Stop Punting

NFL coaches punt in opposition territory, or on short yardage, in order to avoid blame -- if a team goes for it and fails the coach is blamed, whereas if a coach does the safe thing and kicks and then loses, the players are blamed. But skip the psycho-dynamics and ask: Should a football team ever punt?

Think about all those punts on fourth-and-1, fourth-and-2, fourth-and-3. The average NFL offensive play gains about five yards. Yet game in, game out, coaches boom the punt away on short yardage, handing the most precious article in football -- possession of the ball -- to the other side. Nearly three-quarters of fourth-and-1 attempts succeed, while around one-third of possessions result in scores. Think about those fractions. Go for it four times on fourth-and-1 -- odds are you will keep the ball three times, and three kept possessions each with a one-third chance of a score results in your team scoring once more than it otherwise would have. Punt the ball on all four fourth-and-1s, and you've given the opponents three additional possessions. (It would have gotten one possession anyway when you missed one of your fourth-and-1s.) Those three extra possessions, divided by the one-third chance to score, give the opponent an extra score.

Someday there will be a coach who doesn't punt.

How to win at Rock Paper Scissors

With the 2006 World Rock Paper Scissors Championships coming up in November in Toronto and $10,000.00 on the line (not to mention bragging rights of being able to call yourself "World Champion of RPS"), trying to get some sort of edge on your competition is becoming a focal point for a lot of players.

Little bit of background. Contrary to what you might think RPS is not simply a game of luck or chance. While it is true that from a mathematical perspective the 'optimum' strategy is to play randomly, it still is not a winning strategy for two reasons. First, 'optimum' in this case means you should win, lose and draw an equal number of times (hardly a winning strategy over the long term). Second, Humans, try as they might, are terrible at trying to be random, in fact often humans in trying to approximate randomness become quite predictable. So knowing that there is always something motivating your opponent's actions, there are a couple of tricks and techniques that you can use to tip the balance in your favor.

The secret to winning RPS according to the pros.

Basically, there are two ways to win at RPS. First is to take one throw away from your opponent options. ie - If you can get your opponent to not play rock, then you can safely go with scissors as it will win against paper and stalemate against itself. Seems impossible right? Not if you know the subtle ways you can manipulate someone. The art is to not let them know you are eliminating one of their options. The second way is to force you opponent into making a predictable move. Obviously, the key is that it has to be done without them realizing that you are manipulating them.

Most of the following techniques use variations on these basic principles. How well it works for you depends upon how well you can subtly manipulate your opponent without them figuring out what you are doing. So, now that the background is out of the way, let's get into these techniques:

1 - Rock is for Rookies

In RPS circles a common mantra is "Rock is for Rookies" because males have a tendency to lead with Rock on their opening throw. It has a lot to do with idea that Rock is perceived as "strong" and forceful", so guys tend to fall back on it. Use this knowledge to take an easy first win by playing Paper. This tactic is best done in pedestrian matches against someone who doesn't play that much and generally won't work in tournament play.

2 - Scissors on First

The second step in the 'Rock is for Rookies' line of thinking is to play scissors as your opening move against a more experienced player. Since you know they won't come out with rock (since it is too obvious), scissors is your obvious safe move to win against paper or stalemate to itself.

3 - The Double Run

When playing with someone who is not experienced at the RPS, look out for double runs or in other words, the same throw twice. When this happens you can safely eliminate that throw and guarantee yourself at worst a stalemate in the next game. So, when you see a two-Scissor run, you know their next move will be Rock or Paper, so Paper is your best move. Why does this work? People hate being predictable and the perceived hallmark of predictability is to come out with the same throw three times in row.

4 - Telegraph Your Throw

Tell your opponent what you are going to throw and then actually throw what you said. Why? As long as you are not playing someone who actually thinks you are bold enough to telegraph your throw and then actually deliver it, you can eliminate the throw that beats the throw you are telegraphing. So, if you announce rock, your opponent won't play paper which means coming out with that scissors will give you at worst a stalemate and at best the win.

