Katharine McPhee in panties

This is charming. This is the new ad for Katharine McPhee's single "Over It". Observe the red dress that's split open revealing her red panties. Maybe a great ad for lingerie, but for a record? Isn't she a great singer? I guess not, she has to show us her panties so we'll buy her music.

American Idol has a wholesome image. It's part of the ratings success. Make no mistake, much of the now estimated $2.5 Billion American Idol street value - can be attributed to sheer wholesomeness. When contestants "go too far" with their dress on the show - they are immediately "corrected" by Simon. Remember Christina Aguliera early on? Her shelf life was limited as a pop-slut - she cleaned up and is still white hot. How about Gwen Stefani? Same thing. She began wearing clothes again - and her career continues. Britney, on the other hand, didn't get the memo - and is tanking.

Katharine McPhee began her "career" as a wholesome pop princess. Immediately her record company offers bad advice. Sure, Katharine in panties may sell a few more CD's - but in time this image will haunt her. She'd have been better off to insist on letting her dress drape naturally - and "cover the goods."

This transparent record company schnizz - has been going on for decades. The artists that had staying power put their clothes back on right away. I never again saw a Carly Simon nipple - after the No Secrets album cover.

I'm gonna take the dog pills.

New data suggests that 30% of American DOGS are overweight. O.K. I "buy" those numbers. 30% sounds reasonable. I've seen the "diet" dog food on sale at the store. I didn't buy it - I have a cat - a really fat cat. I might have bought diet cat food had I seen it - I simply didn't - my cat seems happy the way she is - bloated and looking like Gil Gerrard.

Point it: Pfizer has just been blessed by the FDA for SLENTROL. This is a fat dog pill. SLENTROL will apparently help Bowser absorb fat and reduce his appetite. Bowser in turn, will watch with amazement as the fat just "falls off."

Look the the television ads for SLENTROL to commence any day. They'll look like all the drug ads, but these will end differently.

"Have your dog ask it's Veterinarian if SLENTROL is right for him."

or- "Ask your dogs Veterinarian if SLENTROL is right for your non speaking dog." or- Being that you're fatter than your dog, "Ask your dogs veterinarian, if you might be able to benefit from SLENTROL." or- Ask your Veterinarian AND your Doctor who & what might be able to take this dog pill SLENTROL." or- Ask your fat Doctor "If he'd take it."

I'm giving it to my cat and I'm not asking anyone. Then, I'll pop a couple. What the hell?

Final: Geraldo 100 / Olbermann 0

So here's one I missed over the holidays -- Geraldo Rivera in Orlando threatening to beat up Keith Olbermann.

Geraldo was visiting with an Orlando morning radio show just before Christmas, when they asked him about the time he made international headlines for disclosing information about troops in Iraq. Geraldo says the incident was blown out of proportion, largely Olbermann. Geraldo then began mumbling semi-audible names, seemingly meant to describe Olbermann: "midget ... punk ... slimeball."

Then, with prodding, Geraldo went further, leaving no doubt about what he was saying. He called Olbermann a coward -- specifically a "pussy" who wouldn't walk across the street against the red light."

He then said he was ready to fight him, saying: "I would make a pizza out of him."

Before leaving the topic, Geraldo offered an example of a TV talker who's a "real man" ... Montel Williams.

Geraldo has his "moments" - but I like him (as the song goes) - "More Today than Yesterday."

Shirtless Obama

Here ya go. Barack at the beach. This appears in the new People magazine - the one with Oprah on the cover. A quote from the dude that works out next to Obama in Chicago and followed him into the locker-room dated January 2006: "He doesn't have enough fat on his body to make a butter pat." It would appear that 2006 was a good year for Obama - evidenced by the 1000 "butter pats" he has now. Barack insists he's "embarased by the pictures." Why? He looks healthy to me. The embarasment will come later - after years in public office. When, after years and years of the public "high life" he'll begin to sag. The man most think looks "Statesman-like" , will droop, wiggle & waddle.

Much like my friend Senator Ted Kennedy.

