I have a Yard-O-Beef.

Christmas was over 3 weeks ago, and I'm barely three inches in - on my Yard-O-Beef. This is a indication of one of two things. Either, I have become the most completely hard to buy for person ever - OR, my family doesn't give a rats ass about my Christmas present. Imagine my glee, as I tore the paper off the cylindrical gift. I thought for a moment I was going to unwrap a sex toy.

Three pounds of summer sausage goodness, compliments of Hillshire Farms and their exclusive Yard-O-Beef distributor, Sams Club. Research has proven to Hillshire Farms that if you're gonna attempt to sell the worlds largest chunk of processed meat - Sams Club is the place to do it. Sams customers are already accustomed to Wheel-O-Cheese & Barrel-O-Nuts.

I'll eat this thing at a rate of about an inch a week. I expect to take a full 36 weeks. That's 8 months. To make it to next Christmas they need a "Five Feet-O-Beef." That's what I want next year.