Mariahs "Drink Holder"

Celebrities. To quote ABC's John Stossel, "Gimme a break!" It seems all celebrities these days have "Personal Assistants." These are people on the stars payroll that are assigned the tasks the celebrity doesn't want to do. There are hairstylists, dog walkers, trainers, baby sitters, maids, butlers & gardeners. The term Personal Assistant, covers alot of ground. It can mean almost anything. The jobs & tasks seem to be very specific. Jen Anniston has a woman on her payroll who does nothing but carry her packages when she's shopping. Apparently Jenn shops often enough to need a "package assistant." Many stars have their own baggage handlers. They're dropped at the airport by their drivers, meet with their personal pilots and have their baggage loaded by their "baggage people." I guess this gives the star someone to fire - if their baggage goes missing. I recall Oprah having a personal phone operator at her home. She doesn't trust answering machines. What kind of dough does that pay? For that matter, what does carrying Brangelinas diaper bag pay? I have many things I don't like to do. I could possibly afford an assistant or two. I want a garage assistant. I want a car wash assistant. Their jobs would be to organize my garage and keep my cars clean. These are full time jobs and I'll pay no more than $20k each. Apply in person. You better be one hell of a garage organizer and an avid car detailer.

I'm on this rant because of Mariah Carey. She's taken the Personal Assistant thing - to a new stratospheric level. Mariah has a "Personal Drink Holder." This person holds Mariahs drink - and places it to her lips when Mariah is thirsty. Think about it. Maybe it's not crazy. Thirst is a funny thing. It can come on in a moments notice. One second, you're OK. The next second - you're parched. With a "Drink assistant" - following you everywhere with a drink, all you'd have to do is give a pre-determined hand signal - and the drink is instantly on it's way. The straw is placed to your lips and you simply - suck. AAAAHH. That was refreshing - and not a moment too soon. I might have died of thirst.

How much does this "Drink specialist" make? Where do you train? You don't hire just anyone to hold your drink. You want an Ivy League trained Drink Holder. From what I understand, East Coast schools churn out almost professional drink holders every day. You'd want references. "So you "held" for Johnny Depp?" "Good." "Why are you no longer "holding" for Depp?" "We got into arguments over ice. I want clients to use crushed - and Johnny's a "cube man"."

Does the Holding job have benefits? Is there a Mariah health plan? What about sick days? Will Mariah have a back-up Drink Holder - or will it be the Drink Holders responsibility to hire and train "Holder Understudies."

Tickets are not selling well for this summers Mariah Carey concert tour. Shows and dates are being cancelled as we speak. I imagine the Drink Holder position is tenuous at best. When ya gota cut back - it's always the Drink Holder that gets it first. I bet if the Drink Holder gets fired - she'll be crushed. No she won't - Mariah is exclusively "cubes."