What the Hell is going on in the Middle East?

Iraq. Iran. Afghanistan. Libya. Israel. Pakistan. Lebanon. Syria. What the Hell? I've remained "intellectually dumb" about the Middle East all my life. I've had no interest in what goes on there. The camels, the covered women, the turbans, the whole lifestyle in sand doesn't appeal to me. I read hundreds of pages a day of news. When I see "Middle East" - my eyes scroll past it. I don't understand it - and have no real desire to. I trust my Government to "put a man on it" who DOES understand it. I know life there is bad. I know people are repressed. I know bombs are going off. I know the very fate of the world may lie in the decisions world leaders make in the next several weeks. Why am I still not interested? I don't wanna know. I lived through the Cuban missile crisis in youthful bliss - I choose to keep my head in the sand again. I'm more concerned that my steak is tender tonight. (It will be - it's marinating right now.)

I had a million dollar idea today. Assemble experts to write a book about the Middle East. Target the book at people like me - who have no real idea what's going on there. We could read this book and quickly figure out why all those people are so pissed off - and why they hate us so much. I even had the title. The title alone - would sell this book.

THE MIDDLE EAST FOR DUMMIES.

I'm too late. The books out already. Check Amazon dot com and see for yourself. Damn.

Hip-Hop’s Top Brand Name-drops

Billboard Magazine has released the following report on the top ten most mentioned name brands in music.

10. AK-47, 33 mentions

9. (tie) Cristal, 35 mentions

9. (tie) Louis Vuitton, 35 mentions

7. Chevrolet (really?), 40 mentions

6. Hennessy, 44 mentions

5. Rolls Royce, 46 mentions

4. Bentley, 51 mentions

3. Cadillac, 62 mentions

2. Nike, 63 mentions

1. Mercedes-Benz, 100 mentions

Not surprising to hear that athletic shoes, expensive booze, automatic weaponry and luxury cars were the most mentioned. Here's a list of the 10 LEAST mentioned brand names!

10. ITT Technical Institute

9. Fast Cash Check Cashing and Payday Loan Services

8. Barnes & Noble Booksellers

7. Schnucks

6. Harvard Law

5. US Welfare Program

4. Office Depot

3. Chia Pet

2. Relief Fund for Exploited South African Diamond Miners

1. Martha Stewart Home and Lifestyle Solutions

Cindy Sheehan is an idiot.

Cindy Sheehan began her hunger strike today to protest the war in Iraq. I won't waste anyones time explaining who she is.

Cindy Sheehan is an idiot. I'm sorry for her loss. She is a misguided tool. She initially said she'd fast until Sept. 21, International Peace Day. Now it's being called a "rolling fast" - whatever that is.

She's been joined by Susan Sarandon & Sean Penn outside the White House.

No doubt they prepared for the fast at Olive Garden last night. I bet it was "All you can eat Pasta Bowls" all around. Fill up on salad and bread sticks and you might be able to make it for 10 weeks.

Sheehan is desperate for attention. The media had already tired of her story. Sure, she'll get some press - but not nearly the press she got months ago. Her 15 minutes are up. Her next 15 minutes will begin when she dies in the street in front of the White House from starvation. But that won't happen will it? Surely when she begins to look haggard - a White House staffer will offer her a shrimp cocktail - (they always have a few left over from lunch.)

None of these Bozos will have the resolve to accomplish the mission they've set out on. They're doing it for the cameras. When the cameras go home - and they will quickly - their "statement" becomes moot. It's cheap, weak & classless. It's so thin it's invisible.

Downside is, she won't starve herself - and what's "up her sleeve" next time? May I suggest - streaking? Yep, that's the ticket. Streak a news conference in the Rose Garden. It'd be true to form. Maybe more would conclude what I did a long time ago.

Cindy Sheehan is an idiot.

Superman is scary

Is there anyone getting more press than Superman right now?

Here is why you should hate or fear Superman.

1. The cape and tights. This one is too easy, but just in case you hadn't noticed, "The Big S" parades around in red tightie-whities - pulled up over blue tights - with a cape on. There aren't enough gay jokes to even begin to fairly ridicule the costume Superman wears. Not to mention, he has to have around eighty of these outfits because he has never once been spotted doing laundry.

2. He will steal your woman. Jimmy Olsen taught us one thing – Superman might steal your Girlfriend. Who's to say that your woman is safe?

3. Who died and made him decider of good and evil? Do you find it unbelievable that every single person pummeled by Superman is sinister enough to deserve the beating Superman doles out? Superman could abuse his power whenever he wanted. Being a symbol of justice can get to a guy's head pretty fast. Just because someone makes fun of somebody else's cape and tights doesn't mean they should get the living bajesus beat out of them.

4. He shoots laser beams out of his eyes! It's a nifty trick if you need to fry an egg or cut diamonds, but otherwise not so practical. If you find yourself staring longingly into Superman's eyes: A. You are probably wearing tights and a cape too, or B. You are seconds away from getting your retinas burnt out.

5. He has strange allergies. Like that kid who lived down the street in elementary school and had six inhalers, Superman is not human. But unlike your unfortunate neighbor, he didn't develop diabetes at the age of 6, nor is he allergic to bees, chocolate, and bullies. He has a unique - (meaning completely sissy) allergy to green rocks. "Emeralds?" you might ask. No. "Plutonium?" Not quite. "What foul creation could it possibly be?" Well, I'll tell you. The all mighty Superman gets the heeby jeebies every time he comes in contact with Kryptonite.

6. He can see through your wifes shirt. What kind of guy gets to see any woman he wants naked - and not have the women get mad about it? The chicks know he has X-Ray vision, but they see that cape and tights and know he's not a threat. This is also unfair because I’ve never been able to see what's under my wifes shirt.

7. He is super adopted. Not only adopted, but adopted from another planet. Did the teasing ever stop when he was a child? It feels terrible hearing that your parent's found you at the zoo, but hearing that they found you in a meteor from outer space? That has to be detrimental. Maybe that's why he still wears Superman pajamas.

Don't tell me not to drink from the hose.

Now I'm being told it's dangerous to drink from a hose.

The following from a Government release:
WHEN I'M WORKING IN THE YARD, I'M TEMPTED TO TAKE A DRINK FROM MY GARDEN HOSE. IS THIS SAFE?
No. A standard vinyl garden hose has substances in it to keep the hose flexible. These chemicals, which get into the water as it goes through the hose, are not good for you. They are not good for animals or pets, either, so filling drinking containers for them out of a garden hose is not a good idea unless the water is allowed to run a while to flush the hose before using the water. However, one type of hose on the market is made with a "food-grade" plastic that is approved by the US Food and Drug Administration and will not contaminate the water. Campers with recreational vehicles should use this type of hose when hooking up to a drinking water tap at a campsite. Check with a store that sells accessories for recreational vehicles. Even a well-flushed vinyl hose or a food-grade plastic hose can cause problems, however. The outside thread opening at the end could be covered with chemicals or germs from a previous use. Some children in Gainesville, Fla. became sick after filling water bottles from a hose that had been used to wash garbage cans. There is also the risk that chemicals or poisons can be sucked back into the hose, through backflow, and then re-released.

For the love of God and all things Holy - stop trying to keep me from killing myself. Frankly, I should be dead already. I've swallowed thousands of gallons of hose water. On a hot day, I consider the metallic, rubber taste of hose water - flavoring. The sweet flavor of memories. Hose water has a distinct taste. Hose water takes me back to baseball games and tag. Hose water reminds me of cutting my Grandmas' grass. Water the plants, fill the dog bowl and grab a sip. Spray the patio, wash the car and suck a swig.

Show me the data that concludes I'm at risk drinking from my hose. If I connect a bottle of insecticide to the hose, I wash it off. I'm not putting my lips to rogue hoses. I pretty much know the provenance of my hoses. I always blow the hot, stagnant water out before drinking.

I won't drink from paint cans. I won't drink from old gas cans. I won't wash out a varnish can and re-use it as a water glass. I won't serve ice cold hose water in old bug killer bottles.

If you're stupid enough to poison yourself with hose water - consider it "cleansing the herd" - of the weakest links.

Ban the Fireworks Ban

I can't believe I agree with John Kerry. John Kerry said, and I quote, "Americans have a right to be stupid!" He was defending our right to burn an American flag. I'm not going into that issue here - at the moment - but I'll quote Kerry here - as it pertains to an Americans right to shoot fireworks.

I live in a city that has essentially banned all fireworks. Fireworks of any kind - including smoke bombs, sparklers and those black snake things you set on the driveway. For the last several years my city required you apply for a display permit and register proof of a One Million Dollar insurance policy - if you intended to shoot off fireworks in your backyard. Some people actually did this - many didn't - and shot them anyway. On the 4th of July, in any neighborhood, you could hear firecrackers & bottlerockets. On the 5th of July my yard is typically scattered with the remnants of burned rockets and flying gadgets.

