Cats that look like Wilford Brimley

Why it's great to be a woman.

When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first.

A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay.

Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected.

Women live longer than men.

If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.

There are times when a woman can make all her problems disappear with a piece of chocolate.

A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.

If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know.

Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football.

Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket.

A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear.

If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute.

If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp.

Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.

Korean baby singing Hey Jude

korean baby singing hey jude

Kansans love their weapons.

Greetings from Kansas, where it's now legal to own Machine Guns, Sawed off Shotguns & Silencers.

No wonder. The squirrels here are so damn big.

Bazooka's are still outlawed - for now.

Gilligan & Mary Ann Kick Ass

Governmentium - An Element on Periodic Table

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

How Hillary Can Still Win

Best Slam Dunk In History

My own bottled water

I moved to Kansas on good faith. No one told me it was the windiest place on Earth. Now, I discover it's also the place where your sump pump runs all day & night. I must live above an aquifer. Maybe I can bottle all the water that runs just beneath my home. I live in fear I will awaken any day now with 5 inches of water in my basement. "Brifina." That's it. I'm gonna bottle it. I'll set up an automated operation and truck it out daily when I get home from lunch. Retailers interested in stocking "Brifina" basement water, contact me.

Hard hit in Texas and he walks away.

Outsource your Childcare and save big!

THE ECONOMY'S OK AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO DIE

SETTLE DOWN

Despite what you may be hearing, did you know that economists say we AREN'T in a recession? They point out that a recession is two consecutive quarters of negative growth. But the fact is, they say, we haven’t even had one single quarter of negative growth reported. The economy slowed down significantly during the end of last year, but that was after some big growth in the third quarter.

... The average unemployment rate during President Clinton was 5.2 percent. The current unemployment rate is 4.8 percent.

... The average inflation rate under Clinton was 2.6 percent, under Bush it is 2.7 percent.

... While the inflation rate over the last year has gone up to 4 percent, it's still lower than the average inflation rate under all the presidents from Nixon through Bush’s father.

... Gas prices are up 33 percent over the last year, but to get an average of 4 percent inflation means that lots of other prices have stayed the same or gone down.

... Housing has obviously been a big drag on the economy, but many other sectors of the economy, such as exports, have been doing well, some extremely well.

So who's to blame for the panic? Two groups: the presidential candidates and the media.

You are Taliban if........

•You sell heroin for a living but have a moral objection to beer.

•You own a $5,000 machine gun, a $10,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

•You have nothing against women and think that every man should own at least one.

•You bathe each month whether you need it or not.

•You wipe your butt with your hands but... bacon is "unclean."

•You were amazed to discover cell phones have other uses besides setting off roadside bombs.

•You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

•The nicest thing you can hear is "I love what you've done with your cave."

Bulgarian Idol

Barack answering the phone at 3am. Really.

I like Barack. I disagree with him politically, but I believe he's a good man. Behold! The ramifications of being in front of a camera your every waking moment. It's probably early. He's tired from relentless campaigning. He's stressed. He's burning the candle at both ends. Yeah. That's gotta be it. But wait. Look closer. Is he the guy you want answering the phone at 3am? Look at the clock.

OK. Hillary was under fire.

What your first name conveys to others

According to new research, men and women make extensive assumptions about someone's lifestyle and character based simply on their Christian name.

Those called Ryan and Sophie are considered particularly attractive, James and Elizabeth are assumed to be successful, and Jack and Lucy are thought to be lucky.

The least attractive are George and Ann, the least successful are Brian and Lisa, and the unluckiest are John and Helen.
Oh great. I'm Brian, your unsucessful blogger.

But the way names sound can also be important.

"Attractive female names tended to be soft-sounding and end with the 'ee' sound, whereas the sexiest male names are short and much harder sounding."

Kellie will be thrilled at this news.

Ice Cream for Dogs!

This is a great Political Ad.

My Sexual Attraction Code.

This is what it's come to. This is my "Sexual Attraction Code." We all have one. But, what about everyone else on the net? How will you ever really know who you're dealing with. This is the solution. I'm "hanging it out there" for everyone to know once and for all - where I stand.

Click this and you're on your way.

http://www.myattractioncode.com/

MSNBC Officially Thinks Barack is Black on the Outside, White on the Inside

A screen grab from MSNBC's webcast of Barack Obama's much talked-about speech on race. The arrow pointing upwards really drives the point home.

