The future of Television is here

I'm a radio man. I've never had a handle on what people will watch on TV. I remember laughing when Ted Turner launched CNN. "How on Earth can they find enough news to broadcast around the clock?" My thinking just wasn't progressive enough. I laughed when they introduced the Weather Channel. I smirked when ESPN launched. OK, so network television isn't my bag.

I used to laugh at bowling on TV. I watched it alright. Chris Schenkel (above left) on ABC on Saturday afternoons. I watched - I just thought it was dumb. I've never liked televised golf. I turned my nose up at televised Poker. C'mon! Cards on TV? Yep, and all of the above got or continue to get - RATINGS. I clearly know nothing about Television - so the news that I got today - I will embrace. I will not make fun. I will acknowledge that todays news just might change TV forever.

USA Network is about to launch MLG. Major League Gaming. Televised Video Game competition. Profiles, behind the scenes with the players, stats, slo-mo replays, a blimp overhead - the whole friggin' deal. Close-ups of thumbs on controllers and players hints on how to take meals in front of the television as they continue to play. Maybe you sense I'm being sarcastic. I'm not - this will be big. And if Major League Gaming isn't enough,

ESPN just announced that they're about to cover DOMINO tournaments. I'm serious. Shoot me. It's come to Dominos on TV. I have too many channels if there's a slot for Dominos. Makes Chris Schenkel look good doesn't it?

I can't believe it's not Fabio

So you think you're havin' a bad day? Not as bad a day as Fabio. You know, Fabio, the 6 pack abs - shirtless hunk from the romance novel covers. Fabio was just fired from his "I can't believe it's not Butter" gig. Fab-man had been the commercial spokeshunk for ICBINB for the last several years. When asked to comment Fabio said, "I can't believe I got fired from I can't Believe it's not Butter." Believe it Fabio. "It's hard to believe that it is not butter and that I will not be pitching I can't Believe it's not Butter." Fabio. Is it just me - or does he look kinda dumb? He looks like he's gotten by on his looks his whole life - and that he indeed doesn't know the difference between whipped oil & water & fresh creamery butter. Only a dolt of Fabio magnitude wouldn't know the difference. That's what made Fabio the perfect spokeshunk for ICBINB. Who will be next to pitch the yellow tubs?

I'd like to get the chance. I will promote ICBINB for a fraction of the cost of Fabio. If necessary, I'll even do the TV commercials shirtless. Maybe that's part of their marketing strategy. Man boobs. Maybe they have polls that show buyers of margarine want it served by a shirtless man. I can be that man. Just one problem as I see it.

The minute I spoke, "Hi this is Brian Pierce for I can't Believe it's not Butter" - many viewers would immediately say, "No, I do believe it's butter." "Look at that guy, it's obviously Butter." The fact that it really isn't - makes a strong case for me to be named the new spokeshunk.

The Ultimate Tornado Siren

Springfield Illinois is considering purchasing new Tornado sirens in the wake of two tornadoes that touched down here last month. The sirens we have now are old and unreliable. Each test, several don't work. The Mayor is proposing a massive upgrade. I don't know much about sirens. If you are a siren company - how do you price your sirens? The deluxe model is louder? Do all sirens sound the same? Can you special order sirens that blast a certain note? How about the key of "F"? Can I get a siren that screams an "F?" Have studies been done on how humans respond to sirens? Maybe sirens that blow in the key of "A" will send us to our basements sooner. Research must be done. How about sirens that don't blast a siren at all - but play music? Maybe play "Windy" by the Association when it's going to be really windy. Play "Riders on the Storm" when it's gonna rain. The mayor is actually considering connecting a microphone to the sirens. This means somewhere, probably City Hall, there would be a microphone that would be capable of announcing to the whole city. We could have announcements every morning just like High School or any episode of M*A*S*H. In this otherwise non progressive city - I propose progressive sirens. If we're going to spend the money, let's spend it on the latest greatest siren technology. And while I'm at it - if the city needs a mature seasoned trained announcer to be the "voice of the city", I throw my hat in the ring.

The Clorox Easter Basket

Easter Baskets. Girls dig Easter baskets. Girls never outgrow Easter baskets. Trust me on this. If you have a girl in your life, Sunday is the day. It's up to you. BUT, whatever you do - don't give the typical Easter basket. Grown up girls have no interest in hollow chocolate rabbits & fake plastic grass. They want unique baskets tailored to their personality. It's easy to do. Think about what your girl obsesses about. This will be the theme of your basket. My girl obsesses about cleaning. Here is my Sunday basket plan.

Beautiful basket containing:
Bed of cleaning rags. Large bottle of Clorox Cleanup. Bottle of Bleach alternative Dawn dishwashing liquid. Several Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. A couple Chore Boy scrubbing sponges. Scrubbing Bubbles. Febreeze & about a dozen bar soaps.