Here in Illinois, we border Missouri - which apparently has legalized explosives of any size. There are bombs equal to a quarter stick of dynamite for sale at roadside stands. Often, Illinoisians buy these contraband fireworks and smuggle them into the state. Make no mistake, I agree these fireworks are dangerous. Fingers are blown off every year. Fires are started. People lose their lives - but - "Americans have a right to be stupid!"

The days of an uncle lighting a trunkload of fireworks from a dangling cigarette - and screaming - RUN!!!!! - are over. Those were the days. My uncle was stupid, my parents were too. The cops were stupid to allow it. The city officials were out of their minds allowing the ruckus.

Each of them "Had the right to be stupid!" When will lawmakers realize they can't legislate brains?

Why it's important to wear a jock.

Ask Tyler Bennet from Colts Neck High School in New Jersey. Ty plays basketball for Colts Neck and had pictures of him playing ball published in the schools' yearbook. Ty was "hanging out" in a couple of the shots - exposed. No one really noticed, but Tyler sure did. Ty's certainly embarrassed. First off, no one noticed until he drew attention to it. Now the whole school has examined his genetalia. Apparently, you have to look closely, but once you do - make no mistake - Tylers there in all his Junior in High School glory. Tyler sued everyone. the school, the Principal, the yearbook advisor, the school board - Tyler demanded all the books be re-called. Tyler claims "emotional distress".

It gets better. The judge threw the case out saying, "It's not that big a deal". The judge suggests he take the case to "small claims court". It's a small little thing. The school was "short-sighted". The wee picture of the "wee" requires a magnifying glass to see it.

Geez. I see why this kid sued. I'd be embarrassed too. Of course, this would never happen to me - as it would be obvious to anyone during the screening process that "something was up with this picture!"

Saying "Ass" - on the radio

I heard a kid on the radio today say "Ass." In the course of one break on air, he said "Ass" three times. "Whoever" hanging out with your Ass. Get your Ass over to "wherever". Coming up for your Ass, I'm gonna play "whatever".

Good Lord man. Take it easy. Have you just discovered that you can say "Ass" on the radio and not get in trouble? Maybe you believe saying "Ass" gives you an "attitude" that listeners will find desirable. Maybe it's that saying "Ass" makes you "feel cool". Maybe you feel the people listening to you are "Asses". Maybe you've decided to speak exclusively to your audiences rear. I'm not sure. I continued listening. Less than 10 minutes later you spoke again and said "Ass" twice. "Boy, my ass is hot" & something about "getting my ass to do something".

Ass is a good word. I use it now and then too. I just don't make it a point to use it as frequently as "Assman."

Here's a hint for a young broadcaster. Go ahead - use Ass. Say it as much as you want. Two things will be accomplished. One - you'll drive audience to my "non-ass" saying station and Two - You'll make it clear who the Ass is......you.

When goin' to work - GET DRESSED.

I see it everyday. People at work - who are not dressed for work. It's pretty clear that when you're the Bank President, you - well, dress like a Bank President. It's all those little jobs underneath Bank President that seem to confuse so many. I work for a Radio Station. Generally, our company dress is casual. But everyday I see Beer logo t-shirts, shorts, sandals & pajamas. The PJ's came on the scene recently. It makes sense to me that if you come in contact with clients of your business, you need to make an effort to get dressed. By dressed, I mean - completely dressed. I'd love to wear flip flops to work. I'd love to wear a ball cap and running shorts, but I don't. At the very least I wear Khakis & a dress shirt. When the weathers extremely hot (or cold with snow) - I may wear jeans. If it's gonna be 90 degrees, I "may" opt for a tee shirt - but it's logo-less & clean. If I have any client contact scheduled, I'm dressed to represent my company.

I'm not griping about my company. Often when there's an employee wearing something offensive, they are told to leave & change. If you find yourself at work wearing pajama pants, flip flops and a Heavy Metal T-Shirt, you might wanna reconsider your clothing options. You'd probably agree that the well dressed employees make more money than you do. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the way you dress is why?

I worked with a kid a few years ago that dressed like a slob everyday. He had all the talent in the world, but it was hard to look past the piercings, tattoos & grease stained shirt. He's no longer with the company. He didn't know what hit him. I bet he feels he was treated unfairly - when it was he that treated his position and my company unfairly.

These underdressers are everywhere. They work in the businesses we frequent. You won't have to look hard to spot them. Be part of the solution and not part of the problem. If it's a weekday and you're reporting to work, for the love of GOD - put on some clothes. Your Mother will be proud.

Mariahs "Drink Holder"

Celebrities. To quote ABC's John Stossel, "Gimme a break!" It seems all celebrities these days have "Personal Assistants." These are people on the stars payroll that are assigned the tasks the celebrity doesn't want to do. There are hairstylists, dog walkers, trainers, baby sitters, maids, butlers & gardeners. The term Personal Assistant, covers alot of ground. It can mean almost anything. The jobs & tasks seem to be very specific. Jen Anniston has a woman on her payroll who does nothing but carry her packages when she's shopping. Apparently Jenn shops often enough to need a "package assistant." Many stars have their own baggage handlers. They're dropped at the airport by their drivers, meet with their personal pilots and have their baggage loaded by their "baggage people." I guess this gives the star someone to fire - if their baggage goes missing. I recall Oprah having a personal phone operator at her home. She doesn't trust answering machines. What kind of dough does that pay? For that matter, what does carrying Brangelinas diaper bag pay? I have many things I don't like to do. I could possibly afford an assistant or two. I want a garage assistant. I want a car wash assistant. Their jobs would be to organize my garage and keep my cars clean. These are full time jobs and I'll pay no more than $20k each. Apply in person. You better be one hell of a garage organizer and an avid car detailer.

I'm on this rant because of Mariah Carey. She's taken the Personal Assistant thing - to a new stratospheric level. Mariah has a "Personal Drink Holder." This person holds Mariahs drink - and places it to her lips when Mariah is thirsty. Think about it. Maybe it's not crazy. Thirst is a funny thing. It can come on in a moments notice. One second, you're OK. The next second - you're parched. With a "Drink assistant" - following you everywhere with a drink, all you'd have to do is give a pre-determined hand signal - and the drink is instantly on it's way. The straw is placed to your lips and you simply - suck. AAAAHH. That was refreshing - and not a moment too soon. I might have died of thirst.

How much does this "Drink specialist" make? Where do you train? You don't hire just anyone to hold your drink. You want an Ivy League trained Drink Holder. From what I understand, East Coast schools churn out almost professional drink holders every day. You'd want references. "So you "held" for Johnny Depp?" "Good." "Why are you no longer "holding" for Depp?" "We got into arguments over ice. I want clients to use crushed - and Johnny's a "cube man"."

Does the Holding job have benefits? Is there a Mariah health plan? What about sick days? Will Mariah have a back-up Drink Holder - or will it be the Drink Holders responsibility to hire and train "Holder Understudies."

Tickets are not selling well for this summers Mariah Carey concert tour. Shows and dates are being cancelled as we speak. I imagine the Drink Holder position is tenuous at best. When ya gota cut back - it's always the Drink Holder that gets it first. I bet if the Drink Holder gets fired - she'll be crushed. No she won't - Mariah is exclusively "cubes."

Knit me a Ferrarri

Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Why knit booties or gloves when you can knit a Ferrarri? Yep. It's a knitted Ferrarri. I have sock caps & scarves comin' out the wazoo. This is Lauren Porter - an art student - and obviously someone with time on her hands. This wool Ferrarri took 12 miles of thread.

Kinda makes those mittens you're working on look stupid.

Knit me a Yukon Denali XL next. Make it white.

My Chicken is Raw.

"My Chicken is Raw." This is what I hear each time I grill Chicken. "It's pink in the middle." This usually means I have to return the chicken to the grill to cook even longer. In my opinion, the chicken isn't pink - it's not undercooked in any way. I usually grill chicken for 45 minutes easily. Often I grill the daylights out of it - leaving not one drop of moisture in it. Even then - "This is raw!" I'm expected to serve my family hard, dry chicken - and I'm fed up.

Since I am the griller - you can call me "The Chicken-er." I serve chicken to "Chicken-ee's." Do Chicken-ee's have the right to criticize the Chicken-er? It's like looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm the one who sweated over the 500 degree grill. I'm the one who purchased the chicken, marinated it, trimmed the fat from it, lovingly turned it - and served it. The Chicken-ee's do nothing but sit and wait to be fed. Chicken-ee's should be respectful to Chicken-ers - taking into account all that's involved serving grilled chicken.

