes: the effects of the Foley scandal, and the impact the Bush presidency is having on the party's congressional candidates. The Foley scandal produced 59 stories alone, compared with 33 on Iraq and 31 on terrorism/national security issues.

This is the theme of this mid-term election. If you "say it enough" - somebody may believe it. If ever there was legitimate proof of bias in media, this is it.

I for one, don't believe it. Judging from ratings for FOX news vs. CNN & MSNBC, most of America doesn't either.