* Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
* It's a small world so you have to use your elbows alot.
* If marriages were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
* Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day.
* Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
* Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
* Money does grow on trees. It's just that the banks own all the branches.
* Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
* If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
* Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
* If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
* You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
* Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
* Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
* In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
* The quickest way to have a family reunion is to win the lottery.
* It is said that man's ability to reason is what separates him from mere animals. Then again,
the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship wrestling."
* Ladies, if you're looking for the perfect date, think Mr. Potato Head. He's tan, he's cute and if
he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.
* If you're looking for the perfect dog, get a lab/pit bull mix. Sure, he might bite off your leg,
but he'll bring it back to you.
* Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is never having a chance to say anything.
* Babies are nature's way of showing people what the world looks like at two o'clock in the
* The minute you find a way to make something idiot-proof, someone will go and make a
* A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
* Adults are just kids who owe money.
* The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
* There are three major parties in America today...Republican, Democratic and Tupperware.
* Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't
gotten used to his bifocals.
* If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
* You know you're in trouble when you tell your doctor your symptoms and he starts backing
* Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
* If all the smokers were laid down end to end around the world...three quarters of them
* Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turnout okay.
* Give a man twenty dollars and he eats for a day. Teach a man how to make a twenty dollar
bill and he eats for three to five years, with time off for good behavior.
* A straight line is the shortest distance between a baby and something breakable.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* Carpe diem...seize the day. Carp in denim...there's a fish in my pants.
* The easiest way to find something is to buy a replacement.
* There are two secrets of success. Number one, don't share all your secrets.
* It's amazing what you can do when your wife puts your mind to it.