This is on my mind because I was just accused last night of serving an overdone steak. In this case I was the Steak-er - and the Steak-ee complained. "I like my steaks pink in the middle!"
Huh? This is too much information for a Grill-er to keep straight. You want hard, dry, overdone chicken, and semi-raw undercooked beef?

What about Pork? Fish? Write all these down and post at the grill please. The grill-er is weary of the complaints.

This Griller longs to be a Grill-ee. I want to be a Chicken-ee & a Steak-ee. I want to sit in the Air Conditioning and have others grill for me. I want the power to criticize what I'm served. This is the part that's easier said than done.

I'd just eat it. From raw to shoe leather - I'd be grateful someone cared about me enough to serve me.

Des Moines is obscene from the air.

To prevent flooding - the city of Des Moines Iowa built a "Retention Basin". It's 4 acres wide and cost about $5 million to build. What were the consultants & engineers thinking when they constructed this basin? What might have been on their mind? No one knew - until we got a look at it from above. Pretty racy - especially for Iowa.



Now here's a look at the proposed new Des Moines lakefront. There is no pricetag yet, but it's expected to be high. Really high.

Whitney Houston Commencement Address

COMMENCEMENT SPEECH, WHITNEY HOUSTON, EAST SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY, JUNE 9, 2006.

This is real.

"Thank y'all for coming to see me tonight. How are you doing? Let's get this party started, yeah! (Assistant whispers to Whitney.) Oh, oh right. What college is this? East Southern University. Well, hello, ESU. ESU, ESU, ESUUUUU (dances). Let me start by saying, I believe that children are our future ... (hums) ... lead the way ... show them all the beauty they possess inside ... shit it's hot. (Wipes brow and drops fur coat to the ground.) Why you having this shit outside, anyway? You never heard of air conditioning? Where's Bobby? Bobby? You know, I got to tell you a little secret. Just between you and me. (Leans over the podium.) The demons are after Bobby. I try to protect him now, 'cause he's my man, and you ain't mess with my lair, my family. 'Cause family is the most important thing in your life. You need to find a man that has your back, that will do anything for you, deal with your shit, literally, your black love. But what can I say? (Shakes head repeatedly.) Demons after him ... But, Bobby, baby, I just want you to know IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love yooooooooooouuuuu. (Assistant whispers to Whitney, points to note cards on podium.) All right, right now, don't you be bossing Whitney around. (Rummages through note cards.) Who got my glasses? Shit. (Tosses cards into air.) No one needs to tell me how to live life. I am Whitney Houston, baby. I can tell you all you need to know about being a success in life, 'cause I'm a diva. You know, they say everybody searching for a hero ... people need someone to look up to ... Well, let me tell you—I never found anyone to fulfill my needs ... so I learned to depend on me. You can't depend on nobody but yourself. Everybody is out to get you. The tabloids, the demons, the bitch ass at the Chinese place that always messes up my order. The only person I depend on to get through the day is God and Whitney. If you have God, if I have God, they can't take away our dignity! We'll have the greatest love of all. Inside of me. And let me tell you something else. You succeed in the world like I have, you don't do cheap shit, OK, Diane Sawyer? Crack is cheap. I make too much for me to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight, OK? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack. Stay in school, I tell you. You got to stay in school. (Assistant whispers to Whitney.) Right, right, right. OK, you out of school now. Well, use your education to be a lawyer or banker or teacher or something. I didn't need an education. God gave me a voice to sing, and when you have that, what other gimmick is there? So find your strength in love, baby. Where's Bobby? Bobby? Who's that in the front row—the demon with the black robes on? They're everywhere, hundreds of black-robed demons! Bobby, they coming for you! Get my gun out of the Lincoln, baby. (Knocks over podium, revealing pajama pants worn over a bathing suit.) Hold on, baby. God is on his way. He told me to hold on. He's on his way. Where's my pistol, goddamn it?!?"

Eeewwwww.

STATEMENT RELEASED BYWHITNEY HOUSTON ENTERPRISES, JUNE 10, 2006.

Because of the hectic demands placed on her by her performance at the 2006 Olympics back in February, Ms. Houston has been suffering from severe exhaustion and regrets that any part of her commencement speech at East Southern University was taken out of context. Ms. Houston believes that education is the greatest priority a young mind should have, and she is proud of the young men and women at ESU who made a commitment to education and saw it through. She wishes all recent graduates much success in the work force and hopes that her own perseverance and determination will serve as an inspiration to those who are in the midst of achieving their dreams.

A Radio Vet vents on new FCC fines.

The House on Wednesday overwhelmingly passed a bill that would raise the maximum fine for indecent broadcasts to $325,000 - ten times more than the current limit of $32,500. The same bill passed in the Senate, and it will now be sent to President Bush, who will likely sign it into law. Once that happens, broadcasters will face a bigger hit to the bottom line should they let a curse word or overly realistic sex scene onto their airwaves between the hours of 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.*

We can't inspect more than 5% of the containers entering U.S. ports, but by golly, we can keep America safe from curse words!

These fines are working out great. Notice how much more clean and decent the media's become in the last ten years? I think they should fine TV networks every time they put a new sitcom on the air about a fat guy and his hot wife.

Once again, I blame Janet Jackson's right breast.

What are the words we can't say? In my several decades speaking into a live broadcast microphone, I have never been presented a list of words I can't say. All I hear is, "You know what not to say!" I do? OK maybe I do - but what about those words that aren't so "black & white?" These are the "gray area" words - and where I'm most likely to slip up.

Here's how the lawyers sum it up. See if you can make anything of this.

To be obscene, material must meet a three-prong test:
The average person, applying contemporary community standards, must find that the material, as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest;
The material must depict or describe, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by applicable law; and
The material, taken as a whole, must lack serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value.
Programming the FCC deems "obscene" usually depicts or describes raunchy sexual conduct.

Charges that a broadcast is "indecent" are much more common, and includes material that does not rise to the level of "obscene." To be "indecent," the FCC must find that:
The material must depict or describe, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by applicable law; and
The broadcast is "patently offensive" as measured by contemporary community standards for the broadcast medium.
In determining whether material is "patently offensive," the FCC must consider the full context in which the material appeared, including the explicitness of the depiction or description, whether the material repeats the depiction or description of sexual or excretory organs or activities, and whether the material appears to pander or is used to titillate or shock.Community standards are not based on any particular geographic area, or any particular viewer or listener. The FCC instead attempts to weigh the sensibilities of the "average" broadcast viewer or listener.If the FCC finds complained-about material to be "indecent," and aired between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m., it will find a violation.Examples of "indecent" material include sexually-charged descriptions or depictions of penises, testicles, breasts, and sex acts. The FCC's enforcement bureau found that when U2's Bono said "Fuck" recently during an awards show - it may have been crude and offensive, but did not meet the first part of the indecency test because it did not describe or depict sexual or excretory organs or activities. In its words, "the performer used Fuck as an adjective or expletive to emphasize an exclamation." It also found that it was a "fleeting and isolated remark" that did not warrant FCC action.

?????????

I once said testicles on the air. It was 1976 and almost fired. I didn't say testicles to shock. I said it to describe what I saw in a cosmetic surgery magazine that had been accidentally mailed to my house. No one laughed - especially when I followed the conversation with the song "Red Rubber Ball."

Just the other day I said "Pubic". Seemed like a "Gray area" word to me - but I was assured it was OK. I was talking about the trend of adult women to go bald - because they're tired of bikini waxing. I guess this fell into the "Oprah-esque" adult conversation that isn't being fined.

In my opinion, the trick is to have no-one complain to the F.C.C.. The Government won't investigate until there's a complaint. If the talent has bonded with their audience in an adult manner for a number of years, the audience accepts what the talent feels is appropriate. This is where I am in my career. I bet if my boob fell out - or I used bad language (intermittently- not daily) - no one would complain. No shit. I bet my ass on it.

Donkey Bombs

Terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead. I'm happy about it. It's odd. I don't recall ever being happy someone was dead.

I used to want John Denver to die. I really did. I hated him - because his career took off about the same time Jim Croce died - and I somehow blamed Denver. This sick twisted notion stayed in my head for years - until Denver met his untimely death a few years ago. I thought I'd be happy about it. I wasn't. I had matured.

Not the case with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I'm pleased with his demise. But, does my pleasure in his death make me in any way - like him? This turd apparently took pleasure in murder and torture. How did he avoid capture so long? Hell, steal a car in the U.S. - and you're busted 95% of the time in a few days. I'd hate to have a Police Department after me. It'd be scary to have the Sheriff's office after you. The Feds after me would shake me up. I bet Abu had a constant pain in his stomach knowing the entire American military was after his ass - after all, the guns are alot bigger.