5 - Step Ahead Thinking

Don't know what to do for your next throw? Try playing the throw that would have lost to your opponents last throw? Sounds weird but it works more often than not, why? Inexperienced (or flustered) players will often subconsciously deliver the throw that beat their last one. Therefore, if your opponent played paper, they will very often play Scissors, so you go Rock. This is a good tactic in a stalemate situation or when your opponent lost their last game. It is not as successful after a player has won the last game as they are generally in a more confident state of mind which causes them to be more active in choosing their next throw.

6 - Suggest A Throw

When playing against someone who asks you to remind them about the rules, take the opportunity to subtly "suggest a throw" as you explain to them by physically showing them the throw you want them to play. ie "Paper beats Rock, Rock beats scissors (show scissors), Scissors (show scissors again) beats paper." Believe it or not, when people are not paying attention their subconscious mind will often accept your "suggestion". A very similar technique is used by magicians to get someone to take a specific card from the deck.

7 - When All Else Fails Go With Paper

Haven't a clue what to throw next? Then go with Paper. Why? Statistically, in competition play, it has been observed that scissors is thrown the least often. Specifically, it gets delivered 29.6% of the time, so it slightly under-indexes against the expected average of 33.33% by 3.73%. Obviously, knowing this only gives you a slight advantage, but in a situation where you just don't know what to do, even a slight edge is better than none at all.

8 - The Rounder's Ploy

This technique falls into more of a 'cheating' category, but if you have no honor and can live with yourself the next day, you can use it to get an edge. The way it works is when you suggest a game with someone, make no mention of the number of rounds you are going to play. Play the first match and if you win, take it is as a win. If you lose, without missing a beat start playing the 'next' round on the assumption that it was a best 2 out of 3. No doubt you will hear protests from your opponent but stay firm and remind them that 'no one plays best of one for a kind of decision that you two are making'. No this devious technique won't guarantee you the win, but it will give you a chance to battle back to even and start again.

Jesus in a dogs butt.

Angus MacDougall is a three-year-old terrier mix that has recently been blessed with the revered and holy image of Jesus Christ on his hindquarters. Is this manifestation of The Prince of Peace a coincidence or a bona fide miracle? One thing is for certain, this apparition of the Son of God is sure to inspire controversy. Not much - if any - true scientific or theological inquiry has been made into the nature of this sign to date, but "seeing is believing" as little Angus' terrier-tush is obviously marked by the likeness of Christ.

Democratic Comedy

OK. Comedy time. Democrats in the last 72 hours are claiming the reason gas prices are down is "manipulation" by the White House to influence the mid term elections. Democrats are suspicious of the timing. Life is good, and according to Democrats - we'll attribute this to Republicans.

Speaking as a Republican, make no mistake - I'm not so incredibly stupid to believe the Bush administration has the ability to effect gas prices. Why would Bush have sent prices skyrocketing in the first place? Now there's speculation that big oil wants to keep Republicans in office - and that's why they've "voluntarily" lowered prices. The depth of this idiocy is beneath me attempting to explain. (By the way - Gas here is up 25 cents again. Bush called someone.)

Today there is a new development that really has me riled up. ESPN is being accused of dubbing in crowd sounds during sportscasts. "Boos" - when Democrats are introduced - and "Cheers" - when Republicans are introduced. Apparently someone heard a "click" Monday night as George H. W. Bush was introduced. It's deduced that the crowd booed and the broadcast contained cheers. Never mind that those in attendance reported no boos - just cheering - as the former President tossed the coin.

Dumb. The seventh level of dumb. John Stewart had the President of Pakistan on the Daily Show last night. Bill Clinton shouted down Chris Wallace on Fox. Hillary is attacking Condoleeza. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Bulldoze Pigeon Forge

Just back from the Smoky Mountains. Did the Gatlinburg, Pigeon Forge run. I've been before - this time with my eyes wide open.

