I have lost my "Mustache Confidence"

I have a mustache. I've had it almost 30 years. My first attempts at a mustache didn't go so well. I remember early on - it came in blonde - and was hard to see. It took my body a while to accumulate enough testosterone to produce a manly mustache. It's not a problem now. I have what I call a "Sam Elliott" mustache. San Elliott, one of the greatest mustaches of my generation. My Dad still has a mustache. He used to look like Burt Reynolds. Remember how great Robert Redford looked with a mustache in Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid? In my eyes - manly men - have mustaches. Is this truth - or just an illusion?

New polls of women indicate the "mustache reign" is over. Nearly 2/3 of women - find mustaches NOT SEXY. Women prefer men with clean shaves. No beards, no mustaches, no sideburns - nothing. Just clean shaved men. This is why I have lost my "mustache confidence". I'm not sure why I hold onto this outdated idea of macho. Today, the best mustaches are on the guys in porn movies. I certainly don't want to be associated with that group.

I want to be lumped in with Tom Sellick & Clark Gable. Instead I'm compared with Weird Al Yankovich & Mario from the video game.

There is just one good mustache on TV these days. John Stossel on ABC. Thank God for John - but you can bet ABC has pressured him to shave it off. In reality, for every great man with a mustache, there is a turd with one. Saddam Hussein & Hitler come to mind.

Women. What do they know? Not sexy? Mustaches will come back, and even though I may have lost my "mustache mojo", I'll keep mine. My Wilford Brimley mustache. After all, I look more like Wilford, than Sam Elliott.

I'd like to BE Denny Crane

Denny Crane. William Shatners character on ABC-TV's Boston Legal. Dennys an over the hill attorney. Past his prime, losing his mind - but it's been made clear - he was once brilliant. He's obviously a millionaire. He has name recognition in the legal community. He's the best dressed man in the history of television. This isn't Bill Shatners decision. The wardrobe people are defining this character by his outstanding sharp dress.

I've always wanted to wear $5000 suits. I want $500 ties and $2000 shoes. I want $400 shirts and $600 belts. I'd top it off with a $20,000 watch and $300 hair-cut. Denny Crane has all this, and I notice. These aren't just nice looking clothes he's wearing. Denny Crane is wearing the highest end menswear ever broadcast on television. I love it. I like the character more because of it. I want to BE Denny Crane. And there lies my only problem.

My God. The man I wanna be, the man I wanna look like, the man I've made my idol, the man I emulate - is 75 years old.

Car buying lesson from a car TV show host

If you reside in Central Illinois you've probably seen me at some point co-hosting "The Friendly Auto Show." It's been on WICS, WCIA, WCFN & cable for 7 years.

I love cars. I've owned many. I know cars are expensive. I am a pre-owned advocate. I usually shoot for cars about two years old with 30,000 miles on 'em. The type of cars I like to buy, (large American luxury cars) don't hold their value - and consequently I get a pretty good price. The cars I usually drive retail for over $40,000 - but I pay a fraction of that. In my mind - that makes me smart. Car dealers see more customers like me all the time, and pack their lots with cars like these.

What I don't understand, are people that spend huge amounts of money on cars. Granted, some of you have money to burn and simply want a brand new car. OK. Some of you equate status to your vehicle, and spend accordingly. That's OK too. You are within your right to drive what you want. But....................

Some people go way overboard. Case in point. A Kansas City man ordered a new Ford-GT from his local dealership. This is a race car plain and simple. It was a prototype rolled out at the Detroit Auto Show last year. Ford has had the GT design for years. Ford raced it all around the world for decades. Ford wanted to compete with the attention Dodge was getting with it's Viper. Ford floated the GT balloon at the auto show to see if they'd get any takers. Kansas City man - and a handfull of others - took the bait - and spent $200,000 on average - for the car.
The wait time from the factory is long. Kansas City man waited two years for his car. Finally, the dealership calls. They have his car. He writes the huge check. Man, this car is beautiful. Why shouldn't it be? It cost $200,000! He drove it straight home and garaged it. He was worried of anything bad happening to his new car. The next day he decided to get out the new car. He wanted to experience the horsepower so he gunned it a little. He was on the grounds of his Country Club, (likely showing off) , when he lost traction in the rear wheels going over a little bridge near the 17th fairway. After a two year wait, $200,000, and with just 8 miles on the GT - he plowed into a steel and concrete pole.