Am I in any way like Abu? No. A definitive no. Here's how I know. Those terrorist fu*%s have blown up all their cars. It looks as if the car bombs may be about over. They're now strapping bombs to donkeys. I kid you not. Donkeys.
How effective will a bomb laden Donkey - walking at 1/2 m.p.h. be - at wreaking havoc? Not good. Not good at all. Abu (was) so sick - he authorized the implementation of Donkey Bombs. I would never in a thousand years strap explosives on a dumb animal.

Abu smart? Hardly. The world is a better place today. Maybe Abu's replacement will re-think the Donkey bombs. Do all of us a favor and strap the explosives to yourselves. The world still needs Donkeys.

Naked driving.

Close your eyes and pretend for a moment you're driving your car naked. Yep. Naked as a jaybird. You're steering & braking & signaling and performing every function of operating a vehicle - devoid of clothing.

Why might you do that? Maybe it's hot - unbearably hot. You have no A/C and the windows don't go down. That's plausible. Maybe you don't want armpit stains on a special shirt you plan on wearing that night. Maybe in the process of taking off the shirt, you thought, "What the Hell, I'll take off my pants too!"

So here you are - naked behind the wheel. I imagine it feels nice. Probably liberating. The restrictive shackles of clothing might make you a better driver.
What's the big deal? No - one can see anything. No - one but truck drivers. Their sheer height - allows truck drivers to look down upon you wearing nothing but a lap belt.

Imagine the surprise Loannis Mpletsakis felt when he met Police Officers in New Jersey. That's right - Loannis Mpletsakis is his name (sounds like a naked driver name to me) - and he was completely nude. What might he be up to? Why on Earth would Loannis operate his vehicle this way? Actually. Loannis crashed his BMW into a truck - and realizing he was naked, checked to see if the other driver was OK - then fled on foot. He apparently sought the dignity of nearby bushes. Loannis wasn't thinking clearly. He had a number of excuses why he was naked at the ready. I've already listed a few. The trick here is when dealing with Police Officers - "believable excuses" - and Loannis couldn't come up with even one.

The excuse he gave was, "I was coming home from swimming in a pool full of chemicals - and chose to take off my bathing suit so as to not ruin the leather seats in my BMW." Ouch Loannis! Bad call. Bad ad-lib. That's his story and he's sticking with it.

Loannis is a cop by the way - and his trial continues on a variety of charges.

The prosecution plans to sit naked on leather seats to prove they can withstand the wear - and they can - I oughta know - I drove to work naked this morning.

Showers are good.

I like showers. Not baths - showers. I like being clean. I like deodorant and all that jazz. I like a good shave and expensive shampoo. I like trimmed fingernails and my hair in place. Occasionally, I wear cologne or after shave. I like clean clothes. I want dry cleaner pressed shirts & slacks. I want heavy starch & shined shoes. I try to keep the hair trimmed from my nose & ears. I don't mean to bring GOD into this, but you know what they say - "Cleanliness is next to Godliness."

Clean people aren't born that way. We're born sticky - and quickly stink up the place. Being clean is something that is taught. I obviously learned to be clean. I have clean parents and a clean house. I've raised clean children and drive a clean car. It's not very often that someone who is not clean - suddenly becomes clean. Have you seen the home cleaning shows? A team moves in and cleans the home of people with OCD. The homeowner squirms and fidgets through the whole show - because to them - clean is not comfortable. Filth is something they hide behind. It's a mask of sorts - masking their innermost discontentment.

There are many people I believe aren't clean. Brad Pitt for one. His body odor is legendary. Russell Crowe looks dirty to me too. Courtney Love strikes me as someone who needs to bathe. Imagine my amazement when I discovered that the person I considered for the "Dirtbag Hall of Fame" - Kevin Federline - actually cleaned up.

But, just like the home cleaning shows (as soon as the camera crew leaves, the crap begins stacking up - and suddenly the place is a pig sty again) - KFed will be back to his normal smelly self right away. This can't last.

I bet Brad & Angelinas' baby is ugly.

Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt, the baby born Saturday to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, was delivered by C-section. In a statement, Jolie thanked the staff of Cottage medi-Clinic Hospital. Jolie's obstetrician from Los Angeles, Dr. Jason Rothbart says that he delivered the child, weighing seven pounds, by Caesarean section "due to breech presentation," and that the birth went "flawlessly. Brad was with Angelina in the operating room the entire time and cut the umbilical cord of his daughter."

(The baby was reportedly in good health, though the family was yet to make a public appearance.) WHY?????

What if this baby isn't the "most beautiful baby" ever? The parents - who almost everyone agrees are beautiful - may have spawned an ugly child. Irony? You bet. Only time will tell. Brad & Angelina have had it good. They've been beautiful their whole lives. They've been doted on, fought over, and led a generally better life than most of us - because of their looks. They've made millions on their appearance. Jen Anniston was apparently too average looking for Brad - and he strayed. Wouldn't it be sweet if the seed of these two perfect people resulted in an ugly baby? They'd have no option but to drape her with cloth like Michael Jackson does his kids. Photographic rights to the worlds first look at this baby have already been sold. Pitt & Jolie made over $3 million - and intend to donate the $ to charity. If this photo is somehow delayed, it can mean only one thing. Ugly baby. Maybe the baby will be so ugly even touching up the picture won't help.

My moneys on ugly baby. But we won't say a thing - will we? "Oh, what a pretty baby!" But with parents like Shiloh Nouvel has - certainly someone will blurt out, "Jeez! What the Hell happened here?"

Why don't women like Air Conditioning?

Turn on the Air Conditioning! For the love of God and all things Holy - turn the A/C on!

This is an annual argument in my home - every year since I married in 1981. Oddly, I don't recall A/C arguments prior to marriage. Apparently the guys I hung out with before marriage were all on the same A/C page.

I want the A/C on - my wife does not. She believes strongly that when the A/C should go on - is a date - not a temperature. Usually, even she agrees that Fathers Day is a good day to turn on the A/C. If the temp hits 100 prior to Fathers Day - doesn't matter, it's too early to turn it on.

My wife says she likes fresh air. In my opinion, Hot, Humid, Polluted, Pollen laden - fresh air. There are two types of people in the world - Sweaters & Non-Sweaters. I am a sweater. I'm not embarrassed to admit - I sweat when it's over 90. I'm pretty good up to 90. At 90 - I sweat - and usually sweat until I get get somewhere cooler. I sweat in bed, I sweat on leather car seats and stick, I sweat on whatever I'm doing. You don't want me cooking for you in temperatures above 90 - for the meal will be likely "sweat in".

Why are women generally opposed to A/C? Is it a blood pressure issue? I believe it's a control issue. In my (married since 1981) opinion - women want to control their environment. Women want to control their total sensory environment. Turn that down! (A response to music they don't like.) Change that channel! (Response to a TV show they don't wanna watch.) Turn here! (Responding to your driving North, when Northeast can get you there 1 minute faster.)

If men are going to concede all the above - we should at least demand to make a single environmental decision. Let's all buy thermostat lock boxes, set the A/C where we want it - and keep the key.

OSD. Obsessive Shorts Disorder

Often I see reports on how you can deduce things about a person, by the things they own - or do - or say. These things reveal inner feelings a person might not be ready to admit. Psychiatrists draw conclusions about people from these things. Obsessive behaviors for example.

I HAVE EIGHTEEN PAIRS OF SHORTS. If you'd asked me how many pairs of shorts I had, I'd have probably answered, "six". I came to my "shorts realization" cleaning out my closet. I rifled through my folded pants - neatly stacking my shorts into a single pile. Soon, my shorts pile was about top topple over. Eighteen pairs of shorts do not sit well in one pile. I'm not talking about underwear. I probably have more than eighteen pairs of underwear. I also have five swim suits.

I have athletic shorts, khaki shorts, cotton shorts, and shorts that are shiney (like Evander Holyfield might wear.) I have short shorts, and long shorts, that make me look like I belong in "the hood". I've collected these shorts over the last 15 years. I must be "shorts compulsive". That's the only conclusion I can make. I have "a thing" for shorts - and I don't understand it. I don't even look good in shorts. I rarely wear shorts in public, reserving shorts for weekends at home and washing the car. Shorts for me are "vacation pants". Maybe that's why I have so many shorts. Maybe deep inside I'm trying to recapture the freedom & joy of vacations long gone. Maybe I associate shorts with really good days, and for $15 I can buy a "piece of a great day." Now, I'm attempting to diagnose my problem. I should leave this to professionals. I need therapy. No person needs eighteen pairs of shorts and five swimsuits. And those of you who have that many - should summon the courage to throw some out. I just can't. I have my shorts neatly stacked in three piles. Now, they're categorized by "casual level".