Famous Amos was unavailable for comment.



-radarmagazine.com

The 2008 NCAA Tournament All Porno name team announced.

I'm happy present the 2008 NCAA Tournament All-Porno Name Team.

Third team:

G - Desire Gabou, Western Kentucky

G - LeKendric Longmire, Oregon

F - Luis Colon, Kansas State

F - Travis Lay, American

F - Lance Stemler, Indiana

Second team:

G - Dau Jok, Oklahoma

F - Taj Finger, Stanford

F - Gyno Pomare, San Diego

F - Surry Wood, UNC

C - Longar Longar, Oklahoma

And now for your starters:

G - Lee Cummard, BYU

G - Da'Veed Dildy, Stanford

G - Cam Long, George Mason

F - Wayne Chism, Tennessee

F - Alexis Wangmene, Texas

And your NCAA Tournament All-Porno Name Team head coach:

Ken Bone, Portland State

Google Naps

I love naps. I wanna work at Google. Here's how they nap at work. This is at the Google Headquarters in Mountainview California. This is a "nap pod" that blocks out light & noise, making for a restful nap. Why can't we all nap at work? How come my company doesn't have these available when I'm sleepy? I wanna be that guy. I wanna work at Google. Why must Google be the best at everything? This takes it all. I'm speechless. All I get is a chair and a desk. I have no place to lay my head, when means I must stay awake continually when I'm at work. I wanna work at Google.

Country Star Mark Chesnutt plays the LIGHTNING ROUND!

The Myspace link of Gov. Spitzer's Callgirl

http://www.myspace.com/ninavenetta

Mind if I Fart?

For those who pass gas:

In 880 pages of her modern journal of social decorum, Emily Post wouldn't breathe of the fart's existence. Too bad. It would have been an easy enough task for her to offer some rules for flatulence; simply by taking a cue from Steve ("Mind if I smoke? No, mind if I fart?") Martin, and substituting fart for smoke (or cigarette) in Chapter 64 of Etiquette. "For Those Who Smoke" then becomes a workable code of gastric behavior.

For example:
One may not fart in a church, or during any religious service or cerimonial proceedings.

One may not fart in a sickroom unless the patient himself is farting or unless he specifically says his visitor is welcome to fart.

Good taste still forbids farting by a woman on a city street. It should not be unnecessary to say that no one should think of farting or lighting a fart when dancing.

Farting is forbidden on local buses and on some coaches on the railroad. These cars are clearly marked "No Farting."

Farting is permitted in the mezzanine or loge seats in some movie houses, but never in the main orchestra.

Farting is forbidden in most museums, although some have designated areas where farting is allowed.

Legitimate theaters do not allow farting in the theater proper. It is usually allowed in the outer lobby, and those who wish to fart during the intermission go there to do so. It is perfectly correct for a man who wishes to fart to leave a lady who doesn't, but he should hurry back, and not leave her too frequently.

In private situations when there may be some objection, before lighting your fart, always ask, "Do you mind if I fart?" If there is any hesitation in the reply, do your best to refrain from farting until you leave.

A man should light a woman's fart if he is close to her, but not if he is the other side of the table or it it would be awkward in any way.

Women explained - v1.0

These are perfect for your next Powerpoint presentation.

My Mother died

This is my Mother, Jo Kathryn. She died March 1st. It's difficult even typing that. We all love our Mothers - and I'm no different. I got to see her just hours before her death. She is responsible for many idiosyncrasies in my personality. I'll see her again soon - and as Forrest Gump would say, "And that's all I have to say about that."

By the way - I couldn't get her to watch Forrest Gump. It was a little joke between us. She didn't like all the hype. I even bought her the movie, she still refused to watch it.

So long for now - Mama.

Video message from Kansas

Snow closings

The Procrastinators Club has rescheduled their delays until tomorrow.

Doctors at The Surgery Center are on limited operations.

Our Lady of Perpetual Motion is at a stand-still.

At the Post Office, stamps have been cancelled.

The Psychic Club... well, you know.

The School for the Open-Minded is closed.

The DARE program isn't taking any chances.

The Punctuality Club is two hours late.

The Oliver Stone Academy says this is all a plot.

The Sunnybuns Nudist Colony is clothed.

The "How to get things done seminar has been cancelled."