How to exit a Limousine

Pop star CHRISTINA AGUILERA gets a lot of crap—some of it, deservedly so. But unlike certain celebs we could name, at least Christina knows how to exit a limousine wearing a short skirt. And unless you want to be on every website in the world, you would be wise to follow “Christina’s Step-by-Step Method of Keeping that Vagina Covered.” Observe…














STEP ONE: Realize There’s a Problem. In this case, Christina quickly identifies the 37 paparazzi standing outside her car door, pointing long lens cameras directly at her.















STEP TWO: Secure the Load. As you can see, Christina deftly reaches back with her left hand to secure her skirt in place as she slides across the car seat. Neglecting to do so will almost assuredly “hike” the skirt, leaving one’s vagina precariously exposed to the elements. HOWEVER! Also note how she discreetly twists her right toe inwards. This is clearly a set up for…













STEP THREE: The Dismount. Right toe turned in, Christina then SWIVELS HER LEFT KNEE TO THE RIGHT, cutting off any possible visual route to her vagina. Meanwhile, her left hand steadies her exit, while her right slides her skirt back into its correct position.
BEAUTIFULLY DONE, CHRISTINA. I score that one a 9.7.

And now, Bri Wisdom. First in a series.

* Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
* It's a small world so you have to use your elbows alot.
* If marriages were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
* Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day.
* Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
* Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
* Money does grow on trees. It's just that the banks own all the branches.
* Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
* If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
* Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
* If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
* You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
* Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
* Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
* In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
* The quickest way to have a family reunion is to win the lottery.
* It is said that man's ability to reason is what separates him from mere animals. Then again,
the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship wrestling."
* Ladies, if you're looking for the perfect date, think Mr. Potato Head. He's tan, he's cute and if
he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.
* If you're looking for the perfect dog, get a lab/pit bull mix. Sure, he might bite off your leg,
but he'll bring it back to you.
* Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is never having a chance to say anything.
* Babies are nature's way of showing people what the world looks like at two o'clock in the
morning.
* The minute you find a way to make something idiot-proof, someone will go and make a
better idiot.
* A transvestite is a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
* Adults are just kids who owe money.
* The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
* There are three major parties in America today...Republican, Democratic and Tupperware.
* Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't
gotten used to his bifocals.
* If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
* You know you're in trouble when you tell your doctor your symptoms and he starts backing
away.
* Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
* If all the smokers were laid down end to end around the world...three quarters of them
would drown.
* Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turnout okay.
* Give a man twenty dollars and he eats for a day. Teach a man how to make a twenty dollar
bill and he eats for three to five years, with time off for good behavior.
* A straight line is the shortest distance between a baby and something breakable.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* Carpe diem...seize the day. Carp in denim...there's a fish in my pants.
* The easiest way to find something is to buy a replacement.
* There are two secrets of success. Number one, don't share all your secrets.
* It's amazing what you can do when your wife puts your mind to it.

Chinese Law of Abundance

I came upon the law of abundance over 10 years ago. The way it was explained to me was, this was a 2000 year old ancient Chinese tradition to guarantee prosperity in the new year - adapted to modern methodology.

We are to take a blank check. Date it with the current date. Make the check out to you - using your full legal name. Leave the amount box & the amount line blank.

On the memo line write, "paid in full." Sign the check, "Law of Abundance."

Accomplish this task before the first new moon in a new year. (This year it's January 19th) Then, keep the check in your purse of wallet at all times. This check will then bring you prosperity.

I have followed this procedure for 10 years now, and instructed my listeners to do the same. Each year, I get calls from listeners who've come into money - and insist it was the check they'd written that brought about the good fortune.

I've had calls from people inheriting money from people they didn't even know. I've had the lottery winners and the gambling winners. Literally thousands of my listeners do this quirky thing each year.

Now, news from experts that we may be doing it wrong. Thinking now is, we shouldn't date the check at all - (why limit your abundance to a single day?) AND: Instead of completing the check before the first new moon, we should complete it within 24 hours of the new moon. (That means January, 18, 19 or 20.) PLUS: You don't necessarily have to keep the check with you - but simply keep it in a safe place.

I'm not sure which way to go here. I'll fill out two checks.

I gave up on Best Buy and you should too.

Read. Read all you can. The information is out there. Read, and you'll never step inside a Best Buy ever again.