I'm gonna ask my Doctor if SHORTREX is right for me. SHORTREX - for obsessive shorts disorder. OSD. I'm the first person on earth to admit to the problem. Pray for me that my OSD doesn't ruin my life and I end up alone on the streets pushing a cart with 300 pairs of shorts in it. Maybe I've caught it in time.

Neuview Glasses

You're about to blow your top. Doesn't matter why - you may have just stubbed your toe. You want to scream. Maybe you want to strangle someone - maybe the person that caused you to stub your toe.

Just put on your sunglasses. Your Neuview Lateral glasses. Get a load of this. Neuview glasses direct light at an angle to the optic nerve. The result is said to activate the more rational left side of the brain to balance the emotional right brain that is inflamed during stressful moments.
The idea was researched and developed for psychotherapy at Harvard Medical School.

All right!! Get a pair of these and toss them to your spouse when they get all worked up. "Honey, just put on the glasses. Honey? Put on the glasses. You know how much better you feel when you put on the glasses. Hey! What are you doing? OOOOWWWW!" You now have glasses stuck in your butt. $72 wasted. Because those that need Neuview glasses will be the last to realize they need Neuview glasses.

Internet addicts - Get a life!

Internet addiction. Here it comes. Doctors & Psychiatrists agree - about 10% of us are addicted to the internet. It's basic human nature to over - indulge. It''s like when I do a broadcast at a car dealer and I have a huge box of doughnuts to give away, a man drives up in an old Ford wagon - his family piles out, and they proceed to eat all the Donuts. It's happened dozens of times. Sometimes it's Hot Dogs. The Internet is the Donut/Hot Dog, and we are the family in the Ford.

Families and relationships are falling apart because someone (or both of you) - won't sign the Hell off. What's wrong with you? Hours and hours spent gazing into a screen, until your eyes blur - and for what? Have you ever really gone back and looked at what you surfed when you spent that whole night on-line? You saw music videos, played a flash Brad Pitt pinball game (Brads head was the ball), you looked at curtains and shoes for a while, you investigated the South beach Diet and looked at the September 11 attack from 14 different views. You wrote a letter to your sister, and downloaded a weather bug that was a bug and infected your computer. You then spent one hour screwing with your virus scan trying to get your browser to show anything other than on line poker. Once you got that squared away - you played on line poker and while you didn't lose any money, you gave your e-mail address to a company in Antigua - that's already flooding your e-mail box with on line college degree offers. You bought a couple I-Tunes and a ringtone that sounds like rabbits. That reminded you to spend your on line store Easter gift certificate - so you do - and a Big Toe ring will be shipped in 3 to 5 days. GOOD LORD.

Stop it. Click out of this window. Shut the PC off. Go to "Start" (lower left) and shut the thing off. Do it now. You won't. You can't. You're part of the 10% aren't you?

You're taking all the Doughnuts and Hot Dogs and have only yourself to blame.

Charcoal vs. Gas

This even beats the eternal Ketchup vs. Mustard on a hot dog argument. I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I've used both for decades. I probably eat & weigh more than you - so eating is something I'm confident I know more about. I'm not "call the Fire Department we gotta remove a wall fat" - just a size you'd feel comfortable taking grilling advice from.

Gas wins hands down. Don't give me the "charcoal taste" argument. A good broken in gas grill delivers the same exquisite outdoor taste as charcoal - with 1/5 the mess. Charcoal lovers love the charcoal "process." It's the stacking the brickettes, lighter fluid, waiting for the coals - process. It's the whole ceremony of charcoal you're addicted to, not the taste. You're convinced the "process" makes the food taste better - and it might - in your mind. In reality all you accomplish charcoaling is getting your fingers black from the briquette stacking, and burning your eyebrows from the "whoosh" at light up. I just press a button.

While you're waiting for the fire to get hot - I already have meat on the grill. When your chicken is half done, I'm sitting down to eat my chicken. When you get around to eating your chicken, I'm already asleep in the chair.

Why don't you have a gas grill? I know why. Don't lie to me or try to lie to yourself. You're just too cheap to buy one.

Go ahead, keep your charcoal grill. I smell your eyelashes burning already.

Beans on Toast. Uggh.

Let's look at possible "quickie things to eat."
Bologna & Cheese.
Chips & Dip.
Fish & Chips.
Burger & Fries.
Macaroni & Cheese.
Beans on Toast.

Which of the above doesn't belong? Beans on Toast? Nope. Heinz is betting you are ready for Beans on Toast. Heinz is set to release a "ready meal" version of Beans on Toast. A foil pack with pork & beans sandwiched between two slices of bread - that you can toast or grill. Much thought went onto Beans on Toast - specifically, how many beans can you put between two slices of white bread before the bread becomes soggy from the sauce. Heinz scientists insist "they have it" and are ready for the national roll-out.

Who might eat Beans on Toast? Heinz believes students - because there are no dishes to wash - and they're easy to prepare because apparently all you have to do is, "think Pop Tart" - and ya got it.

I've eaten alot of bizarre things. Hell, I eat things no one else in my family would even think of eating - but - Beans on Toast is where I'm going to draw the line. I like beans. I like toast. If they were separate, I might even dip my toast in the bean sauce, but this is being touted as a main course - when it's an incomplete side dish at best.

I'll wait for the Beans, Potato Salad & Burger on Toast - surely that'll be next.

Paul and the future Ex Mrs. McCartney

Poor Sir Paul. Paul McCartney & Heather Mills are "separated" - after just 4 years. I heard someone comment yesterday, "who cares?" It's not difficult to see why there's interest - after all, Paul was married to Linda for such a long time. It was an enduring love that lasted "until death do us part."

Paul instigated the separation. Right there - it gets bizarre. I've seen divorce statistics that indicate an overwhelming number of divorces (or separations) - are initiated by the woman. It's waaay out of whack. Something like 90% of divorces are pursued by dis-satisfied women. Men, (by and large) - are like old dogs. Loyal & true to the bitter end. Look at the divorces around you. Most, if not all, are initiated by women. WHY then is Paul the one taking this drastic step? He's not the "cute Beatle" any longer.

Are there other women? AAAAAAHHHH. Here we go. Reports are, there are hundreds - let's be honest - THOUSANDS - of women who still ooogle Paul. Women still stalk Paul everywhere he goes. They throw themselves at him. This might be Pauls delayed mid-life crisis. Delayed - because hell - he's over 60.

Pauls biggest issue is the eventual settlement with Heather. Paul was rocks first Billionaire. Paul & Heather have no pre-nuptial agreement. On McCartneys website, he assures us all Heather isn't out to claim his fortune. If this separation was in any way - normal, and initiated by the woman (like it is in nature) - Heather might not be out for blood. BUT - Paul started this ball rolling. Uh - oh. Look for Heather to soon become "Rocks first Ex-wife Billionaire."

More car for the money.

I own two cars. A Toyota and a Chevy truck. Neither especially luxurious or expensive. I would though, love to give the impression I have more money than I do. Americans do this - because we are judged by the cars we drive. I don't have enough money to drive the cars I'd like to drive - or do I?

Now, through the magic of acrylic computer generated stickers, I can drive anything I want to.
Simply select the car you'd like to drive. A sticker of that car is then placed on the car you currently drive. Only under close inspection will people realize you don't drive a Cobra GT - but a Ford Fiesta. Your Chevy Cavalier can instantly become an Acura NSX.

Three problems: One, Which car do you pay to insure? The car or the sticker? Two, Getaway cars used in crimes will likely be stickered to throw off witnesses. Three, Won't this make your bad car more likely to be stolen? Car thieves aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Look closely next time you see a Ferarri - it might be a Hyundai.