He's OK. The pole doesn't even have a scratch. Today he wishes he purchased something a little more conventional. Something with 500 less horses under the hood, pre-owned - about 2 years old, with 30,000 miles on it.

Why the record companies have lower profits

We hear it everyday. This Internet thing has ruined the record business. We're sharing songs. We're illegally downloading music. We're not paying for music any longer. CD sales, though still robust - are down. Sales continue to decline. It's only a matter of time before CD's disappear completely and go the way of the 8 track. Why is business down? The record companies thought they knew. "That damn internet!" The lawsuits continue to fly. Everyday people are being dragged into court. Some lose - and end up thousands in debt to a record company. What began with Napster, soon exploded to Kazaa, Morpheus, Limewire and the like. Record companies had themselves convinced these services were the reason profits are down. They were wrong.

Gallup polls of music buyers (those under 30 years old) revealed something interesting. The question was "Why don't you buy as many CD's as you used to?" The expected response: "I download 'em for free!" The answer they gave: "Music today sucks!" What? The internet isn't the scapegoat? File sharing isn't cutting into profits the way we thought it was? Nope. Music today sucks.

I've been on the frontlines of the music business for three decades. I'm the guy that played the songs on the radio - you decided to buy in stores. Radio made these songs hits. The repetition of hearing them over and over made you like them. It's that simple. It used to be that "Hit Radio" (the format that drives the most record sales) was mass appeal. You could listen to your local Top 40 station and hear music that appealed to listeners 12 to 50. This trend continued well into the 80's. But, there was a point a few years back when "Hit Radio" changed. The music they played became less mass appeal. It became rhythmic. It became rap. It turned raunchy. Suddenly stations that appealed to everyone - began to appeal to just the young. The really young. It seems Hit Radio today appeals to those under 20. It's not that they don't play good songs now & then - it's that they mix in this rhythmic, rap, raunchy crap. This is precisely why people in the survey said "Music today sucks!" Those vocal 20 to 30's made their opinion known. We can conclude most CD sales today are being made to this under 20 crowd by the music being played on Hit Music stations. It's a viscous cycle. Record Company profits are down. They release more product for those that are still buying CD's (under 20's) - and the rest of us lament, "Music today sucks."

RELEASE BETTER MUSIC. It's out there. Bands and songs have yet to be discovered. There are radio stations that cater to older demographics - but we don't buy CD's do we. My radio program is thriving - maybe because some of the music I play is up to 35 years old. My audience would agree that "Music today sucks."

Nuclear Bomb Toys - finally.

All right! Finally a company has released little nuclear bomb - TOYS!! I've had guns, rockets, slingshots, bazookas & shoulder fire grenade launchers. I've had war planes, missiles & various knives. I've had a sword, a machete and a couple of bayonet's. Now, thanks to a company called Brumm - for $10 I can get toy nuclear bombs. Not just any nuclear bomb mind you - replicas of the bombs we dropped on Japan! Fat Man & Little Boy will cost $10 each! This is quality play. Here's how. Playing "Nuclear Bomb" requires you to make an airplane engine sound with your mouth. A little plane would be nice, but it's not necessary. All you really need is the hmmmmmmm sound of the engines. If you don't have a toy plane, just flatten your hand as if it's a wing. Hold the toy bomb with the other hand under the wing. Now, fly over your target. Targets include other kids playing dolls, Hot Wheels or board games. You fly at high altitude and release your payload. Your nuclear device pretend explodes. Everyone pretend dies. At this point - everyone must suspend play - go back in the house - or if you're in the house already - go to bed.