Great story recently about a man who bought a Tony Bennett CD. He took it outside and placed it in his car stereo. The CD was defective. He walked back inside with receipt in hand and asked for a refund. He was told that was impossible. He asked to speak with management and Best Buy called 911. Not one, but two cars with officers respond to embarrass the customer.

There's the story about the woman who bought the Sony camcorder and the box contained pasta sauce. Best Buy wouldn't resolve the situation - Sony stepped in to remedy things and stop the bad press.

There's the man who bought a car stereo and was told installation was free. Upon installation, and he met "free installation criteria" - he was told of a charge. he refused, and cops were called.

I had a similar situation years ago. My wife bought me a pair of expensive headphones, that were one model number away from the ones I really wanted. Best Buy didn't sell the model I wanted, and refused to refund the money. That day, I decided to never shop Best Buy again. I've held true to that commitment.

Best Buy isn't the Best Buy anyway. They should be re-named "Best Selection" - but I want a Best Buy - and I find that elsewhere.

The way this company treats customers is outrageous. It's time they get a wake up call.

Read. Search out the company complaints. These guys have run amok.

The ego maniacal, loud mouth, tyrant is gone. I have Iraqi friends. We're in agreement, this is a (to borrow from Martha Stewart) "Good Thing."

President Bush is a Hero

President George W. Bush, vilified by many, supported by some, is a hero to me.

Why do I say that? It's not because I agree with the President's domestic agenda. It's not because I think he's done a perfect job in the White House.

George Bush is a hero to me because he has courage. The President does what he believes to be in the best interest of the United States. He sticks with his beliefs, no matter how intense the criticism and invective that are directed against him every day.

The enormous defeat President Bush suffered with the loss of both Houses of Congress has not caused him to retreat from his position that the U.S. alone now stands between a radical Islamic takeover of many of the world's governments in the next 30 or more years. If that takeover occurs, we will suffer an enslavement that will threaten our personal freedoms and take much of the world back into the Dark Ages.

Our major ally in this war against the forces of darkness, Great Britain, is still being led by an outstanding prime minister, Tony Blair. However, Blair will soon be set out to pasture, which means Great Britain will leave our side and join France, Germany, Spain and other countries that foolishly believe they can tame the wolf at the door and convert it into a domestic pet that will live in peace with them.

These dreamers naively believe that if we feed the wolves what they demand, they will go away. But that won't happen. Appeasement never works. The wolves always come back for more and more, and when we have nothing left to give, they come for us.

This is what I and many of you believe, but these are the words of former New York Mayor, Ed Koch 12/28/06 on realclearpolitics.com.

I made the news today

I took over a TV station today. It created quite a scene. I apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused. I'll go back to the faceless radio where I belong.

This is what I want.

What do I want for Christmas? I've told my people what I want. Several items. Several times this year - I've more than dropped a few hints. I don't think anyone was listening. I'm at that point I'm gonna get what I get - and what I want is beside the point. I'm OK with that. I have to be. This is a fact of life. There comes a time - there is nothing you can do - that you barely "get"anything at all. I surrender to the "gift giver", and will be pleased with anything.

This doesn't stop me though from dropping one last hint for anyone in my family reading this.

Where are all the chestnuts?

Chestnuts roasting by an open fire. I've had the fire, never a chestnut. Not even once. Roasted? Nope. I've never heard them, "pop, pop, pop." It appears chestnuts are a regional thing - mostly the East coast. Maybe that's why I haven't had a chestnut. I don't know much about chestnuts really. I know they are grown on trees and shrubs. I hear that they smell bad. Europeans and Asians eat more chestnuts than Americans. The American chestnut has nearly vanished because of disease. The trees & shrubs suffered a "blight." Awwwwww.

Nevertheless, if you get a chestnut and are hell-bent on roasting it, make sure you cut a slit in the top of each individual nut - because they don't "pop" - they are known to EXPLODE. Experts say 200-220 degrees for about 15 minutes in a shallow pan oughta do it.

Now, about Jack Frost nipping at my nose. It's not my nose he nips at - it's lower - lower - right there. That's where I am "nipped."

Grand Canyon to get glass bottom view.