Back in the 30's the government ran the mountain folk out of the mountains and established a national park. These "hillbillies' opened tee shirt stores at the base of the mountain. Not being able to read, hillbillies opened tee shirt stores across the street from one another. Some tee shirt stores are literally side by side. They appear to all get their tee shirts from the same distributor, because the selection is the same no matter which hillbilly tee shirt store you shop. There are 1000 places to buy tee shirts within 10 miles of the entrance to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Some of the hillbillies sold their businesses to Middle Easterners. Being Middle-eastern in eastern Tennessee might not be easy. That appears to be why Habib - changed his name to something more Americanized. I actually met a man who appeared to be Pakistani, and sounded as if he immigrated here 30 minutes ago. His name tag read, FRED. Right.

You can get "The best barbecue in the Smokies" at every corner. Every sign, TV commercial, billboard, radio commercial, newspaper & magazine ad proclaims: "The best barbecue in the Smokies." Driving "The Parkway" those words jump out every 10 seconds. Yes, there are barbecue joints sandwiched in between the tee shirt stands. I ate barbecue in the Smokies for 4 days straight. On the drive home, I chose fish. I may not eat barbecue for months.

All you can eat. This appeals to the "vacation glutton" in each of us. Apparently there are many of you, but trust me, if you want a decent meal - avoid these places altogether. Or if you must "eat all you can", get there the moment the line opens. Arrive 5 hours after opening, and you're eating food that's laid there 5 hours.

Pancakes and "flapjacks". I'm not sure why they believe we want pancakes and flapjacks so badly, but these joints are every 1000 feet.

Go carts & Nascar. They even have Nascar go carts. This is especially fun after a day of eating flapjacks and barbecue.

How about an "Antique photograph?" Ya know, the orange looking photo of you wearing the vest with no back. You wear the pants that clip onto the front of your regular pants and select a stupid hat. These establishments are spaced at 500 foot intervals. Stupid & overpriced.

Outlet malls. You're smart enough to know how this works aren't you? You better be a small or a medium - or they won't have your size. The larges, extra larges and 2x sold out when this merchandise was in retail stores 2 years ago. Wait. Make that 5 years ago - in some cases 10 - because these places just keep adding merchandise - without ever weeding out the old - making the stores cramped, sloppy and unpleasant to shop at best.

Bulldoze this place and start over. Wipe it clean right up to the entrance to the park. The stupidity ends at the big "Entering Smoky Mountain National Park" sign. Words can't describe the beauty of this place. It's special - and what's at the base of the mountain has taken it's toll on me. I'll go back - to a hard to reach cabin far away from the Parkway. Just blindfold me as I make my journey there.

Steve Jobs pulls IPOD from his ear!

OK, this IPOD thing is getting dumb. Look at what Steve Jobs has in his hand. It's the new teenie weenie IPOD. Christ. Are you someone who leaves sunglasses in restaurants? Do you lose pens? How about gloves? Do you leave things in your pockets and run them through the washer? Have you ever lost your keys or remote control? This goofy micro IPOD thingy doesn't stand a chance. Sure, Apple will sell gazillions. It's the consumer that will lose when we misplace these expensive midget IPOD's. Drop this sucker on the floor and the dog will eat it. Lean over the toilet at just the wrong moment and you'll flush it. This sucker is gonna be baked into cakes and swallowed by toddlers.

Soon, I'll be able to store 5000 songs and 100 hours of video in a little white "pill." At least that'll be easier to swallow.

Keith Olbermann shut up

Todays SHUT UP goes to MSNBC's Keith Olbermann. Geez, I'm tired of being spoken down to. Your command of the language and style with a pen is dramatic. You speak to me as if from Mt. Olympus - your words more important than mine. Your thoughts more important than mine. You are the guy I hated in High School. The guy I avoided at parties. You are the man ladies avoid. Your commentaries on MSNBC are winded examples of one simple point that you manage to talk about for 8 minutes. Your diatribes go on and on and on and you haven't yet learned a simple lesson. No one really cares what you think. Your ratings are that of a mid market 10 pm newscast - and you are broadcast nationally. You know just one thing and that is that you are right. You're completely right - end of story. It's tone, demeanor, body language - stick a fork in yourself Keith Olbermann - you're done. You're bloating with self worth and if I know anything about broadcasting - and I'm afraid I do - you're outta there. You're a opinion piece in a free newspaper at best.

