The REAL American Idol rules.

Contestants must have logged at least 45,000 hours singing in front of the mirror, at family dinners and in church.

Contestants must know with metaphysical certitude that they are destined the be the next American Idol.

Contestants must arrive at the audition looking approximately 75% to 82% worse than they plan to look three months hence. Extra points for stringy hair, skin conditions and slouching posture that can be corrected during the middle rounds.

Contestants must arrive with a very close family, preferably including one grandparent who played a critical role in their upbringing.

Contestants are encouraged to arrive in the midst of heartbreaking family tragedy. If auditioning in the "Painfully Bad" category, contestants will register shock and disbelief at their failure to earn a ticket to Hollywood. When leaving the studio, they will be certain to curse the judges for their blindness to true talent.

Contestants should at all times exhibit deep religious beliefs but be careful not to name the religion that they feel deeply about.

Contestants with a modeling past may use their appearance to earn a ticket to Hollywood via flirting with Judge Cowell. However, such contestants will exit the season at 18th place and never be heard from again. Likewise, brawny male contestants singing romantically to Judge Abdul will be granted a ticket to Hollywood, where they will be quickly eliminated from the competition.

The "No Goths" regulations remain in effect. If planning to win the competition, do not come intending to audition but merely to support a sibling or friend.

In pre-interviews, it is important to emphasize that you are grounded, family-oriented and a down-to-earth wholesome young American.