An Indian tribe is luring tourists out over the edge of the Grand Canyon on a glass-bottom observation deck 4,000 feet above the Colorado River, (toss cookies.) It’s called the Skywalk, a horseshoe-shaped walkway that will jut from the canyon’s lip and offer a straight-down, (barf).... vertigo-inducing view, (puke.)

The $30 million Skywalk, (upchuck) is financed by a Las Vegas businessman, (pray to the porcelin God) and set to open in March, (blow lunch) It's also started a debate among Hualapai elders who question whether making money is worth disturbing sacred ground, (spew.) The Hualapai believe their ancestors emerged from the earth of the Grand Canyon, (heave) and the area surrounding the project is scattered with the tribe’s sacred archaeological and burial sites, (vomit.)

SCIENTISTS SAY SANTA CAN DO IT IN ONE NIGHT

Scientists claimed to have proven that Santa’s journey to all the world’s children in one night IS possible. According to Larry Silverberg, a professor of mechanical and aerospace engineering at North Carolina State University - Santa gets the job done using electromagnetic waves, computer science, nanotechnology, genetic engineering and the space-time continuum.

His journey is helped out by a “relativity cloud” — based on Einstein’s discovery that time can be stretched and space squeezed. The scientist says, “Rips in time allow Santa months to deliver presents while only minutes pass on Earth.”

An on-board SatNav prepares a detailed route, while the sleigh is pulled by reindeer genetically bred to fly and balance on rooftops. There are no weight problems as the toys are built only when Santa reaches each child’s home, using a nano-toymaker to create them from soot.

So - “Santa’s trip is possible and based on plausible science.”

That oughta shut up the nay sayers.

Santa hangs.

Bah Humbug! A Canadian man has upset some people, after he put an effigy of Santa Claus on a cross on his front lawn to make a statement about the orgy of consumption in the modern world. Above Santa's head, the man has inscribed the words 'Sumptum Fac Donec Consumptus Sis.' Roughly translated, it means 'Shop till you drop.'

The man (Jimmy Wright) says, "Santa represents frivolous consumption. That's all he is. He shot Jesus right out of the saddle. He's the focus of Christmas."

Be glad you don't live next door to this twerp.

Santa makes kids cry!

It's that special time of the year. Time to drag the kids to the mall and place them on Santas lap! Kids love Santa - can't you tell? Kids love being placed on a strange mans lap. The proof is right here. Look at the joy in their screaming faces as they yell with glee. I've heard from mall Santas. They complain of being coughed & sneezed on. Today I got a letter from a Santa complaining of being peed on. Apparently this happens often. Next time you drag your kid to the mall for the Santa visit, consider the trauma you may be putting this poor kid through. "Waaaaaaaahhhhh." "Shut Up kid - it's SANTA!!!"

Phil Spectors' hair about to go on trial.

This is comedy. Pure comedy. Not that someone died at Phil Spectors' house - but Phil Spector himself. Look at this man.

Lana Clarkson, an actress wound up dead - shot to death in Spectors' California mansion in 2003. The legal wrangling has continued since - with Phil free on bond. The trial is set to begin in March. This will be a media spectacle "who-done-it." I won't speculate here on his guilt or innocence. What I will say is, "What is the deal with his hair!!!!!!??"

THIS IS A TOUPEE. I kid you not. Phil Spector is bald as a door-knob. He wears this basketball sized thing on his head day & night. Yes. He wears this to bed. Ronnie Spector, his ex-wife, reports that she's NEVER seen him without it - and they were married six years!!!!! A toupee is one thing, this contraption is something else entirely. If I were Spectors' lawyer, my first advice would be, "Lose the hair." A jury will decide this mans guilt or innocence based on among other things, his grip on reality. Phil has obviously, "lost his grip."

Ameren customers are not this happy.

What's wrong with this picture. This is from the Ameren Power company website. This is a woman calling Ameren to report a problem with service. She looks so pleased that someone answered. She's obviously grateful to make it through the busy signals. So what is her problem? This woman has power. Look! She has lights and is using her laptop! Her hair looks nice. She's used a hairdryer and had a hot shower. I can tell. It appears to be over 40 degrees in her kitchen. This is another sign this photo is staged. Ameren reports nearly 500,000 people without power after the Midwest snow & ice storms. The website should reflect the reality of it all. The picture on the website should be that of a frozen blue-lipped, limp-haired, tired, hungry, customer needing a shower.

