Report: Someone Totally Doing It Somewhere Right Now

CHICAGO—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Statistical Association, somewhere on the planet someone is totally doing it at this very moment.

"Of the 6.7 billion inhabitants of Earth, approximately 3.5 billion have reached sexual maturity," said Dr. Jerome Carver, a mathematics professor at the University of Chicago and lead author of the study. "From a statistical perspective, it simply stands to reason that at least two of these inhabitants are totally going at it right now. Like, as we speak."

"But it's probably way more than that," Carver added. "Like at least a hundred."

The multidiscipline study, which tapped leading experts in several fields, including reproduction and population sciences, found overwhelming evidence that there is never even a second when someone is not doing it.

An analysis of the data, based on a new statistical model referred to as "Rauchembauer's Overlap," indicates that, given the sheer number of people in the world, by the time the first set of people is done doing it, someone else has already begun getting it on.

In addition, the findings suggest that there is a "good, to very good" chance that someone is doing it close by.

"The nearer you get to major metropolitan areas, the more likely you are to be in proximity to those making it," said California Institute of Technology probability theorist Howard Bergsson, who contributed to the report. "For example, we're in Chicago, a city of three million people. Someone is probably doing it right down the street, or maybe even somewhere in this building."

"And even if they're not, you have to keep in mind that it's nighttime in England right now," Bergsson added. "So someone is, in all likelihood, doing it over there."

While exciting in its own right, the new revelation has also lent credibility to several long-held theories, including the idea that those doing it are either partially or totally naked, and that the doing it itself may in large part involve a process known as "humping."

Citing the global population boom, Carver went on to demonstrate a strong correlation between rising birth rates and the new doing-it probability model.

"Roughly 350,000 babies are born every day," said Carver, who is currently working on a new report entitled "Making It: A Comprehensive Survey Of Sexy Stuff Happening All Over The Place." "And how does that happen? I'm telling you, people are just getting it on like crazy—just all the time."

"Think about it," Carver continued.

Carver said the most important aspect of the study is that it accounts for variables often overlooked in earlier inquiries, an error which may have resulted in a much lower estimation of the worldwide frequency of going at it.

"Other studies addressing this phenomenon made the faulty assumption that people only do it in bed," Carver said. "But people can do it anywhere. Sometimes even in the shower. Or the basement."

According to observers, the study's secondary findings are in some ways even more surprising: Given the fact that not everyone goes all the way all the time, the report predicts that there are at least four times as many people currently frenching or getting to second base than there are doing it.

"The number of people being felt up right now is astronomical," Carver said.

Though the evidence presented by the study appears to be irrefutable, it has already found its share of detractors within the scientific community.

"No way," said Dr. Lane Keilor, a professor of theoretical mathematics at the University of Rochester in New York. "Gross."

The Onion 1/8/08