Saturday, December 17, 2005

I need an Apprentice


Randall won the latest Apprentice on NBC. Super sharp guy. Contrary to my daughters beliefs, I believe he did the right thing claiming the night "his own" instead of allowing Donald to hire Rebecca too. If Don wants Rebecca, he'll hire her. He doesn't need Randalls permission. This was his night. He won the game. Rebecca was good though - I liked her more when I realized she was just 23 years old.

Now, the call for MY APPRENTICE.

I need about 20 contestants. You will shadow me for 16 weeks. You will scour the internet non stop looking for content for my radio show. You will contact companies looking for goofy prizes to give away on my show. You will take calls from listeners after the show, answering questions or apologizing. You will be in the studio 15 minutes before me with 2 pairs of headphones and 2 cups of coffee. One black and one with cream and sugar. You will have the news laid out for Kellie in little piles by subject. You will have the weather forecasts in place with the current temperature. You will brief Brian & Kellie on the following: Has anything burned down? Has anyone been assassinated? Are we in another war? Plane crash? Slick streets? School closings? Anything that will allow me to skate in just seconds ahead of 6am. This will allow me to sleep as late as possible. I also require a great pen and highlighter. Position it just to the right of the board along with a pair of scissors. Find me a paperclip. Place it there too - I often need a paperclip. Turn up all the lights. At my age I need all the light possible. Oversee anything printed on a computer, and be sure to use 16 font size. This way I won't strain to read. Watch the phones for the little green lights and gently nudge me when the calls come in - I may be looking the other way. Don't speak a lot. Doing what I do requires too much concentration to engage me in much conversation. How about you raise your hand.
I will fire one contestant per week. If, at the end of it all, you are the last person standing, you will be awarded a job paying minimum wage. The job will last till probably 4 or 5pm, long after I've gone for the day. This job comes with no guarantee. If you begin to irritate me, you will be told to leave immediately. E-mail me to apply. The contest begins when I have 20 applicants. Brian Pierce is an equal opportunity employer.