Your tongue is stuck - not mine.

What is it with people that stick their tongues on ice cold metal? Is it that they don't believe they'll get stuck? With the nations mid-section gripped with cold weather, there are stories everyday of people of all ages becoming stuck and requiring rescue. A girl in Springfield Missouri just yesterday became stuck, and when kids ran to get her parents, the parents arrived with hot water and a camera. This is what you need to rescue a tongue sticker. Remember the camera - you'll want to re-live the moment of stupidity for the rest of your life. What the world needs is a Teflon coated non stick flagpole. Or, as in the case of the dude at the left, a Teflon coated non stick railing.

Weathermen are full of it.

I know I'm part of the problem. I too, broadcast weather forecasts. I'm not professionally trained. I don't have an AMA seal or a NOAA seal - or even like seals (as in Sea World.) I mostly rely on the Weather Channel & Weather Service forecasts. Often, they're different. On those days, I split the difference and "my" forecast becomes a meld of the two. Sometimes, I'll check Accuweather - and my forecast will be a consensus of three forecasts.

The forecast for my area today is snow & ice. One forecast says 6-12 inches. One says, 8-12 & one says 10-20 inches!!! Everyone agrees we'll have ice before the snow event. Take my word for it - even with those dire predictions of snow, there is a 50% chance - we'll get considerably less. There have been days I cried "Snow" - and it didn't manage even a flurry. There have been days I predicted sunshine - and it snowed 9 inches. On those days I feel as if I've misled people. I get discouraged, and wonder, "Maybe I should have looked at just two more forecasts and broadcast the sum of five forecasts."

Don't let your weatherman or the latest Doppler technology fool you. You're as likely as anyone to know what the weather is going to do - if you stick your head out a window.

Make your kids believers in Santa

Wanna convince your kids there REALLY IS A SANTA CLAUS?? I know how. I've done it. I had my son believing until he was 13 - I so completely convinced him. Here's how step by step.
What you need: 1, Two walkie talkies. Don't use a phone - or cheapo $10 toy walkie talkies. 2, A friend with a car that has a car stereo. 3, A sound effect of wind that will play on your friends car stereo. That's it.

In the days leading up to Christmas announce that you have special information about Santa flying over your house. You also have info of Santas' special frequency in which to raise Santa with your Walkie talkies. At a pre determined time, have your friend park down the street. Have them BLAST the wind sound effect on their car stereo at a high volume. Make the sound effect long, as you have no idea how long the conversation might last. Key the mic and ask for Santa. What comes out the little speaker will blow your mind. The wind effect alone will sell this bit, as it'll be hard to hear Santa over the noise - making it impossible to recognize who Santa might be. Put your kids on with Santa and tell them their time is limited. Instruct Santa to drive away after about 3 minutes. His signal will become more faint as he drives - as if he's really flying over. Eventually you won't be able to hear Santa at all - but your kids will believe with complete certainty that they have in fact actually spoken with the jolly old elf.

Dora looks like, well, ya know.

What do you suppose Dora will explore with this? Christ! Didn't the designers step look back and see what they'd created?

Meet the Dora Aquapet from Wild Planet Toys
Features include:
~~ Interactive pet - fun for all!
~~ Interacts with you and other Aquapets!
How fun.

"Honey stop playing with your aquapet. Honey? Honey? HONEY!!!!!"

Where's the voter fraud?

Before the mid term elections - the Liberal left was screaming the Republicans were going to steal the elections by manipulating electronic voting. The consensus was, and I say consensus because, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, ABC, CBS and even HBO reported how easy it was to alter results on Diebold voting machines. The stories were nightly right up to and including election day. The case was being made ahead of time that if the elections went the Republicans way, Diebold machines and underhanded Republicans were to blame. You no doubt, saw the stories. The Dems were accusing the Republicans of cheating before the fact. That's not entirely true, the Dems have been crying foul for years - accusing anyone who'd listen that they were being slighted.