Shock-tainment

David Blaine tried to hold his breath for 9 minutes. He failed. He made it just over 7 minutes. Encased inside a sphere full of salt water in New York, David Blaine tried to set the breath holding world record. ABC television and it's 225 affiliates were reduced to a camera shot of a man underwater holding his breath for 7 big minutes. The combined wattage of 225 television stations is, well, alot. That's all ABC broadcast - a man - underwater - holding his breath. There was a 90 minute build-up "pre-breath holding show" - that led up to the event I can't wipe from my mind. I will forever remember this stupid moment - because I will never regain those 2 hours I wasted. On my deathbed - I'll likely try to negotiate with the Lord to have those 2 hours returned to me. I feel this way about the breath holding event - not David Blaine. Millions of us in unison watched this drivel. Why? What's become of us as a society? Are we so hungry for entertainment that we'd watch a man hold his breath on network television? I guess so - and it's sad. David is obviously a talented magician. ABC has already signed him to do 3 more specials. Where does he go from here? David Blaine will place his head in a microwave oven for 10 minutes? David Blaine will let an Elephant stand on his foot for 15 minutes? David Blaine will jump from a plane with no parachute from 10,000 feet!!! David Blaine will eat a live cat! David Blaine will put his feet in quick set concrete and be thrown into the Hudson river while on fire! David Blaine will brew coffee with heat generated by his mind!!! I could produce these specials. They'd all generate ratings. Spots would sell for tens of thousands of dollars - because David Blaine is today's Houdini - and will keep the stunts coming until he kills himself on live television. Who's worse? Blaine or us? Blaine, for sucking us into his deathwish - or us for falling prey to this shock-tainment. Watching a man's body shut down from oxygen deprivation on television was uncomfortable at best. When he hits the ground at 100 miles per hour after jumping from the plane with no parachute - it'll be ugly. ABC will be investigated. We'll all wonder how it came to this. Shock-tainment - you read it here first.

I don't want a Giant TV

I don't want a giant TV. This makes me the only man on Earth that doesn't want one. For the record, I have a 27 inch Sony. It's taken me all my life to rise to the elevation of "Trinitron owner" - and that's good enough for me.

A new poll of men at Big Box stores, reveals the first thing men will do when they get their giant TV home - CALL THEIR MAN FRIENDS AND BRAG. Often, this is followed by the giant TV wannabees - converging on the home of the giant TV owner, and salivating on the set.

Why not a giant TV Bri? First, it becomes the focal point of any room it's placed. Hard not to notice the 1000 pound behemoth screen. The giant TV takes over the room. The room will from then on be called the TV room. There is no option - the TV takes up the whole room.

Giant TV's are impossible to decorate around. Unless your room is decorated in a screen motif, or maybe a Drive In motif, forget it.

At 1000 pounds, it's impossible to clean behind - or ever move. Set it where you want it. Think it through. It will be where you place it the first day, forever (or until it blows up.)

TV shouldn't be that much a part of your life. I like television like the rest of you - but if television is important enough to you to invest in a Buick sized screen, maybe you should re-evaluate your priorities.

LCD, Plasma, HDTV - spare me. Many giant TV's cost more than cars - or at the very least, boats. I suggest you buy a boat and spend more time outside in the sun with your family. Your relationship with them will improve, and you'll all get a little sun.

I also have a prediction. Like boats, the two best days in the life of a giant TV owner are, the day you buy it - and the day you get rid of it.

Who is Elma Farnsworth?

Do you know this woman? You do - and you don't even know it. She is partially responsible for something you use everyday. She was a pioneer. You should thank her. She was the very first person to do something no-one had ever done before. She just died in a Salt Lake City Nursing Home - with no fanfare. She was 98 - and reportedly lucid - right up to the end. She probably bragged about her accomplishments to deaf ears. What she did - is now taken for granted. She made a huge impact on this world - and it's a shame more people didn't recognize her achievements.

She is Elma Farnsworth. She was married to Philo Farnsworth. Philo invented television. Elma helped in the lab. Elma was the first person - ever - on television.

I bet the staff at the nursing home thought she was a crazy old woman when she mentioned that she helped invent the Nursing Home Common Room Sony.
As residents watched their programs, she probably mentioned that she was the very first person on television. I bet most said, "OK Mrs. Farnsworth, let's get you some medication."

I bet Elma in her later years wasn't even allowed to hold the remote.

Thanks Elma - On behalf of TV junkies - everywhere.

Mr. Immigration Man.

It's a song by Crosby & Nash - and a man with his hands tied.

In Chicago, police estimated that 400,000 illegal immigrants marched through the business district, while in New York and Los Angeles hundreds of thousands more did the same. Another 75,000 walked in Denver, about 15,000 in Houston, 50,000 in San Jose and 30,000 more across Florida.

Ann Coulter said it best. "Why not drop a net on these people?"

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR, YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT.
What do the Illegals want? For their status to go on as it has for years? Illegals want the rewards of citizenship without the sacrifice. Over 30% of every dollar I make - I send to my Government in taxes. I have to. I have a real Social Security number. I am a citizen of the United States. I pay for the roads. I pay for the schools. I pay the Politicians & Police. I fund the environmentalists. I pay benefits to illegal residents of my country. That's right. I pay for food, shelter & clothes for people that are in no way my responsibility. Are the Illegals paying taxes? C'mon. Yes, migrants are a part of our economy. They TAKE from the economy - and don't give back. What do the Illegals want? I don't hear anyone saying they want to become citizens. Why not? Because the deal they have now is sweet.

I've thought it through. I want to exit America, change my name & political status - and re-enter Illegally. I can re-assume the same job I have now, get paid off the books, get free health care, food stamps & rent vouchers. I'm gonna be much better off. When's the next march? I'm in.

Benito Piercequez

The Brian Pierce Interview

Mike Marino is an L.A. Radio Programmer & Consultant and interviewed Bri for his website. Here is the transcript.

THE SHOW: "Brian & Kellie"
THE STATION: WNNS- Lite Rock 99
THE CITY: Springfield, IL
THE FORMAT: HOT AC!
THE CAST OF CHARACTERS: Brian Pierce, Kellie Michaels.
CREATE THE SCENE: Name the one thing about your city most folk’ don’t know?
Brian: Springfield, Illinois is the final resting place for Santa Ana’s LEG. (Get in a history book.)

And the one thing about radio in your market, that impresses you (or, does NOT impress you)?
Brian: I’m impressed by my own company – Midwest Family Broadcasting. We break all the rules – remembering we made the rules in the first place. Our programming is a throw back to the days when this business was fun. I can’t imagine working anywhere else. My company operates it’s own 40,000 sq. ft. venue – and we promote virtually all the live music here.

If the radio station disappeared tomorrow, what’s the ONE thing listeners would miss most about your show?
Brian: Brian & Kellie are the grown up’s on the radio. We’re that show you can’t beat – because we’ve been together so long (just passed 13 years)
In Dallas – I wanted to be Ron Chapman. In San Antonio – I wanted to be Sonny Melendrez. In Boston I wanted to be Dave Maynard. Here I am that guy.

RESUME TIME:
Give us brief rundown on both of you, your personal history, your radio bio, and what brought you together.
Brian Pierce: Springfield local who went to B97 New Orleans, WOAI, KAJA, KLLS & KSMG San Antonio, KLUV Dallas, WZOU Boston & ABC/Dallas SMN. I came back home in 1991 I felt I’d accomplished what I set out to do.
Kellie Michaels: WYBR Rockford, WMIX Mt. Vernon. WILS Lansing – Springfield 1981 and here at WNNS since 1989.

WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?
Briefly describe your show your personalities and the “premise” listeners wake up to every morning.
Brian: Full service adult talk, Hot A/C music. We have our noses in everything. It’s the kind of radio our women grew up with.

Segue to the show planning, how much of it is prepared before you walk into the studio? How much left to spontaneity?
Brian: I’ve prepped 3 hours the day before – but will throw it all out for anything better. We “ride the crest of the moment”. The morning “unfolds” in real time.

Who makes up your pop-culture VIBE team, in terms of the creative brain trust?
Brian: I do. Bri. It’s 32 years of experience that comes in handy. I spend my day inside the minds of “our women” – literally every woman over 30 - for 60 miles.
When does the PD, or marketing director get a say?
Brian: My co – host is PD – and target audience – sitting right there. I play to her. Her input is vital – and she does often. Marketing Director? No.

Name your most memorable radio moment. (Good or bad!)
Brian: I sent this comedian into Copley Plaza with a handful of dollar bills & a walkie talkie. He was to simply give the dollar bills away. No one would take them. It was a scream. The comedian? Jerry Seinfeld WZOU/BOSTON.

CELEB Interviews… do you do ‘em? Love ‘em? Hate ‘em?
Brian: Yes & No. Only if they’re pretty big. We don’t get many press agents banging on the door here in Central Illinois.

Name your most memorable CELEB interview. (Good or bad!)
Brian: I almost got into a fist fight with Richard Simmons at B97 New Orleans. Same deal with Jackson Browne. I’m the nicest guy in the world – these guys just weren’t in the mood.

**Quick Word Association:
Politics -
Brian: Bush.
‘American Idol’
Brian: Seacrest.
Gas Prices
Brian: Mr. Refinery (A million dollar idea).
Tom Cruise
Brian: Goofball.
Morning Radio
Brian: Beddy Beddy good to me.