I don't get Jessica Simpson

I don't get Jessica Simpson. I don't see any talent. I don't hear talent either. What does she do? Sing? C'mon. Act? Please. It appears her talent is "being". She just stands there and men oogle her. What do these men see? I don't know. I'm a red blooded American male. I love women. I adore pretty women. Why don't I see what other men see in Jessica Simpson? It's that her beauty is as thin as rice paper. She's all surface and nothing underneath. Smart is sexy. That's my problem with Jessica. Men reading this are thinking, "Who cares if she's smart?" How could you carry on an intelligent conversation with this load? You'd get blank looks back when the conversation centered on anything but fashion & hair. I could talk about fashion & hair for a while I guess, but eventually I'd want to discuss Politics, terrorism, the Olympics, NASA, any of 1000 topics that'd be off limits to her underdeveloped brain. She's concentrated on herself so long, she has no depth of personality. This is why Nick Lachey fled. Trust me - he fled. Coffee & the paper in the morning with Jessica would have been the least satisfying experience on Earth. "Hey, Alan Greenspan stepped down as Fed chairman!" "Fed what? Alan Greenburg? Stepped where? Is he related to Kevin Federline?" Poor stupid thing. Poor stupid rich $30 million a year thing. Who's giving her the money? Make them stop. My reaction to Jessica has gotten so bad - I won't even try the new Pizza Hut Cheese Poppers pizza - solely because she's in the commercial.

I made the house smell bad

I love to cook. I did something very bad last night. I set out to make a "Shepherds Pie". I went on-line to snag a recipe. I shopped for the ingredients. I made this concoction per the recipe. Something went terribly wrong.

I spelled "Shepherds" - wrong. When I Googled the recipe, I spelled it "Sheppard." Many recipes came up. ALL of them were slightly different. When I get several versions of something I want to prepare, often I take a "consensus" of the recipes. If a majority of the recipes call for something in particular, I'll put it in. Virtually each recipe I saw included corn & peas. Most contained celery. I followed the instructions - and what I served - smelled like feet. Really bad. Funny though, it tasted OK - just smelled bad. Not a single person commented on the smell. Maybe they couldn't smell it - but I sure could. We ate it, and saved the leftovers. I dread going home from work today, because I fear the smell has escaped the refrigerator and has engulfed the house.

I'll try this again. Next time I'll spell it right. The recipes I get with the correct spelling are nothing like what ever it is I made. There are no peas, corn or celery. There's beef broth, onion, ketchup & cream. Sounds good. Smells better - I hope.

I'm at the end of my Wireless Phone Rope

Wireless phones. Cell Phones. Now that they're here, how could we live without them? That's the way technology is. The world functioned well for billions of years before cell phones - now - BLAM - they're here, and we gotta have them. OK, I concede portable wireless phones are kinda neat. Some of you really need them. You get the phone, you sign on the line for "the plan" - and you're part of the cellular (or now - digital wireless) community. That's not my rub.

*Who thought up the Camera Phone? How could two things completely unrelated - making a call & taking a picture - become married into one technology? The wireless companies thought it up. In secret meetings behind closed doors, they conspired to make your bill as high as possible. The minutes you used weren't going to produce the profits they wanted - so "Hey, let's attach a camera to that thing!" Everytime you take a picture and send it to anyone - you pay. Even if you send it to yourself - you pay.

*Who thought up the special ringtones? Same deal. The beeping & buzzing wasn't good enough. Now ringtones have become the single biggest moneymaker in the music business.

*Who thought up internet access? Who thought up TV on your phone? E-mail, instant messages - Geez - there are countless ways to rack up your phone bill, that have nothing to do with a phone.

I have a camera. I have a PC. I have several TV's and several e-mail accounts. Why would I duplicate these services on a phone? This is money wasted, and we're all being taken for a "technology ride." If any of these services were available free of charge, that might be different. It'd be added value. But they're not. They're all part of your a la carte phone bill.