Behold. The Democrats sweep. Two stories are blatantly missing from national media. #1, the Republicans crying voter fraud. #2, The Democrats saying anything at all. SHHHHH. The election went our way, maybe we oughta shut up. If there was any fraud in 2000 or 2004 - how would Republican vote hackers allow what happened - to happen? That's my point. If Republicans were prone to stealing elections, November 7th would have been a good time to keep with tradition.

My three favorite Bond characters

Bond is back in the new Casino Royale. Remember the original Casino Royale? Over 30 years ago. Look it up. This brings me to my three favorite Bond characters. Everyone argues about "The best Bond." They're all good. It's the supporting cast that make the movies good for me. Thousands have appeared in Bond movies. After careful consideration, I have selected my top three Non Bond characters ever. I don't know why these three stuck with me all these years, but I always root for these three. Unfortunately, Bond killed them all.


Charles Gray, the Best Blofeld. There have been many Blofelds. Telly Savalas & Donald Pleasance come to mind. This Blofeld makes you want to shoot him in the forehead with a rock climbing rope shooting gun.




Peter Franks about to eat it in Diamonds are Forever. He really gives Bond a run for his money, but in the end - as always - dies. Bond stole this mans identity before anyone knew what identity theft was. AND killed him. I think Franks got a raw deal.



The ugliest Russian woman ever. In all Bond Movies. Not all Russian women look like this. Don't you think that maybe this woman was a way to "stick it to" the Russians during the cold war? Her parody is in the Austin Powers movies. Still ugly.

Mexican Thanksgiving

Turkey. Dressing. Green bean casserole. Please. For the love of God and all things Holy - can't we begin to mix it up? I want Mexican. What's wrong with Thanksgiving tacos? How about Burritos? I love nachos. Isn't this holiday all about family? Of course it is. If the fam is in place, no meal should be off limits. Do it right though. Warm the tortillas. Shred your own cheese. make fresh guacamole. Make homemade salsa. Don't forget the re-fried beans & sour cream.

Get with this Mexican program people. You'll define the holiday in a most unique way - as unique as the people that make up your family. Why are we in lock step with this turkey "tradition?" Hell, the Pilgrims didn't even have turkey - they ate eel. Does Butterball have an eel?

When everyone shows up for your Mexican Fiesta Thanksgiving - they may at first be taken aback - but I guarantee they'll talk about the moment all year long - until next Thanksgiving - when you get around to serving eel.

The end of Newspapers?

Not my prediction. Experts in the newspaper business say that newspapers - as we know them - may be done in 5 years! Circulation is down everywhere. Americans are now getting the news they read - online. Papers are expected to offer their stories online for free. The days of the printed paper on the doorstep appear to be numbered. Who saw this coming? Newspapers, even in secondary markets have been traditional moneymakers. Tens of millions in ad revenue easily - because rarely does a market have more than one paper. If an advertiser wanted to see their name in print - they had to pay whatever the paper asked. Now, just a few years after the advent of the Internet - papers are reporting dwindling profits. The cash cow days appear to be over. Newspapers are for sale. In my city - our 175 year old newspaper is for sale. Why not? It'll never be worth more than it is today. Next week it'll be worth less.

In my 30 years in the radio business, my stations have always had to compete with other broadcast companies for ad revenue. Newspapers mostly had the print media ad revenue all to themselves. Now, that the media itself is dying - it's time for newspapers to re-invent themselves.

A hard copy - paper paper - is important. It's an archive of time. Papers are a hands on record.
This tradition must continue - but at a cost. Newspapers must embrace the Internet & sell ad space online. Newspapers must do the same things the record companies are facing. ADDED VALUE. More inserts. Better artwork. Freebies. Don't laden me with 5 pounds of newsprint containing your advertisements. Laden me with 5 pounds of value. Cut back on your advertising - like radio had to do to compete. Make your paper better. This is the only way for the newspaper business to survive. The clock is ticking. Your own experts give you 5 years.

8000 Calorie Burger

What can I say? Get me to Tempe Arizona and the HEART ATTACK GRILL (yes, that's the name) - for the QUADRUPLE BYPASS BURGER (yes, that's the name.)

8000 calories of goodness, served by a waitress dressed like a nurse. Upon eating it, you're rolled to your car in a wheelchair.

The restaurants slogan? "The taste worth dying for."
(Yes, that's the slogan.)

44 west to 40 west to 17 south. Go there now.