Al Qaeda are all Fags

Hard to believe the Department of defense tried to cover up this pic. It got out. On this 5th anniversary of September 11, 2001 - I present it here.

In my humble opinion, vaporizing thousands of people is much worse than calling someone a "fag."

ARETHA FRANKLIN'S BREASTS APPLY FOR STATEHOOD

Aretha Franklin is behind, literally, a growing movement to grant statehood to her two enormous breasts.

"The two masses have a an area in square miles the equivalent of Vermont and New Hampshire, and I see no compelling reason that they should not be granted statehood," says the movement's spokesperson, Harry Smiderson.

Republicans in Washington are terrified that the movement may gain momentum in the current anti-Bush atmosphere. "Two large, African-American breasts are likely to generate senators and representatives that vote along with the Democrats, and this is a scenario we cannot allow," says National Republican Party spokesperson, Roger Snick.

Ms. Franklin has refused to comment to media about the issue.

I wanna shoot Cindy Sheehan with a Firehose

Stand her up. Tie her to a pole. Hell, cut her loose - and let her run. I wanna hit her with a 2600 p.s.i. fire hose. Something tells me she'd get right back up and start talking again. I'd shoot her again. This time square in the face. Amazingly, she'd still be speaking. The fire hose idea isn't gonna work. I have to re-think this.

Now Cindy Sheehan says "she dreams of being able to go back in time and kill the baby George W. Bush - thereby avoiding the Iraq war." This is sick & screwed up on many levels.

First, she wants to avoid the war to save her sons life. If she had been able to go back in time and kill baby W. - she'd serve time for murder - not get pregnant - and the whole point would be moot. This is great irony.

Hasn't Cindy seen Back to the Future or Terminator? These flicks clearly spell out the dangers of time travel. What about the "time space continuum?" What if while on her baby murder mission - she runs into her own younger Mother, who recognizes what a shitty child she's going to produce and decides not to have Cindy after all? Cindy then would vanish from all pictures ever taken of her. I know it happens this way - I've seen it. What if Biff tries to make out with her? Marty won't be there to bail her out - and Arnold won't say, "Come with me if you want to live."

I have a dream too. Just had it last night. Sheehan went back in time, but she caught a "wormhole" and spends eternity in a phone booth with George Carlin.

The original Crocodile Hunter

If you're over 35 - you might recall the original Crocodile Hunter, Marlon Perkins. Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom debuted in 1963 and ran for 27 years.

Johnny Carson used to poke fun at Marlon. I remember, "While Jim wrestles the elusive wild boar, I'll prepare beans back at the camp." My generation spent countless hours watching Marlon fire nets connected to rockets over flocks of birds. We watched Marlon race up to Zebras in a '66 Range Rover and tag it's ear at 30 miles per hour. He always showed us what was under the rock.

Marlon was doing this when no-one else was. There was no Discovery channel. There was no Animal Planet. All Marlon had was a little syndicated TV show that was provided free to TV stations, if they ran it intact - with the commercials for Mutual of Omaha. Remember, "The Koala bear protects it's young. You should do the same, with Mutual of Omaha!"

Steve Irwin was a dynamic personality. Marlon wasn't. His voice was monotone. He wasn't particularly handsome - but was certainly dapper. What happened to Irwin was sad, but I believe the Steve Irwin was saw on TV was a performance FOR television. Irwin certainly KNEW when the cameras were on - and "played to them." This isn't bad. This just wasn't Marlon Perkins. He was the same on & off camera. I know because I witnessed it first hand.

Marlon Perkins was the director of the St. Louis Zoo for the run of Wild Kingdom. One day (mid 60's) my family was visiting the zoo. While watching the alligators from a distance, a Cushman 3 wheel car pulls up. Marlin Perkins is behind the wheel. He parks, gets out, scales a small fence, climbs a small wall, wades into waste deep water, and literally bare-hand grabs a 5 foot alligator from the water. He puts it under one arm and ties it's snout with string. He then places the alligator into the back of the Cushman and drives away.