My cell phone last straw is downloadable music. OOOHHHH the phone has little stereo speakers and I can download songs for $1 each! Wow. Now, that's value. The bill comes. Your $39 plan is now $215 because you downloaded 5 songs, 4 ringtones, answered 20 e-mails, sent 40 instant messages and shot 15 people pictures. You paid to get the basketball score and watch a movie trailer. You paid to play Mario Brothers on line while you waited to see the Dentist. My God you throw away money.

Rest assured, I embrace technology. I can do anything you do with your phone. I can do every last stupid thing your phone does and do it cheaper - because I don't even have a wireless phone. Everyone in my family does - but, I don't.

Maybe that's why I'm pissed off about the bills. Do ya think?

OK - I like Curling

Kellie got me into this. Olympic Curling. I don't understand it. I don't know the rules. I've just seen it a few times before - and yet - I'm fascinated with it. I watch. I don't know the score or how to score. I see women sliding granite rocks on ice at a target. Sometimes it's in the target and that's good. Sometimes it's bad. They slide and brush and scoot their feet on the ice like they're dancing. They're Olympians yet they don't sweat. They appear to be able to compete in street clothes. Injury doesn't seem to be a part of this sport - nor does age. I've watched several "matches" (if you call them that) - and they seem to go on forever. It looks like there is a clock of some sort, but I don't know how it factors. I don't know how many throws a team gets (or if they even call them "throws".) I am completely in the dark here - yet I watch. I even cheer at times, taking cues from the spectators there, because I don't know when to cheer. I know how to cheer - but when it comes to Curling I don't know why. I know nothing but Curling seems cool - (if you call it that.)

The $368 Million Powerball jackpot DIVIDED UP!

For the world to see.

How I would split the $368 million jackpot.

These people that take the "lump sum" are idiots. Jeez, take all the money you can. Even if you didn't expect to live 20 years - your heirs will thank you.

I am married. Here is my breakdown. 5 kids, 2 sets of parents, 6 total siblings on both sides, a wife, ex wife & 2 ex husbands. Each will get $10 million. Save two. The ex wife & the first ex husband. The second ex husband is a pretty good guy and makes the $10 million list.

For the record, over the years I've gone into lifelong promise pacts with several people. Should any of us ever win a considerable amount of money - they'd get a share. In this case, not a full share - just a cool $1 million. The short list includes, Ed Coyle/Dallas Texas & Bob Murray/Decatur Illinois. Maybe I promised more people I'd share with them - I just don't recall - and that my friend holds up in court.

My wife undoubtedly has made similar arrangements with countless people - who will come forward upon the news of the big win. We'll hire lawyers to handle that.

After taxes, I want the rest - to spend foolishly. Reach me by cell phone. I'll be on the road in my $2.9 million motorhome.

Your dog barks in a regional dialect.

Scientists have recently confirmed a couple of things. Men & Women are attracted to people that look like they do. This explains why after several years of matrimony all married couples end up looking like each other. Same goes for cats & dogs. Pets eventually begin to look like their owners. Science backs this up.

New British research suggests DOGS BARK IN REGIONAL ACCENTS. Dogs of the same breed, raised in different regions - with unique dialects - begin to bark like their owner speaks. The scientists offer just this. The dogs may be trying to bond with their owners by mimicking their speech patterns.

I'm sure follow up research will compare California dogs (woof - dude) to Texas dogs (woof - y'all.) North Carolina dogs will be found to bark like Nascar drivers, and Massachusetts dogs will bark in a stuffy way down their nose at you. Florida dogs will sound Cuban or Jewish depending on the owner. Wisconsin dogs will bark "Ruff - Ya."

Of course you don't believe you have an accent. Listen closely to your dog. If it barks, "Whoof - ah - so", it's likely you're Chinese.

Al Gore - SHUT UP.

Al Gore condemned the U.S. treatment of Arabs after the 9/11 attacks Sunday while speaking to a mostly Saudi audience at the Jiddah Economic Forum in Saudi Arabia. Gore said that Arabs in the U.S. had been, "indiscriminately rounded up, often on minor charges of overstaying a visa or not having a green card in proper order, and held in conditions that were just unforgivable."