The Snow Plow Association meeting is cancelled

The "Never Give Up Club" has cancelled their awards dinner.

Taking care of babies. A visual reference.

Merv Griffins tombstone.

Many people joke about what they'd put on their tombstone. Some people actually follow through with the eternal punchline.

Hats off to Merv Griffin. His dry sense of humor will be on display for all time.

By the way, my tombstone shall read, "He will not take the 9th caller."

Report: Someone Totally Doing It Somewhere Right Now

CHICAGO—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in The Journal Of The American Statistical Association, somewhere on the planet someone is totally doing it at this very moment.

"Of the 6.7 billion inhabitants of Earth, approximately 3.5 billion have reached sexual maturity," said Dr. Jerome Carver, a mathematics professor at the University of Chicago and lead author of the study. "From a statistical perspective, it simply stands to reason that at least two of these inhabitants are totally going at it right now. Like, as we speak."

"But it's probably way more than that," Carver added. "Like at least a hundred."

The multidiscipline study, which tapped leading experts in several fields, including reproduction and population sciences, found overwhelming evidence that there is never even a second when someone is not doing it.

An analysis of the data, based on a new statistical model referred to as "Rauchembauer's Overlap," indicates that, given the sheer number of people in the world, by the time the first set of people is done doing it, someone else has already begun getting it on.

In addition, the findings suggest that there is a "good, to very good" chance that someone is doing it close by.

"The nearer you get to major metropolitan areas, the more likely you are to be in proximity to those making it," said California Institute of Technology probability theorist Howard Bergsson, who contributed to the report. "For example, we're in Chicago, a city of three million people. Someone is probably doing it right down the street, or maybe even somewhere in this building."

"And even if they're not, you have to keep in mind that it's nighttime in England right now," Bergsson added. "So someone is, in all likelihood, doing it over there."

While exciting in its own right, the new revelation has also lent credibility to several long-held theories, including the idea that those doing it are either partially or totally naked, and that the doing it itself may in large part involve a process known as "humping."

Citing the global population boom, Carver went on to demonstrate a strong correlation between rising birth rates and the new doing-it probability model.

"Roughly 350,000 babies are born every day," said Carver, who is currently working on a new report entitled "Making It: A Comprehensive Survey Of Sexy Stuff Happening All Over The Place." "And how does that happen? I'm telling you, people are just getting it on like crazy—just all the time."

"Think about it," Carver continued.

Carver said the most important aspect of the study is that it accounts for variables often overlooked in earlier inquiries, an error which may have resulted in a much lower estimation of the worldwide frequency of going at it.

"Other studies addressing this phenomenon made the faulty assumption that people only do it in bed," Carver said. "But people can do it anywhere. Sometimes even in the shower. Or the basement."

According to observers, the study's secondary findings are in some ways even more surprising: Given the fact that not everyone goes all the way all the time, the report predicts that there are at least four times as many people currently frenching or getting to second base than there are doing it.

"The number of people being felt up right now is astronomical," Carver said.

Though the evidence presented by the study appears to be irrefutable, it has already found its share of detractors within the scientific community.

"No way," said Dr. Lane Keilor, a professor of theoretical mathematics at the University of Rochester in New York. "Gross."

The Onion 1/8/08

A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

• January -- Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
• February -- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... bottles won't fit in typewriter!
• March -- Got excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2-4 years!"
• April -- Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!
• May -- Tried to make Kool-Aid... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
• June -- Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope
• July -- Lost breaststroke swimming competition. Learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
• August -- Got locked out of car in rain storm... car swamped, because top was down
• September -- The capital of California is "C"... isn't it?
• October -- Hate M&M's, they are so hard to peel
• November -- Bakes turkey for 41/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
• December -- Couldn't call 911... there's no eleven button on the phone!

Incredible Christmas Story

Thanks to Dave Benson for the story.

From Mark Evanier

The scene is Farmer's Market — the famed tourist mecca of Los Angeles. It's located but yards from the facility they call, "CBS Television City in Hollywood"...which, of course, is not in Hollywood but at least is very close. Farmer's Market is a quaint collection of bungalow stores, produce stalls and little stands where one can buy darn near anything edible one wishes to devour. You buy your pizza slice or sandwich or Chinese food or whatever at one of umpteen counters, then carry it on a tray to an open-air table for consumption. During the Summer or on weekends, the place is full of families and tourists and Japanese tour groups. But this was a winter weekday, not long before Christmas, and the crowd was mostly older folks, dawdling over coffee and danish. For most of them, it's a good place to get a donut or a taco, to sit and read the paper. For me, it's a good place to get out of the house and grab something to eat.