Sunday will be magical as my girl awakens to her basket of cleaning goodies. Her eyes will open wide with anticipation of cleaning with her special Easter cleaners. I love this woman. I really do. My house smells great and my Easter girl smells like cleansers.

Farts of the Brain

Brain Farts. The older you get - the more gaseous your brain becomes. My Brain Farts materialize in bits of information I'm no longer able to call up at a moments notice. It's a face on TV - or in a movie. Who is that guy? It's on the tip of my tongue. Some people can let it go. I can't. I obsess about it. A few years ago I'd go through many of the reference books I keep on hand (for moments like these) - until I got the answer I was looking for. You know, the woman who was in the movie with the dog. I'd think of it all day - sometimes sitting straight up in bed at 3am and blurting out BONNIE HUNT!!!! I do this with game show questions - comedians - even jokes comedians told 40 years ago. Remember that bit with the phone and the stick of butter? Sometimes weeks go by before I get to the bottom of these Brain Farts. I used to have a great brain for trivia. Oh, I still do - just not as good as it used to be - because the information is locked away behind 30 years of BS. Thank God for the internet. Rarely a day goes by that I don't almost run to a computer to solve a Brain Fart. Just the other day it was: You know - the concert promoter that ran the Fillmore in San Francisco? Oh God, he was huge - the posters - the rock shows - he just died I think. Yep - he just died - Bill! Bill Bill Bill Bill Bill - uhhhhhhhhhh.

Music is a problem too. Specifically when I know a tune - and can't produce the title. I can name any song almost instantly from just a one second clue. I really can. I haven't lost that ability. What I can't do is - do put a melody in my head to a song title. A few years ago I had a song in my head. It drove me nuts. I told everyone about my dilemma. I hummed it for people all day. I couldn't name the song. I couldn't let it go. I mumbled to myself for hours - with the melody running over and over and over in my mind. Then - without warning - TOWN WITHOUT PITY BY GENE PITNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need medication. Help me.
By the way, Gene Pitney just died - and the promoter from above is Bill Graham.

Mistake of Couric magnetude

Katie Couric is will anchor the CBS Evening News. Count on it. The announcement is coming any minute. She'll sign a deal for even more than the $65 Million NBC paid her to do the Today Show. This will go down as the biggest media blunder of all time. This post is just to "go on the record" - that I see catastrophe on the horizon. Frankly, I'm amazed that CBS executives don't see this coming. Maybe it's because CBS executives are executives and not broadcasters. That's the way it is these days. Maybe a bunch of young "suits" are pulling the strings at CBS. I don't know. What I do know is this.

CBS veteran newspeople are outraged. Outraged that not one of their own got the anchor seat. Katie is, after all, from across the street. White House correspondent John Roberts was the first to jump ship. Who can blame him. It was rumored for years that he'd replace Rather. When it didn't happen he called his agent. There are many agents being called this week. Contracts will not be renegotiated. Staffers will flat out quit. The ones that stay will want to see Couric fail. Why wouldn't they? She'll get the spotlight, the cash & the short workday.

Why else will CBS staff want to hang Katie out to dry? Because she comes from the wasteland on morning television. In the credibility wars, pre - 9am doesn't get alot of respect. The Today Show signed on with a sidekick monkey. Today is cooking segments & showbiz fluff peppered with the headlines of the day. Katie's on Skis!!!! You never saw Edward R. Murrow on skis. The hallowed halls of the Tiffany network, built by Murrow & Cronkite will smell of perky - any day now.

You thought CBS ratings were bad with Rather? Look for ratings to sink to new depths. Sure, I'll tune in to see how she does - we all will - and early ratings will indicate this - but they won't last. CBS certainly is figuring out how feature her gams on camera. It'd be ashame to hide those legs behind a desk.

I don't even work at CBS and I wanna call my Agent. "You haven't had an agent for 20 years Bri." OK - I'll hire one again just for this occasion.

I long for an Ugly Obese Widow

This - my friend - is truth in advertising. Straight from the New York Post. Finally, someone is telling the bitter, brutal truth in a personal ad. For years personal ads have used CODE WORDS. Here are a few:

Affectionate (Possessive) Artist (Unreliable) Athletic (Flat-chested) Average-looking (Ugly) Beautiful (Pathological liar) Commitment-minded (Pick out curtains, now!) Communication important (Just try to get a word in edgewise) Contagious Smile (Bring your penicillin) Educated (College dropout) Emotionally Secure (Medicated) Employed (Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home) Enjoys art and opera (Snob) Enjoys Nature (Bring your own granola) Exotic Beauty (Would frighten a Martian) Free spirit (Substance user) Friendship first (Trying to live down reputation as slut) Fun (Annoying) Good Listener (Borderline Autistic) Humorous (Caustic) Intuitive (Your opinion doesn't count) In Transition (Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills) Light drinker (Lush) Looks younger (If viewed from far away in bad light) Loves Travel (If you're paying) Loves Animals (Cat lady) New-Age (All body hair, all the time) Non-traditional (Ex-husband lives in the basement) You get the idea.

