Tuesday, May 23, 2006

OSD. Obsessive Shorts Disorder

Often I see reports on how you can deduce things about a person, by the things they own - or do - or say. These things reveal inner feelings a person might not be ready to admit. Psychiatrists draw conclusions about people from these things. Obsessive behaviors for example.

I HAVE EIGHTEEN PAIRS OF SHORTS. If you'd asked me how many pairs of shorts I had, I'd have probably answered, "six". I came to my "shorts realization" cleaning out my closet. I rifled through my folded pants - neatly stacking my shorts into a single pile. Soon, my shorts pile was about top topple over. Eighteen pairs of shorts do not sit well in one pile. I'm not talking about underwear. I probably have more than eighteen pairs of underwear. I also have five swim suits.

I have athletic shorts, khaki shorts, cotton shorts, and shorts that are shiney (like Evander Holyfield might wear.) I have short shorts, and long shorts, that make me look like I belong in "the hood". I've collected these shorts over the last 15 years. I must be "shorts compulsive". That's the only conclusion I can make. I have "a thing" for shorts - and I don't understand it. I don't even look good in shorts. I rarely wear shorts in public, reserving shorts for weekends at home and washing the car. Shorts for me are "vacation pants". Maybe that's why I have so many shorts. Maybe deep inside I'm trying to recapture the freedom & joy of vacations long gone. Maybe I associate shorts with really good days, and for $15 I can buy a "piece of a great day." Now, I'm attempting to diagnose my problem. I should leave this to professionals. I need therapy. No person needs eighteen pairs of shorts and five swimsuits. And those of you who have that many - should summon the courage to throw some out. I just can't. I have my shorts neatly stacked in three piles. Now, they're categorized by "casual level".

I'm gonna ask my Doctor if SHORTREX is right for me. SHORTREX - for obsessive shorts disorder. OSD. I'm the first person on earth to admit to the problem. Pray for me that my OSD doesn't ruin my life and I end up alone on the streets pushing a cart with 300 pairs of shorts in it. Maybe I've caught it in time.

3 comments:

Your Daughter said...

Daddio - it's great that you admitted your problem. That is, in fact, the first step in solving it. Your courage has inspired me to admit something as well. I have OUD - Obsessive Underwear Disorder. I don't know how it happened, but one day I realized that I had over 40 pairs of underwear. I have a problem.

Briblog Blog said...

You need PANTREX. For those who obsess about panties. PANTREX is for women. UNDREX is for men with the same problem.

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