What possible good can come from this statement? For a political leader (I use the term loosely here) to stand before Arabs and make charges like this - just adds fuel to the fire we're fighting with Islam. Many of the 9/11 hijackers were here using expired visas. Almost all the hijackers were Saudis.

This statement has been given alot of play on the networks. It's been shown around the world. It's been translated into Arabic and printed in papers.

We have men & women in uniform in harms way, and he blasts his own countries policies.

Free speech? How about treason. Here's the definition:
1, Violation of allegiance toward one's country or sovereign, especially the betrayal of one's country by waging war against it or by consciously and purposely acting to aid its enemies.
2, A betrayal of trust or confidence.

Let's put Al in a straight jacket, and ship his ass out. I thought John Kerry & Ted Kennedy were bad. Al no longer belongs here.

The Missing Olympic Events

In America, the Olympics have become all about television. NBC paid $2.9 Billion for the television rights to the next three Olympics. To recoup that investment they need viewers. They need alot of viewers. Are the current Olympic events captivating enough to hold our interest? Sure, everyone has a few favorites. But, how about the Olympic committee consider adding even more new events? Here are a few I propose.

Instead of discouraging drug use, have an event for drug users. As a matter of fact, make THAT the event. Athletes sitting around doing drugs. America could send Tommy Chong and the U.K. could send Keith Richards. There could be "pairs" like Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie vs. Kelly Osborne & Lindsay Lohan. First to pass out - loses. See what I mean?

How about Texas Hold 'Em Poker. America would send Phil Helmuth, Jesus Ferguson & Chris Moneymaker. They'd kick the Nigerian Poker Teams ass.

How about an International Chopper Motorcycle building competition? There's a time limit. We could send that Father & Son from West Coast Choppers. They would nicely represent America.

Speaking of time limits - how about Olympic 30 minute meals? The Japanese team would sent their "Iron Chefs" - but those guys need an hour. Rachel Ray would do nicely.

Olympic home redecorating. Don't laugh. Take the whole damn HGTV staff and select TLC decorators. Ratings would be through the roof and we could finally see then paint in slow motion.

Olympic Survivor. Get Jeff Probst and 1 contestant from each country - give 'em nothing - and see who lasts until the closing ceremony.

Bobsledding with Celebrities. Luge with the Stars. I could do this all day. One thing for sure - you'd watch. Any of these would pull a bigger audience than Cross Country Skiing. Tradition? Hell with that. It's all about the money.

A Man sounds off on Valentines Day

It's pressure, plain & simple. It's stress. It's a lofty hard to achieve goal. The mission: be unpredictable - yet romantic on Valentines Day. We love these women. They have enriched our lives. The ball is in our romantic court. Society made it this way. Actual figures show men out spend women nearly 2-1 on Valentines Day. The images from magazines & television are almost impossible to re-create. On TV she melts at the sight of the $99 necklace from Zales. $99 necklace? I guess he doesn't love her much. Irony is - if he spends $5000 (her worth) she'll make him return it - because she wants new furniture.
This is the same pressure the President feels. It's called "measured response" in Washington. Men have to instinctively gauge what to do & how much to spend.
This is why men break down. We freeze. Nothing is good enough. No gift is just right. No flowers are beautiful enough. No candy sweet enough. No diamond big enough. No perfume smells right. No restaurant can measure up. No card says the appropriate thing.

But we trudge on - because we love that woman. We'll make mistakes. Forgive us - forgive us all - we know not what we do.

Local TV News behind the scenes

Media Consultants. They know it all. They advise television newsrooms & newspeople. The hopes are for higher ratings. Often the advice is good and the anchors go on to real stardom. Consultants tell these people we see on TV - how to dress, how to wear their hair, lose a few pounds and shave off that moustache. They tell them how to hold their hands, which side is their "good side", stop doing that "funny thing" with your eyebrows & get your teeth whitened. They help the TV talent learn to write a better story & how to tell a better story. How to write & tell a story. That should be most important - but often it's not. Sometimes the advice the consultants give the media companies is so miniscule - you'll never really notice. Sometimes it's glaringly obvious. Case in point: WICS-TV 20.
Recently the anchors have been told how to sit at the desk. That's right. they were improperly sitting. They were facing the right direction. They were looking into the camera's - but they needed to do this magic thing - this one particular thing - that just might push WICS-TV News over the top.
The anchors were told to lean toward each other. See for yourself these two adult anchorpeople leaning in at 30 degree angles toward each other. They almost form a triangle. They're so close they can probably smell one anothers breath. "Look for the the Newschannel Leaning Anchors @ Noon, 5, 6 & 10."

