Tuesday, January 10, 2006
My funeral arrangements
I live with a woman obsessed with her funeral. She speaks of it almost daily. She's convinced she's going to die any minute. She wants all to know what to do with her body, what music to play, how to make the announcement & what picture to place in the paper. She has made her wishes known to me. In case I drop her "funeral ball", she has appointed a back-up. This is an almost daily ritual - discussing the details of this inevitable event. She has me thinking of MY funeral arrangements.
Since it's likely these posts will outlive me, I present for all to see - My wishes for MY funeral, should I get run over by a bread truck unexpectedly. These wishes were made with my being of sound mind and body, January 10, 2005.
I want a casket. Not right away, but eventually. I want to be placed in the ground in a casket. I want a service with my body displayed as I looked in life. I'm thinking something like "Weekend at Bernies". I want to be propped up in a recliner or sitting on a couch. Put sunglasses on me. Come sit next to me and speak to me as if I were still alive. Tell me you thought I was a great guy. Play rock music at my service. I want "We're an American Band" by Grand Funk Railroad playing as people walk into the service. I don't want any part of my service to be overly religious. I know I'm going to heaven. You aren't going to increase my chance of making it to heaven with prayer. This was in my hands in the way I lived my life, and I'm convinced beyond all doubt - I'll make it. Food. There's gotta be food. I want my step-son Jason to make meatballs. I have entrusted my secret recipe with Jason and am sure he'll be able to replicate them in every way. Clothes. Dress me in a button down collar starched dress shirt with the sleeves at three quarters. I want khakis and tassel loafers. Surely these were the clothes I died in. You may be able to display me in the exact same clothes. I have a will. Respect my wishes. Don't be surprised if you find I don't have much left to inherit. If I live long after retirement - I'll surely try to spend most of it.
That's about it. Khakis, Grand Funk, Shades & Meatballs. In death I'll be as easy to get along with as I was in life.