If there was one facet of radio you’d like to see change, what would it be… and what kind of change?
Brian: Frankly – my company has adopted my philosophy. This isn’t brain surgery. Work hard – think it through – have fun. Be different. The same old shit – doesn’t cut it anymore.

MARK THAT BENCH:
Tell us about your best weekly or daily on-air Benchmarks?
Brian: Our longest running bit is “Brian & Kellie to the rescue”. Simple “Dear Abby” bit – but we get a shit-load of mail.

How 'bout GAMES or TRIVIA you like to play with or ON your audience?
Brian: "Password", "Think Fast" (a 10 in :30), "Battle of the Sexes" – “Wheel of Worry” (:30 sec to worry about anything….Go!)
We do a trivia question everyday – but it’s custom written & designed to appeal to adult women.

What in your mind is your favorite on-air PROMOTION, Contest or giveaway?
Brian: “Miss Lite Rock 99” – a station QUEEN. We have talent competition only and the winner rides in a convertible in the Christmas parade. We never know what the Queen looks like – until the parade.

And Stunts?
Brian: I created my own marketing campaign at B97 New Orleans. I took beer commercials – and replaced the word “Beer” with “Radio” – and completely re-cut a bunch. They were a scream – and I surged to a 20 share.

Throw us a freakin’ bone, name one thing about yourself or about each other, that most people don’t know.
Brian: I did a parody song in San Antonio with the line “Come on you guys” – and my bud – Scott Chapin @ WGTR Miami liked the inflection sooo much – they developed an entire imaging campaign around those four words. I eventually saw it on TV, Billboards & T-shirts.

Parting Thoughts on anything, from the radio industry to the world we live in, marriage to this painful interview.
Brian: Young people in this business are waaaaay too pissed off. Young people aren’t willing to pay dues. They want it all right now – and seem less likely to work their way up. I recall starving for nearly 7 years before I made a living doing this.

I know, a little behind the scenes, but there's nothing wrong with "pulling the curtain back" once and a while.

White Trash has gone Mainstream. Uggh.

White Trash has gone mainstream. It's now officially trendy to be White Trash. I know something about White Trash. WT is all around me. I encounter WT everyday. WT is what makes me nervous about Wal Mart. WT is in the car in front of me, at the table next to me in restaurants and where I work.

I've joked all of my life that I too - was WT in denial. That's only partly true. I have never been WT - nor were my parents. But, go back a generation - and there is some WT sharing my last name.

I worked at a Radio Station in New Orleans back in the 80's. WT was everywhere. The black population far outnumbered Anglos, but the whites there are predominately WT. The dictionary defines WT this way:
White Trash n. Offensive Slang.
Used as a disparaging term for a poor white person or poor white people.
Used as a disparaging term for a white person or white people perceived as being lazy and ignorant.

Poor, Lazy & Ignorant? Partly. Today, it's a "look". This "look" is the WT that's "trendy".

Blame it all on Britney Spears. Brit is the WT poster child. She's barefoot, pregnant (for the 2nd. time), in short short cut off jeans. She's in a tube top or sleeveless tank most of the time. Her baby falls out of the highchair and cracks it's skull. Her home is a mess. Her husband is scum. Britney Spears is worth close to $100 million. Money no longer defines WT.

My Name is Earl. Jerry Springer. Paris Hilton. Toby Keith. Kid Rock. Jewel Encrusted Cell Phones. Trucker hats. These are the things that are taking WT mainstream. It's tatoos, piercings & bad hair-cuts.

What Rosanne Barr began 20 years ago, Larry the Cable Guy is finishing up. WT is here to stay.

It used to be WT lived in trailers. WT call them trailers, not mobile homes. Look closely at those under your roof. Maybe you have WT in your home. Show them the way before it's too late.

I wanna be a Doorman.

I wanna be a Doorman. In New York City – Doorman is a Union gig – and there are 28,000 of them! Doormen make no less than $700 a week. The union guarantees it. This past week, a Doorman strike was averted – when representatives of hundreds of buildings – caved – to the Doorman Union demands. The Doormen wanted a pay raise, guaranteed contract, 401k’s, the whole Doorman enchilada. The Doormen got what they wanted. New Yorkers can rest easy knowing their door will be opened by New York’s professional Doormen. What makes a Doorman a “professional Doorman” besides the paycheck? It’s most likely attention to details. A Union Doorman knows the precise pressure at which to push or pull a door in order to operate it at factory specifications. They know the factory specifications of every door ever made. They’ve attended classes on hinges – and know the weights each door hinge ever manufactured can hold. They mix special solutions to keep their doors windows clean – and mix their own oil to lubricate them. Union Doormen know all about locks and can likely open any lock in just seconds. Doormen must be weathermen – so they have umbrella’s handy when it rains. Doormen would shovel around their doors when it snows – and shade their door-handle when it’s hot – so no one gets burned.
Doormen likely help with groceries & luggage. Doormen sweep just inside their doors to make their “door experience” as pleasant as possible. Doormen must have incredible memories – so to know each face & name of everyone coming or going from his door. Doormen must endure the Doorman uniform in hot weather, the expense of keeping it clean, and the silly Doorman hat. This is my impression of a $700 a week Doorman. If I were a Doorman – this is the kind of Doorman I’d be. You just know this isn’t the case.

The Doorman Union just protected the jobs of thousands of half ass Doormen. Why? Because I, (an untrained rookie Doorman) could open doors too – but I’d open them with passion. I’d rise to the top of the Doorman food-chain quickly. People would remember me. I’d be famous among the Doorman ranks – because I feel any job worth doing – is worth doing well.

Big Love - Big Problems

"Big Love" is the HBO series starring Bill Paxton as a husband with three wives. He's a Polygamist, and apparently pulling it off. I've seen the show just a few times, but the concept - I've often contemplated. What if? How on Earth do the women get along? How does a man keep all these wives satisfied?

Here's how this man sees multiple marriage.

*You'd never be able to see ANYTHING on TV you want. Your remote would be divided among your wives.
*You'd never be able to make a decision. You'd be too concerned with how the other wives would react, to firmly decide on anything.
*Your car would be wrecked almost all the time. Three wives would increase your chance of damage by 300%.
*Remembering anniversaries? Birthdays? Forget it. It's too difficult for a man to remember just one, let alone three or more.
*Getting in the bathroom? Hope you can "hold it".
*What about those times you're "sent to the couch?" There's a wife THERE already.
*You're always out of shampoo.
*Odds you'll be sent to the store for tampons every now & then - goes up 300%.
*You buy chocolate cookies, thinking you might get to eat one or two. Forget it.
*The hair dryer is heated up to the point it blows electrical circuits - almost every day.
*No hot water - ever.
*You're up to your eyeballs in Good Housekeeping, Better Homes & Gardens & Star magazines.
*Cell phone bills that actually collapse your kitchen table just like on TV.
*Not a moment of silence, ever. It'd be like tag team talking. One wife would wind down, tag the next wife, and she'd pick up the conversation mid sentence.
*Kids. I love kids, but 10? 15? 30? If I had 10 wives, I'd have 30 kids easy.
*Headaches. "Not tonight, I have a headache". After hearing this repeatedly, by each wife, one by one, one right after the other, you might develop "esteem" issues.
*Having to say, "You look great in those pants, over and over.
*Impossible to drive. Directions coming from every seat in the car.
*Candles out the Wazoo.

Bill Paxton is the better man.

Damn Jack, I just blowed up!

Gasoline prices are about to go over $3 a gallon. We just passed $70 a barrel for crude. I've heard experts spout that crude could top $100 a barrel. $5 a gallon gasoline can't be far off.

With prices so high - gasoline theft is up too. Drive offs at Gas Stations and siphoning of tanks. Let's look at the latter - gas siphoning.

You have a full tank of gas, let's say 18 gallons. It's just sitting there ripe to siphon, because you don't have a locking gas cap do you? Thieves in the middle of the night are squatting behind parked cars looking for cars with full tanks. They insert hoses into the tanks, suck on the hose, start the flow, and drain the gas into tanks or cans they've brought along. In the last few years several of these gas thieves have been burned because they struck matches to see in the dark. Surrounded by fumes, these dipshits exploded. They avoid flashlights because they increase the chance of being caught. Makes sense - and stupid at the same time. The Government is considering stepping in to help these goofballs.

The feeling is - it would be cheaper to educate the thieves than treat their life threatening burns - so - "Flash some light on your siphon bottle" - is the theme of a proposed advertising campaign. Idea is - if you're gonna steal gas, don't light a match - use a flashlight. Another slogan : "Safety is as safety does. When you steal gasoline, use a Flashlight." (They also wanted to add artwork depicting a lighted match with a large X through it.)