This was my only personal encounter with the host of Wild Kingdom. There were no cameras, make up or lights. This was a real Crocodile hunter - and he was doing it 40 years before Steve Irwin.

Here's why New Orleans didn't flee Katrina

Tropical Storm Ernesto faked out the forecasters.

And it could easily happen again, says Max Mayfield, director of the National Hurricane Center.

"The simple truth is there are some processes in hurricanes that we don't understand yet," particularly storm intensity, he said. "I want people to understand: This is the state of the science."

Forecasters predicted Ernesto would ram South Florida with near-hurricane force and up to 15 inches of rain. But it brought little more than drizzly, gusty weather.

Based on those forecasts, businesses, government offices, airports and schools shut down or scaled back on Tuesday and Wednesday. Residents put up shutters, waited in long lines for gas and jammed grocery stores.

Faked out. This happens on the Gulf coast. Get faked out once you feel bad. Get faked out twice, you get aggravated. Get faked out time & time again - you decide to "ride it out."

This is precisely what happened in New Orleans. Through the years forecasters have predicted the Crescent City would be slammed. It never was. The storm always fizzled. The storm always veered and hit Texas to the west or Mississippi to the east. It always happened this way. Tens of thousands of South Louisiana residents will back me up.

As we commemorate Katrina's one year anniversary and question why on Earth would anyone decide to "ride out" a hurricane - I give you Ernesto.

But there was an injury. A woman slipped on a slightly wet sidewalk.

Jiffy Lube. Buyer beware.

Jiffy Lube is nationwide. Jiffy Lube serves 30,000,000 customers a year. Jiffy Lube is ripping you off.

OK. Maybe not. But there's a 70% chance they are.

KNBC-TV Los Angeles, planted mini TV cameras into 2 cars then took them in for service at several Southern California Jiffy Lubes. Apparently Jiffy Lube will change your oil - but that's about it. If Jiffy Lube says you need a new fuel filter - and proceeds to charge you for it - more times than not - they won't perform the work. If you pay for a transmission flush - Jiffy Lube won't do it. There's more and it's outrageous.

Have you ever inspected your dipstick after an oil change? Me neither. Have you ever stood on your head to see if you have a new fuel filter? Have you ever lifted the hood to see if you really got the new air filter you just paid for? If you weren't watching, would you really know if your tires were rotated? Would you even know what a new oil filter looked like? Would you know WHERE to look? Did you inspect your cooling system after you paid to have it flushed? Nope.

Jiffy Lube brass won't go further than to say "they'll address the situation."

Think about it. Even the oil drains from your car out of view. How am I to assume they even did the oil change?

This isn't getting enough press nationally and I'm not sure why. It seems that lazy employees simply didn't do the work, because "it was out of sight - out of mind" & "easy to get away with."

This is in no way to imply that every Jiffy Lube operates like those chosen randomly in Southern California, but it sure makes ya wonder. Makes ya want to install little cameras beneath your car, or better still, have your car inspected by another professional anytime you have work done at a "Quickie Lube Joint."

Is the muffler man trying to figure out how to make your car quiet WITHOUT really changing the muffler? Now I think if he could get away with it, he might try it. Probably did. On a deaf customer.

The biggest Refrigerator ever.

Often on these pages I fantasize about things I want. This is what I want. New from General Electric. The 6 foot wide REFRIGERATOR!

It's called the "Monogram" and costs over $13,000. It's a built in fridge with the freezer on the bottom. If you subscribe to the "bigger is better" theory, this fridge is for you. Never mind that you'll have to tear down a couple of walls in your kitchen to install this baby.