I arrived, headed for my favorite barbecue stand and, en route, noticed that Mel Tormé was seated at one of the tables. Mel Tormé. My favorite singer. Just sitting there, sipping a cup of coffee, munching on an English Muffin, reading The New York Times. Mel Tormé. I had never met Mel Tormé. Alas, I still haven't and now I never will. He looked like he was engrossed in the paper that day so I didn't stop and say, "Excuse me, I just wanted to tell you how much I've enjoyed all your records." I wish I had. Instead, I continued over to the BBQ place, got myself a chicken sandwich and settled down at a table to consume it. I was about halfway through when four Christmas carolers strolled by, singing "Let It Snow," a cappella. They were young adults with strong, fine voices and they were all clad in splendid Victorian garb. The Market had hired them (I assume) to stroll about and sing for the diners — a little touch of the holidays."Let It Snow" concluded not far from me to polite applause from all within earshot. I waved the leader of the chorale over and directed his attention to Mr. Tormé, seated about twenty yards from me. "That's Mel Tormé down there. Do you know who he is?" The singer was about 25 so it didn't horrify me that he said, "No."I asked, "Do you know 'The Christmas Song?'" Again, a "No." I said, "That's the one that starts, 'Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...'" "Oh, yes," the caroler chirped. "Is that what it's called? 'The Christmas Song?'" "That's the name," I explained. "And that man wrote it." The singer thanked me, returned to his group for a brief huddle...and then they strolled down towards Mel Tormé. I ditched the rest of my sandwich and followed, a few steps behind. As they reached their quarry, they began singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." directly to him. A big smile formed on Mel Tormé's face — and it wasn't the only one around. Most of those sitting at nearby tables knew who he was and many seemed aware of the significance of singing that song to him. For those who didn't, there was a sudden flurry of whispers: "That's Mel Tormé...he wrote that..."As the choir reached the last chorus or two of the song, Mel got to his feet and made a little gesture that meant, "Let me sing one chorus solo." The carolers — all still apparently unaware they were in the presence of one of the world's great singers — looked a bit uncomfortable. I'd bet at least a couple were thinking, "Oh, no...the little fat guy wants to sing." But they stopped and the little fat guy started to sing...and, of course, out came this beautiful, melodic, perfectly-on-pitch voice. The look on the face of the singer I'd briefed was amazed at first...then properly impressed. On Mr. Tormé's signal, they all joined in on the final lines: "Although it's been said, many times, many ways...Merry Christmas to you..." Big smiles all around. And not just from them. I looked and at all the tables surrounding the impromptu performance, I saw huge grins of delight...which segued, as the song ended, into a huge burst of applause.

The whole tune only lasted about two minutes but I doubt anyone who was there will ever forget it. I have witnessed a number of thrilling "show business" moments — those incidents, far and few between, where all the little hairs on your epidermis snap to attention and tingle with joy. Usually, these occur on a screen or stage. I hadn't expected to experience one next to a falafel stand — but I did. Tormé thanked the harmonizers for the serenade and one of the women said, "You really wrote that?" He nodded. "A wonderful songwriter named Bob Wells and I wrote that...and, get this — we did it on the hottest day of the year in July. It was a way to cool down. "Then the gent I'd briefed said, "You know, you're not a bad singer." He actually said that to Mel Tormé. Mel chuckled. He realized that these four young folks hadn't the velvet-foggiest notion who he was, above and beyond the fact that he'd worked on that classic carol. "Well," he said. "I've actually made a few records in my day...""Really?" the other man asked. "How many?" Tormé smiled and said, "Ninety."

BOOBS REVEAL YOUR PERSONALITY

A sex researcher says he's discovered how a man can find a perfect mate - by the size and shape of her boobs. "A woman's breasts denote a woman's character, just like her star sign," sexologist Piero Lorenzoni says. And to demonstrate his premise, the scientist has developed a chart using a variety of fruits to represent breasts. From melons to cherries, Lorenzoni said a woman's temperament can be charted just by matching the correct fruit to her chest size.

Melons -- Big-breasted gals whose bosoms resemble this fruit may appear to be the motherly type, but Lorenzoni says that assessment is way off base. "She likes eating and wants to be spoiled and admired," he said, "but seldom likes sex."