Politicians continue to debate this campaign behind closed doors. The soonest we'll see the ads will be this summer. KABOOM.

The future of Television is here

I'm a radio man. I've never had a handle on what people will watch on TV. I remember laughing when Ted Turner launched CNN. "How on Earth can they find enough news to broadcast around the clock?" My thinking just wasn't progressive enough. I laughed when they introduced the Weather Channel. I smirked when ESPN launched. OK, so network television isn't my bag.

I used to laugh at bowling on TV. I watched it alright. Chris Schenkel (above left) on ABC on Saturday afternoons. I watched - I just thought it was dumb. I've never liked televised golf. I turned my nose up at televised Poker. C'mon! Cards on TV? Yep, and all of the above got or continue to get - RATINGS. I clearly know nothing about Television - so the news that I got today - I will embrace. I will not make fun. I will acknowledge that todays news just might change TV forever.

USA Network is about to launch MLG. Major League Gaming. Televised Video Game competition. Profiles, behind the scenes with the players, stats, slo-mo replays, a blimp overhead - the whole friggin' deal. Close-ups of thumbs on controllers and players hints on how to take meals in front of the television as they continue to play. Maybe you sense I'm being sarcastic. I'm not - this will be big. And if Major League Gaming isn't enough,

ESPN just announced that they're about to cover DOMINO tournaments. I'm serious. Shoot me. It's come to Dominos on TV. I have too many channels if there's a slot for Dominos. Makes Chris Schenkel look good doesn't it?

I can't believe it's not Fabio

So you think you're havin' a bad day? Not as bad a day as Fabio. You know, Fabio, the 6 pack abs - shirtless hunk from the romance novel covers. Fabio was just fired from his "I can't believe it's not Butter" gig. Fab-man had been the commercial spokeshunk for ICBINB for the last several years. When asked to comment Fabio said, "I can't believe I got fired from I can't Believe it's not Butter." Believe it Fabio. "It's hard to believe that it is not butter and that I will not be pitching I can't Believe it's not Butter." Fabio. Is it just me - or does he look kinda dumb? He looks like he's gotten by on his looks his whole life - and that he indeed doesn't know the difference between whipped oil & water & fresh creamery butter. Only a dolt of Fabio magnitude wouldn't know the difference. That's what made Fabio the perfect spokeshunk for ICBINB. Who will be next to pitch the yellow tubs?

I'd like to get the chance. I will promote ICBINB for a fraction of the cost of Fabio. If necessary, I'll even do the TV commercials shirtless. Maybe that's part of their marketing strategy. Man boobs. Maybe they have polls that show buyers of margarine want it served by a shirtless man. I can be that man. Just one problem as I see it.

The minute I spoke, "Hi this is Brian Pierce for I can't Believe it's not Butter" - many viewers would immediately say, "No, I do believe it's butter." "Look at that guy, it's obviously Butter." The fact that it really isn't - makes a strong case for me to be named the new spokeshunk.

The Ultimate Tornado Siren

Springfield Illinois is considering purchasing new Tornado sirens in the wake of two tornadoes that touched down here last month. The sirens we have now are old and unreliable. Each test, several don't work. The Mayor is proposing a massive upgrade. I don't know much about sirens. If you are a siren company - how do you price your sirens? The deluxe model is louder? Do all sirens sound the same? Can you special order sirens that blast a certain note? How about the key of "F"? Can I get a siren that screams an "F?" Have studies been done on how humans respond to sirens? Maybe sirens that blow in the key of "A" will send us to our basements sooner. Research must be done. How about sirens that don't blast a siren at all - but play music? Maybe play "Windy" by the Association when it's going to be really windy. Play "Riders on the Storm" when it's gonna rain. The mayor is actually considering connecting a microphone to the sirens. This means somewhere, probably City Hall, there would be a microphone that would be capable of announcing to the whole city. We could have announcements every morning just like High School or any episode of M*A*S*H. In this otherwise non progressive city - I propose progressive sirens. If we're going to spend the money, let's spend it on the latest greatest siren technology. And while I'm at it - if the city needs a mature seasoned trained announcer to be the "voice of the city", I throw my hat in the ring.

The Clorox Easter Basket

Easter Baskets. Girls dig Easter baskets. Girls never outgrow Easter baskets. Trust me on this. If you have a girl in your life, Sunday is the day. It's up to you. BUT, whatever you do - don't give the typical Easter basket. Grown up girls have no interest in hollow chocolate rabbits & fake plastic grass. They want unique baskets tailored to their personality. It's easy to do. Think about what your girl obsesses about. This will be the theme of your basket. My girl obsesses about cleaning. Here is my Sunday basket plan.

Beautiful basket containing:
Bed of cleaning rags. Large bottle of Clorox Cleanup. Bottle of Bleach alternative Dawn dishwashing liquid. Several Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. A couple Chore Boy scrubbing sponges. Scrubbing Bubbles. Febreeze & about a dozen bar soaps.

Sunday will be magical as my girl awakens to her basket of cleaning goodies. Her eyes will open wide with anticipation of cleaning with her special Easter cleaners. I love this woman. I really do. My house smells great and my Easter girl smells like cleansers.

Farts of the Brain

Brain Farts. The older you get - the more gaseous your brain becomes. My Brain Farts materialize in bits of information I'm no longer able to call up at a moments notice. It's a face on TV - or in a movie. Who is that guy? It's on the tip of my tongue. Some people can let it go. I can't. I obsess about it. A few years ago I'd go through many of the reference books I keep on hand (for moments like these) - until I got the answer I was looking for. You know, the woman who was in the movie with the dog. I'd think of it all day - sometimes sitting straight up in bed at 3am and blurting out BONNIE HUNT!!!! I do this with game show questions - comedians - even jokes comedians told 40 years ago. Remember that bit with the phone and the stick of butter? Sometimes weeks go by before I get to the bottom of these Brain Farts. I used to have a great brain for trivia. Oh, I still do - just not as good as it used to be - because the information is locked away behind 30 years of BS. Thank God for the internet. Rarely a day goes by that I don't almost run to a computer to solve a Brain Fart. Just the other day it was: You know - the concert promoter that ran the Fillmore in San Francisco? Oh God, he was huge - the posters - the rock shows - he just died I think. Yep - he just died - Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill - uhhhhhhhhhh.

Music is a problem too. Specifically when I know a tune - and can't produce the title. I can name any song almost instantly from just a one second clue. I really can. I haven't lost that ability. What I can't do is - do put a melody in my head to a song title. A few years ago I had a song in my head. It drove me nuts. I told everyone about my dilemma. I hummed it for people all day. I couldn't name the song. I couldn't let it go. I mumbled to myself for hours - with the melody running over and over and over in my mind. Then - without warning - TOWN WITHOUT PITY BY GENE PITNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need medication. Help me.
By the way, Gene Pitney just died - and the promoter from above is Bill Graham.

Mistake of Couric magnetude

Katie Couric is will anchor the CBS Evening News. Count on it. The announcement is coming any minute. She'll sign a deal for even more than the $65 Million NBC paid her to do the Today Show. This will go down as the biggest media blunder of all time. This post is just to "go on the record" - that I see catastrophe on the horizon. Frankly, I'm amazed that CBS executives don't see this coming. Maybe it's because CBS executives are executives and not broadcasters. That's the way it is these days. Maybe a bunch of young "suits" are pulling the strings at CBS. I don't know. What I do know is this.

CBS veteran newspeople are outraged. Outraged that not one of their own got the anchor seat. Katie is, after all, from across the street. White House correspondent John Roberts was the first to jump ship. Who can blame him. It was rumored for years that he'd replace Rather. When it didn't happen he called his agent. There are many agents being called this week. Contracts will not be renegotiated. Staffers will flat out quit. The ones that stay will want to see Couric fail. Why wouldn't they? She'll get the spotlight, the cash & the short workday.

Why else will CBS staff want to hang Katie out to dry? Because she comes from the wasteland on morning television. In the credibility wars, pre - 9am doesn't get alot of respect. The Today Show signed on with a sidekick monkey. Today is cooking segments & showbiz fluff peppered with the headlines of the day. Katie's on Skis!!!! You never saw Edward R. Murrow on skis. The hallowed halls of the Tiffany network, built by Murrow & Cronkite will smell of perky - any day now.

You thought CBS ratings were bad with Rather? Look for ratings to sink to new depths. Sure, I'll tune in to see how she does - we all will - and early ratings will indicate this - but they won't last. CBS certainly is figuring out how feature her gams on camera. It'd be ashame to hide those legs behind a desk.

I don't even work at CBS and I wanna call my Agent. "You haven't had an agent for 20 years Bri." OK - I'll hire one again just for this occasion.