Why - is the question. I imagine the consultants feel this makes the anchors appear to like one another.

Eyeglasses are a ripoff.

I've worn glasses since first grade. I'll never forget the first time I wore them to school. I was the first kid in my class that wore glasses. I looked like a little Drew Carey. Over the years I wore them less & less. BUT, I MUST have glasses to read anything. I can drive a car (I pass the eye test) - I can watch TV - I can do almost anything - but read - without glasses. I've owned too many pairs of glasses to count. They cost me thousands of dollars. In the old days glasses were more "sturdy". Glasses in the 60's & 70's didn't seem to fall apart like glasses do today. Maybe fashion is the problem. As frames become thinner - glasses become more fragile. It's getting to the point glasses self destruct in about a year. The screws begin to fall out and the lenses pop out. We screw them back together - but after that first time your glasses come apart - they're never the same. Your glasses have passed their 'expiration date."

The last professionally fitted glasses I bought cost $450. I was willing to wait "longer than an hour" - and pay for quality. The glasses DID last longer than a year. They lasted TWO years - then fell apart. Recently, I threw in the towel.
This last pair were bifocals. I often found myself just using the bottom bifocal portion of the lens. This was the part of the lens that made everything appear huge. "Man! Look at the size of that piece of Pie!" The pie size was normal - it's my lenses that made it appear the size of a hubcap.
On a whim - I purchased a pair of $12 reading glasses at a Wal Mart. I'm not one to suggest - "Trust the eye experts at Wal Mart." BUT - they were GREAT! I still only wear them to read - and now own about 5 pairs. if I accidently sit on a pair - no big deal - I just have $12 invested. One pair, I bought for a dollar. I'll never spend more than $15 on a pair of glasses ever again in my life. If you haven't investigated for yourself that little display in Walgreens or Wal Mart or Target (they're everywhere) - you're missing out.

I'm no eye doctor. I'm a dude wearing cheap glasses he bought off a rack. I can see as well now -than ever. If you spot me in the future with a seeing eye dog, you can razz me about this post - otherwise go with me on this

By the way, none of these cheap glasses have fallen apart. Not even the $1 pair.

SUPERLAME XL Detroit

The game was lame. The commercials were lame. The TV production was lame. Jimmy Kimmel after the LAMEBOWL was lame. WHAT'S THE DEAL?

The game was lame. At least it wasn't a blowout. Both teams waaay to nervous to settle down and play well. Not until the third quarter did we see either team play well.

The commercials were lame. I told ya they would be. Both ABC and the NFL had to sign off on content before broadcast. This led to the most dismal year for Superbowl commercials yet. The problem isn't exclusively the fault of the network & the league. Media itself is partially responsible for the hype - that causes us to be underwhelmed. How could the commercials possibly meet the hype? Our expectations were set so high - that when they actually aired - most fell flat. Creativity is partly to blame too. I've been part of the media machine for over three decades - and I'll offer my services to any agency for a fraction of the commission you paid your Creative Dept. to come up with the FED-EX Caveman spot. I like Jay Mohr - but those Pepsi spots???? They actually sang, "Brown & Bubbly!" Budweiser. How about you show a person raising a bottle to their lips and drinking it? They can't. Did you know that? So not PC - there's a law.