Lemons -- Happy-go-lucky girls who have these size breasts are "women who are full of life and can laugh at themselves," claimed the expert. "They want a balanced life without surprises."

Pineapples -- If you're looking for a brainy honey who'll stick with you through thick and thin, Lorenzoni suggest: "A woman with pineapple breasts is intelligent, often has a career but is still romantic. They are also faithful. Whoever wins their heart will not lose it quickly."

Grapefruits -- Boobs this size could be giving off the wrong signal if a guy is looking for a sex goddess. "This woman may look erotic, but is reality she's bashful," Lorenzoni explained. "She spoils her partner but prefers tenderness over sex."

Oranges -- Another lady who's all talk and no action is one with a bosom the shape of this fruit. "While she's self-confident, she has little interest in sex," said the researcher. "She likes conversation and friendship."

Pears -- This shaped woman is a pure romantic. "She loves love in all its variations," Lorenzoni proclaimed. "They can be very religious, but nonetheless pear women are famous for their steamy affairs."

Cherries -- Girls with petite breasts like this fruit are the most fun, according to Lorenzoni. "They're fun and very exciting," he said. If you want life to be a bowl of cherries, then this is your gal.

I just Blinded you with Science.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Bikini Photo

First off, I expect site traffic through the roof with this posts title. One can't underestimate the seedy underbelly of the internet. This will likely generate the most traffic this site has seen in months. I'll let ya know later.

This is the pic that's causing Jennifer Love Hewitt so much grief. Poor thing. She's simply enjoying time at the beach and some photog snaps this beauty. In the "Immediate media" world we live in, it's bounced around the world in seconds.

If you haven't seen this already, you don't spend much time online do you?

Point is - she's under attack for being "fat."

Jenn today shot back "Since when is a size 2 fat?"

This picture alone is reason enough to avoid stardom at all costs.

Urban Dictionary Blog definitions

BLOG

A meandering, blatantly uninteresting online diary that gives the author the illusion that people are interested in their stupid, pathetic life.

BLOG POLICE

A blogger who forces their view of the world down the throats of other bloggers.
At their absolute worst when someone doesn't toe the bloggers party beliefs on what blogging is about. Usually more about the blogger protecting his or her perceived 'territory' on the web.

BLOG DRAMA

One of the most pathetic, immature displays of stupidity you'll stumble across on the internet. Usually between two or more bloggers regarding politics, religion, and a variety of other boring topics.

Someone posts something that makes someone else mad. That person retaliates with personal attacks, which leads the other person to retaliate. Other bloggers join in and post about the drama. Minions on all sides join ranks and battle each other to defend their favorite blogger. In the end, no-one wins, because they're all pathetic losers. It's so sad, but at the same time, highly entertaining to those on the outside who can only shake our heads and call them out for the losers they really are.

BLOG TROLL

To hide under a bridge of the information superhighway known to be traveled by your sworn enemies, waiting to pounce at an opportune moment with senseless attacks and irrational rants.

BLOGGER

"Term used to describe anyone with enough time or narcissism to document every tedious bit of minutia filling their uneventful lives. Possibly the most annoying thing about bloggers is the sense of self-importance they get after even the most modest of publicity. Sometimes it takes as little as a referral on a more popular blogger's website to set the lesser blogger's ego into orbit.


And yes, I just "blogged" this. I am part of the problem.

Smear Campaign

Barack Obama has responded to a photo that has been circulating since it was taken at Iowa Senator Tom Harkin's annual Democratic fundraiser, showing him alongside candidates Richardson and Clinton. His two rivals have their hands to their hearts while Obama's are folded neatly below his belt. Obama opponents have circulated the photo in emails claiming it reveals Obama's lack of patriotism.

Said Obama: "This is the classic dirty trick of the campaign...This is just so irritating. This was not the Pledge of Allegiance. This woman was singing the Star Spangled Banner. Now, I was taught by my grandfather that you put your hands over your heart during the Pledge of Allegiance. The Star Spangled Banner, you sing. So that's what I did. These aren't the only e-mails that are going out. You've got e-mails saying that I'm a Muslim plant that's trying to take over America and this and that and the other."

If Obama's correct, Bill & Hillary are the idiots. I don't know who that other woman is, but she appears to be attempting to strangle herself.