Asleep on the job.

This is the scene at NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center. Behold the Payload Operations Center, which manages the science operations of the international space station. I've had it with the private sector. Get me a Government gig!

Did I become a Democrat or what?

I am an overly optimistic person. I awaken each day believing it will be a nice day. Every day can't of course, be a nice day - some days are crappy days. Politically, yesterday was a crappy day. But, me with my eager outlook, woke up today in a good mood. I felt rested, laughed at it all this morning - and suddenly realized I may have a problem. Was my mood possibly associated with my subconsciously switching parties last night? Have I become a Democrat? I do like winners after all. Maybe, watching the returns last night, the moment it looked like the Dems were gonna take the House, I mentally switched parties! Maybe I so badly wanted to be on the winning team, I switched sides! My God - what will my family think? My deceased Grandmother raised me to be a staunch Republican since birth. The political leanings of my family are actually a little right of the John Birch Society - we just don't carry guns. What will my Mother think? I will no longer be able to talk to my father. My brothers will resent me. My oldest son will stop coming over. I thought I hated Nancy Pelosi. Maybe I was wrong all along and had been brainwashed - last night coming to my senses!!! Will I vote for Hillary or Obama in two years? Will I finally see something redeeming in Ted Kennedy? And Al Gore & John Kerry - Oh Gore & Kerry - will I now see their unique point of view?

This feeling though quickly passed. I realized it was simply a sunny beautiful day in November that was causing me to be in a good mood. Then, upon reflecting on the Democratic wins last night, I developed acid reflux.

Election Day. John Kerry tells more jokes.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, but 15 if the blondes are some of our nation's farmers.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Interrupting Politician who accidentally insults constituents!
Interrupting Politician who accidentally insults const—
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE LAZY!

Last night I had this dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up, my pillow was gone! I'm thinking it was probably stolen by a WWII veteran and sold for drugs.

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “Get out. God is dead and religion is the opiate of the masses.”

Q: How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?
A: By the footprints in the ashes of 911 victims. I mean, 911 victims' pizza. Wait a second. Just pizza.

Q: What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A: A teacher who gives blood tests, but remains employed due to the strength of corrupt unions.

Take my wife, please. Seriously, women are useless.

Three men are stranded on an island when they find an old lamp. They rub it. Suddenly, a genie appears and offers to grant them each one wish. The first man wishes to be off the island and, poof, he's gone. The second man wishes to be off the island, and poof, he's gone. The third man says, “Gee, I'm really lonely. I wish the Jews wouldn't start all the wars in the world.”

A waiter brings a restaurant patron a bowl of soup. The patron notices a fly and says, “Hey, there's a fly in my soup.” The waiter replies, “Yes. Unfortunately our chef is Latino.”

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To head into the army recruiting office so he could fight in Iraq. Oh, wait. I told that wrong. I forgot to say the chicken was retarded.

$2 bills are back!

The $2 bill is back and no-one knows why. Banks are ordering more, and mints are printing more. The lowly $2 bill. Experts are really in a quandary why Americans are finally asking for, and using $2 bills. They've been around forever - used mostly in greeting cards from Grandma's. I gave them away to trick or treaters two years ago. The kids went nuts. Why now? The dollar coin flopped. More than once. Strippers. Gotta be strippers. Slipping dollar bills into garter belts no longer cuts it. Inflation demands that those tips for lap dances increase to $2. Nothing makes this stripper transaction easier than the $2 bill. Vending machines have to be next. Many machines already cost more than one dollar - so make the "bill sucker" accept "2's" - and voila - soda and change. On the retail level, workers are apparently "becoming comfortable with "2's." This of course, screws up cash registers with slots for everything but "2's." It looks like our society is opening up to "2's", and this a good thing - because we all know you can't buy jack with a one.

Google in 1999

This IS Google in 1999. All of it. This is the hardware that now OWNS the Internet just 7 years later.


2-Pentium II 300mhz, 512mb, five 9gb drives
2-Pentium II 300mhz, 512mb, four 9gb drives
4-PPC 604 333mhz, 512mb, eight 9gb drives
2-UltraSparc II 200mhz, 256mb, three 9gb drives, six 4gb drives
Disk expansion, eight 9gb drives
Disk expansion, ten 9gb drives

That's a total of:
1792 megabytes of memory
366 gigabytes of disk storage
2933 megahertz in 10 CPUs

Here is Google today.
Just an upgrade or two. Why didn't I think of this?