The advantages are obvious. You can store enough food in this appliance to reduce your grocery store trips to three times a year. Rent a truck, go to the grocery store, spend about $3000, and fill 'er up. I often end up with too many salad dressings. No big deal now. I could store 25 half used ranch dressing bottles here. I could have 15 ketchups and countless jars of pickles. I could hoard mustard. I could buy 10 gallons of milk. Hell, I could buy a dairy cow and store every drop. When cheese is on sale you can buy every bag. Who doesn't like Ice Cream? Why limit yourself to vanilla, when you can have your own "virtual Baskin Robbins" with 31 different flavors?

See what I mean? This is the answer to my prayers. I figure I can get it installed with about
$10,000 in modifications to my kitchen. Add the $13,000 purchase price and a $23,000 bank loan - and for about $500 a month for 72 months - Fridge Nirvana.

Every 30 days I'll make my House payment, Car payments, Credit Card payments and my Fridge payment. If I miss a payment, let's just see if the bank resists repossession. After all, they'll have to remove my roof to lift it out with a crane.

The Poop on Bird Poop

Have you ever been pooped on by a bird? My son insists that's "pee' - not "poop" - (something he learned in school) - but anyway, of course you've been in the "poop cross hairs."

Anywhere birds of any kind congregate, there's poop. If this is an area frequented by humankind, it's messy & unhealthy. For years, city leaders have tried to find a way to repel birds. No birds - No poop. Sounds simple. It isn't.

Here in Springfield we have pigeons that roost on the Capital Building roof. They've "greased the ledges" - sprayed predator pee - and even blasted horns. Nothings really worked. Ask anyone who parks their car at the Capital if the bird deterrents have worked. You'll get a speedy reply. "No!"

Recently a company began selling a "Bird spike strip." Simply place it on any ledge you want to keep birds from landing on. The birds float their butts onto the razor like spikes - and you'd think - fly away. Some do. Many simply impale their bird bodies onto the spikes and fall dead.
Ask the people that park their cars under ledges with "Bird spike strips" - if they work as intended. You'll get a speedy reply as they brush the dead birds from their car, "No!"

The city of Chicago is next with a brilliant plan to get rid of birds. The birds in question here are actually Canadian Geese. They're eating the grass in Grant Park. The Chicago Park District just spread 200 gallons of a "digestive irritant'. The chemical is supposed to give the Geese diarrhea within 20 minutes. The geese are then supposed to "get the idea" and leave. In a couple of weeks, ask Grant Park visitors who've been beneath Canadian Geese with explosive diarrhea if this was a good idea. I can tell you the answer now. "No!"

Snakes on a Plane II

What does Bush have to do with JonBenet?

It took less than a week for someone to accuse the Bush Administration of having something to do with the obsessive JonBenet Ramsey coverage.

The theory is, if the newschannels are talking about JonBenet, they're not talking about Iraq - and Iraq is something the administration doesn't want us talking about.

If you're still with me, Arianna Huffington is the dolt with the accusation. Arianna. Ya know, the lost Gabor sister? "Dahling, the Bush must be soooo happy!" Sure, the newschannels are on to something else. That's what newschannels do. They aren't in the news game for historic record. They're not there to promote an agenda. The newschannels exist to cover the news. I think we all agree that Iraq as a news story was cooked a long time ago. Americas work in Iraq will be long & exaustive. Newschannels don't have the fortitude to stick with it. Is this bad for anyone? Yes. It's bad for the naysayers, the quitters & the Democrats. Without television newschannels drowning us with Iraq blather all day every day, we might go on about our lives - blind to the "mess we've made." I know our mission in Iraq will be tough, long & dangerous. I don't need CNN to tell me that. I feel safer knowing the Bush administration is hunting terrorists down.

JonBenet is the news. The asswipe with the confession is the news. To accuse the Bush administration of celebrating Iraqs "fall from front page grace" - is absurd.

Most of America know what's going on in Iraq, and believe in the mission no matter how much Arianna doesn't support it. What I wanna know is, what is going to happen with the JonBenet asswipe? The newschannels are there for me.

83 words you can't say on Verizon Wireless

This is directly from the Verizon front office.

Nice to see the rules spelled out so clearly.

