Let's all be James Frey

I'm a radio guy. I began my career over 30 years ago with a 50,000 watt transmitter I rigged up in my bedroom. My station covered 29 counties and I had an audience of 1.5 million. My fondest memory was the time John Lennon pulled in the driveway. We talked, and he gave me a box of his latest album to give away. I went to college, got straight A's, and took my first commercial job doing nights at WABC New York. I spent my days hosting TV game shows, and washing Dick Clarks car. I went on to gigs in Chicago, Los Angeles & Sikeston Missouri. I stuck with radio even though NASA was pressing me to become an Astronaut. Doing morning shows meant free time in the afternoon, so I designed the worlds first minivan for Chrysler, and wrote computer code for Bill Gates leading to the development of the Windows operating system. My skills in the kitchen didn't go unnoticed and I often advised my friend Emeril Lagasse. I even came up with his signature "Bam!" My rock hard six pack abs were on display in the January 1997 Playgirl magazine. I always liked the taste of Colby & Jack cheese together - so I sold the concept of COJACK cheese to Kraft for $5. (I thought it would be selfish not to share this with the world.) Scholars point to my endorsement of Ronald Reagan in 1980 to "swinging the election in his favor." I'm a self taught Dentist and have given myself five root canals. I've competed in two Indy 500's. I advised Dave Thomas to make the burgers at Wendys - square. I swallowed four scrabble tiles by mistake, passed them through my body, and amazingly they spelled "poop." On 9/11 - I called the White House and said "I have a suspicious feeling about today." I was patched in to the President in Florida 10 minutes before the planes hit. George was too busy offering me a Supreme Court nomination to heed my warning.

I've lived an exciting life. I now do a little radio show to an audience of 35,000 a week - most unaware that I played a part in the development of quadrophonic FM - which was my only regret.