Friday, June 30, 2006

Superman is scary

Is there anyone getting more press than Superman right now?

Here is why you should hate or fear Superman.



1. The cape and tights.
This one is too easy, but just in case you hadn't noticed, "The Big S" parades around in red tightie-whities - pulled up over blue tights - with a cape on. There aren't enough gay jokes to even begin to fairly ridicule the costume Superman wears. Not to mention, he has to have around eighty of these outfits because he has never once been spotted doing laundry.

2. He will steal your woman. Jimmy Olsen taught us one thing – Superman might steal your Girlfriend. Who's to say that your woman is safe?

3. Who died and made him decider of good and evil? Do you find it unbelievable that every single person pummeled by Superman is sinister enough to deserve the beating Superman doles out? Superman could abuse his power whenever he wanted. Being a symbol of justice can get to a guy's head pretty fast. Just because someone makes fun of somebody else's cape and tights doesn't mean they should get the living bajesus beat out of them.

4. He shoots laser beams out of his eyes! It's a nifty trick if you need to fry an egg or cut diamonds, but otherwise not so practical. If you find yourself staring longingly into Superman's eyes: A. You are probably wearing tights and a cape too, or B. You are seconds away from getting your retinas burnt out.

5. He has strange allergies. Like that kid who lived down the street in elementary school and had six inhalers, Superman is not human. But unlike your unfortunate neighbor, he didn't develop diabetes at the age of 6, nor is he allergic to bees, chocolate, and bullies. He has a unique - (meaning completely sissy) allergy to green rocks. "Emeralds?" you might ask. No. "Plutonium?" Not quite. "What foul creation could it possibly be?" Well, I'll tell you. The all mighty Superman gets the heeby jeebies every time he comes in contact with Kryptonite.

6. He can see through your wifes shirt. What kind of guy gets to see any woman he wants naked - and not have the women get mad about it? The chicks know he has X-Ray vision, but they see that cape and tights and know he's not a threat. This is also unfair because I’ve never been able to see what's under my wifes shirt.

7. He is super adopted. Not only adopted, but adopted from another planet. Did the teasing ever stop when he was a child? It feels terrible hearing that your parent's found you at the zoo, but hearing that they found you in a meteor from outer space? That has to be detrimental. Maybe that's why he still wears Superman pajamas.

5 comments:

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