No content provided to Subscribers of Verizon Wireless from Content Providers, whether in the form of text, audio, images, video or otherwise, may contain any of the words listed in Appendix A. This includes any variations in spelling of the words (e.g., fuck, phuck, fucks, fucker, fucked, fucking, etc.), any variations in pronunciation of the words (e.g., nigger, nigga, niggahs, etc.) or any combinations or creations containing any of the words (e.g., ass, assboy, asslicker, uptheass, etc.).

Nonetheless, it is not possible to compile a definitive list of unacceptable words. Language is fluid, with new words and phrases regularly entering the public vocabulary, and established meanings may change over time. For this reason, the list of prohibited words in Appendix A may change from time to time and is not meant to be all-inclusive.

anal
ass
bastard
beatoff
bitch
BJ
cameljockey
chink
circlejerk
clit
cock
coolie
coon
cornhole
cum
cunt
dago
deepthroating
dickhead
dickwad
dildo
dyke
eatme
fag
faggot
fellatio
fisting
fleshflute
fleshpopsicle
fornicate
fuck
fudgepacking
gangbang
genital
getlaid
gobtheknob
goldenshower
gook
hairpie
hardon
homo
honkey
jerkoff
jewboy
jizz
5
kike
lesbo
limey
manloaf
masturbate
muffdiver
nigger
nutsack
paki
panface
poontang
pubic
pussy
queef
queer
raghead
rimjob
rubyredbag
scrotum
shit
sitonmyface
sixtynine
slag
slant
sodomize
spankthemonkey
spearchucker
spic
spooge
teabagging
testicles
twat
vagina
wetback
whackoff
whipitout
whiteswallow
wop

Good thing I provide no content to Verizon. I would be sooooo busted.

One man's obscenity is another woman's tree farm.

The DMV in Columbus Ohio think that a 74-year-old woman is so into internet slang, that she wanted to get a licence plate reading "NWTF. The only thing obscene about this woman is her last name.

Pat Niple is 74 years old. She ordered her license plates and renewal stickers by mail. This year, the Bureau of Motor Vehicles returned her check, accompanied by a letter."The letter stated that I could no longer have my license plate, which was NWTF," she said. Niple's personalized plates are NWTF, an abbreviation of Northwood Tree Farm. It also means something else, officials said. "Apparently, the young people use it on the computer."

FYI: Inside sources at IDOT say don't even try to get plates with any of these combinations:

FCK
FKU
FOC
FOK
FQC
FQK
FQU
FUC
FUG
FUK
FUX

I have personalized plates. The letters spell out my feelings on the current state of the world. "Every Act of Terrorism means Escalation" - or as the plate reads, "EAT ME".

BP. We're being "Piped" - not "Hosed"

All this time I thought the Oil Companies were hosing me. Now I realize I was being "piped" all along.

This BP Prudhoe Bay pipeline thing, has me all worked up. BP just released company numbers showing a $54 Billion profit. At the same time it was disclosed they spent right at $1 Billion for repair & upkeep of their facilities. Now, were being told gasoline will skyrocket in price.

The pipeline in question is 16 miles long. That may seem like an engineering hurdle to jump over, but if BP threw dollars at the problem - It'd be repaired in days. Days. Why isn't BP moving mountains to correct the situation? The answer lies in math. Really simple math.

As it turns out, the oil business is the only business that can instantly pass on the cost of doing business to customers in real time. BP oil from elsewhere will fetch a higher price - and the bottom line is well - the same.

Let's say you run a Dairy Queen. You serve a hot fudge sundae containing a cockroach to a woman. She sues. You lose $10 million. Do you raise the cost of soft serve? Of course not. It's the cost of doing business.

Your coffee machine company vice-president is sued for lewd behavior. You lose $30 million. While it will be a pain in the pocketbook - coffee makers will not jump in price.

You're State Farm. You are obligated to pay billions in hurricane damage claims. You can't just raise rates - uuhh - OK, I got this wrong. The Insurance business is the only business that can hose customers as badly as oil companies - and they do it without a single pipe.

Throw 'em all in jail. Every oil executive and insurance man on the planet. It felt good just typing that.