Friday, April 21, 2006

Big Love - Big Problems


"Big Love" is the HBO series starring Bill Paxton as a husband with three wives. He's a Polygamist, and apparently pulling it off. I've seen the show just a few times, but the concept - I've often contemplated. What if? How on Earth do the women get along? How does a man keep all these wives satisfied?

Here's how this man sees multiple marriage.

*You'd never be able to see ANYTHING on TV you want. Your remote would be divided among your wives.
*You'd never be able to make a decision. You'd be too concerned with how the other wives would react, to firmly decide on anything.
*Your car would be wrecked almost all the time. Three wives would increase your chance of damage by 300%.
*Remembering anniversaries? Birthdays? Forget it. It's too difficult for a man to remember just one, let alone three or more.
*Getting in the bathroom? Hope you can "hold it".
*What about those times you're "sent to the couch?" There's a wife THERE already.
*You're always out of shampoo.
*Odds you'll be sent to the store for tampons every now & then - goes up 300%.
*You buy chocolate cookies, thinking you might get to eat one or two. Forget it.
*The hair dryer is heated up to the point it blows electrical circuits - almost every day.
*No hot water - ever.
*You're up to your eyeballs in Good Housekeeping, Better Homes & Gardens & Star magazines.
*Cell phone bills that actually collapse your kitchen table just like on TV.
*Not a moment of silence, ever. It'd be like tag team talking. One wife would wind down, tag the next wife, and she'd pick up the conversation mid sentence.
*Kids. I love kids, but 10? 15? 30? If I had 10 wives, I'd have 30 kids easy.
*Headaches. "Not tonight, I have a headache". After hearing this repeatedly, by each wife, one by one, one right after the other, you might develop "esteem" issues.

*Having to say, "You look great in those pants, over and over.
*Impossible to drive. Directions coming from every seat in the car.
*Candles out the Wazoo.

Bill Paxton is the better man.