Pizza Cones. Pizza in a cone.

Remember this exchange from the movie "The Jerk?"

Marie: You live here? Oh, it’s nice. Did you decorate it?
Navin: Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup ‘o Pizza place before they tore it down.
Marie: Good pizza. (the two of them are eating pizza in a cup)
Navin: Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup ‘o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this.

We laughed because it was so stupid.

BEHOLD. THE PIZZA CONE.

Two companies are set to battle it out for your Pizza-cone business. KONO PIZZA & CRISPY CONES. KONO is already operational in New Zealand, Kuwait, Spain & Greece. CRISPY just opened in L.A..

I don't know what to think. I haven't eaten one - but I'm not ready to fork over the franchise fee just yet. Someday - maybe soon - this may be the way we eat pizza. It'll surely make eating pizza in the car possible. Maybe that's the inspiration. Grab extra napkins.

Where do you put the extra cheese?

I suggest they smother it in cheese, lettuce, tomato & special sauce. Then wrap it in a soft tortilla with a layer of re-fried beans. Then wrap that in a corn tortilla with a layer of Monterey Jack cheese. Then take a deep fried Gordita shell, smother it in Guacamole and wrap that around the outside. Then bake it in a corn husk filled with salsa. Then wrap it in a Parisian crepe, filled with egg, sausage & portabello mushrooms. Then roll it up in a blueberry pancake, dip it in batter and deep fry it until it's golden brown.

Elections in 4 days and I'm gonna blow!

I have so much on my mind - today - just bullet points.

On Election night, the networks plan to send two representatives each to a "quarantine room." This will be where all the exit polling data will be organized and scrutinized. Blackberry's & cell phones will not be allowed. The data will be released to the TV networks at the same time - so there will be no "Kerry is President" eggs on faces. The networks will be beside themselves waiting to declare that the Democrats have taken control of the House & the Senate. It won't happen - this post is timestamped.

The Simpsons "Tree House of Horror" Halloween episode is Sunday on FOX. Even the Simpsons get political - when they compare a bungled alien attack of Springfield to the U.S.'s invasion of Iraq. Doh!

Speculation today is that gas prices will jump right after the election. A former White House staffer (Clinton admin.) - points to the $32 million donated to Republicans and the $7 million donated to Democrats by the Oil Companies. The Oil Companies will want to recoup that cash after the election. Shit, this is the profit any weekday between 8am & Noon. Doh! - again.

And lastly - A Seattle school bus driver had stopped her bus for a Presidential motorcade to pass. The president waved at the students as he passed. The students waved back. The bus driver gave President Bush "the finger." A Congressman riding with the President contacted the bus company later - and the driver was fired. The only ADULT on the bus set a great example for the young minds on board. The company cites "unprofessional conduct." I'd say.

Down side is - my tax dollars will now go to this twerp - who'll likely retreat to the couch for a few months.

Proof of Media Bias

A new study found that network news coverage has favored Democratic candidates in the midterm election, and the page scandal involving former congressman Mark Foley has been the main story line, drawing almost as much coverage as Iraq and terrorism combined.

The analysis by the Center for Media and Public Affairs of midterm election stories aired on the ABC, CBS and NBC evening newscasts Sept. 5-Oct. 22. It found that 2006's coverage has been almost five times as heavy as in the 2002 midterm elections: 167 stories, compared with 35 four years ago.
The study found that three out of four evaluations of Democratic candidates' chances of winning were positive, compared with one out of eight for Republicans. Coverage has been dominated by two major themes: the effects of the Foley scandal, and the impact the Bush presidency is having on the party's congressional candidates. The Foley scandal produced 59 stories alone, compared with 33 on Iraq and 31 on terrorism/national security issues.

This is the theme of this mid-term election. If you "say it enough" - somebody may believe it. If ever there was legitimate proof of bias in media, this is it.

I for one, don't believe it. Judging from ratings for FOX news vs. CNN & MSNBC, most of America doesn't either.