The TV production was lame. ABC coverage is the worst. Al Michaels couldn't hold an audience for Monday Night Football. Madden is tired and not nearly as fun as he was at CBS all those years ago. The graphics & presentation were old hat too. Take a cue from FOX and innovate. Innovate something. Innovate anything. Just TRY something new - to show you can do it. And for the love of God - get those women off the sideline. Your blatant attempt to soothe a more female audience Sunday - just aggravated the men watching. The trade off wasn't worth it.

Jimmy Kimmel was lame too. Remember all the big premieres that debuted after Superbowls? ABC threw us Jimmy Kimmel. Now I'm getting mad. ABC - I'll give you the same deal I offered the ad agencies. How about just 15% of the salary you pay your executives - and I'll help you get the ship back on track?

How about a new Church?

The "FIRST CHURCH OF THE SEATED!" I attend a Presbyterian Church. We have a beautiful service each Sunday. After many years sleeping in on Sundays - I've resumed regular attendance. I sing & pray. I give more than my share to the collection plate. I stand & sit. I stand & sit. I stand up - then sit down. Is it just Presbyterians that stand & sit & stand & sit & stand & sit??? I love my God, I want to show the respect he deserves - but is all this standing & sitting necessary? How about we stand just once - and do all the "standing business" at that time? Up & down. "THE FIRST CHURCH OF THE SEATED" - can be a Church where you will be seated - and remain that way until it's time to stand and leave. I can pray seated. I can sing seated. I can give generously to the Church from a seated position. I know I'm not alone on my thoughts about this repeated standing & sitting. While we're at it - Churches in general could make the pews a little more comfortable. When I am seated - it's on a puny 1/2 inch pad - placed atop a giant Mahogany pew. I might as well sit on a concrete slab.
"Oh, that Brian's a complainer!" That's not it at all. I just want to open eyes to new possibilities and start a dialogue. These ideas aren't sacrilegious. Jesus suffered for me. Is it necessary we suffer in return? I look at these ideas as progressive. Jesus is in my heart. I don't think he'd mind if I praised his name while comfortably seated in the front row at the 'FIRST CHURCH OF THE SEATED" - listening to the Rev. Richard Bottoms sermon.

Pizza delivery without a phone call

Pizza joints expect a 100% increase in business this Sunday because it's SUPERBOWL SUNDAY! Great. The usual 45 minute wait will extend to 90 minutes or more. I'm tired of the whole pizza delivery process. It's time for something new. How about flags we place in our yards? Cars full of hot pizzas drive around subdivisions looking for the flags. If you fly 2 cheese flags and a pepperoni flag, they'll know you want a pepperoni with double cheese. They just ring the doorbell. Load the cars with hundreds of pizzas. Make them trucks with portable ovens. Don't like the idea? OK. How about you place a GPS device in your yard that Pizza Hut picks up from the orbiting Pizza Hut Satellite. You encode your order into the little onboard PC. Pizza Hut instantly knows your order because your address and order will instantly pop up on a screen the moment you put the device in the yard. Don't like that one? OK. Here's my best idea. PIZZA TRUCKS. Like Ice Cream trucks, but with Pizza. Mobile pizza chefs on the road playing loud Italian music from speakers on top. When you hear the Pizza Truck, you simply scream, "PIZZA TRUCK! MOM! PIZZA TRUCK!!!" She'll give you a twenty and you run into the yard. You make the pizza transaction right in your driveway. Hot, fresh, delicious & you don't even have to have a phone. Let the timestamp on this post be evidence of this MILLION DOLLAR IDEA - in case one of you steal this concept before I get it off the ground.

Kellie's Drug test (See Post below)

Kellie’s urine test February 1, 2006

*Antecetemenophen, Aspirin & Caffeine (Excedrin)
*FD&C Red #7 & Aspartame (Diet Dr. Pepper)
*Vanilla Root extract (French Vanilla Folgers)
*High Fructose Corn Syrup & FD&C Yellow #5 (French Salad Dressing)
*Cocoa, refined sugar & Peanuts (Peanut M & M’s & Reeses Peanut Butter Cups)
*Magnesium (Banana’s)
*Urine

Hair Follicle result:
Test inconclusive because of high amounts of Blonde hair color.