Ugly & Obese deserves a pat on the back for her truthfulness. This might go down in history as the very first legit personal ad. She should be lauded. This moment should be celebrated. Others should follow suit.

If I were older and unmarried - I'd call this woman. She's my kinda girl.

"Claw" machine Danger!

If you ask me, there isn't a bigger rip-off than those "Claw" prize machines. You know. The big box full of stuffed animals - you put in 50 cents - and direct a little claw or bucket to drop into the prizes - if you snag one, you drop it in the chute. You've likely tried the "Claw" before - you just didn't experience the "prize chute." These things are virtually impossible to win. Why would you want to win anyway? All you're gonna get is a super cheap trinket of a toy. This logic and understanding of the "Claw" is that of a mature middle aged man. If I were 3 years old, I'd wanna play. I'd want everything in there. I'd want that stuff so badly - I might climb up inside the prize chute to see if I could get in the prize box.

Dateline: Yesterday. Godfathers Pizza in Austin Texas. 3 year old boy does just that. He opens the prize chute door and wiggles his little body into the machine. Who is this kid? Houdini?

Firefighters had to be called to rescue the kid. He's OK. When it was all over did he at least scam one toy? He was in there afterall. He could have put all the toys in the chute and passed them to his big sister. The Goofball kid went through all this and forgot to get a toy. As a matter of fact, no one present even thought to get the kid a toy. The Godfathers patrons were too busy snapping pictures of the kid trapped in the machine.

It could have been worse - much worse. He could have wanted a Coke.

Bacon flap lifters.

I can go to the grocery store in 20 minutes. I can buy $200 in groceries in 20 minutes. I can follow the list, get everything I need, pay for it - and be out in 20 minutes. How is this possible you ask? You probably take longer. You probably inspect the bacon.

Every grocery store has the bacon area. It's where you find all the bacon packages from numerous bacon companies. Who doesn't like bacon. You're likely out of bacon right now, because you ate it all. Maybe your favorite store has 10 brands of bacon. Let's say there are 15 packages of bacon per brand. That means you are confronted with 150 packages of bacon for your consideration. Most of the packages are really boxes over vacuum packed bags. There is a little flap in the back to lift and inspect the bacon from a horizontal long cut side view. This flap is my flap.

There are women that must lift the flap. They must lift the flap of each of the 150 bacons. They must be assured that of all the available bacons that day - they purchased the most pleasing, desirable bacon. I'm not really sure what makes a bacon pleasing - I imagine a meaty bacon is best - I'm not sure. Hell, bacon is mostly fat anyway - that's what makes it bacon - as opposed to ham.
This liftable flap is why many women can't compete with my 20 minute shopping trip. Some women, I know more than a few - take a full 20 minutes just selecting the bacon. Flap lifters lift their flaps - then sloppily toss their reject bacons back into the bacon bin. I know they do because I've never bought a bacon that hadn't had it's flap dislodged. It's disheartening to know all the bacon I've ever eaten is an unknown flap lifters reject bacon. Stop the bacon madness.

Microwave bacon. It's here now - and it's the future of bacon. Not overpriced, much less grease to contend with and best of all - flapless. I'm a convert if only because I know the package hasn't been handled & rejected by a flap lifter. If microwave bacon companies institute flaps in the future, I swear I'm switching to sausage.

Pimpstars! Maybe I'm not the target market.

I thought mag wheels were cool. I thought chrome rims were all the rage. You've seen em. They get bigger, shiny-er & more expensive all the time. I've seen wheels that cost $1000 each. Now comes PIMPSTAR.

Pimpstar uses a computer program to transmit text & full color pictures to your wheels. Apparently you can do this as you drive. If you see a beautiful woman in the next car, you can flash your number on your wheels. She'll see it, take down the number, call you & throw herself at you - because you have the coolest wheels ever - PIMPSTARS!

When you pass a military vehicle, you can flash full color American flags on your wheels. The military personnel will shine with pride as they become mesmerized by your wheels.

You can sell advertising on your wheels. Coca Cola will no doubt pay you to flash their logo. You'll need your wheels to generate revenue because these babies cost $12,500 for four.

Great idea. I'm gonna get some and project the image of hubcaps onto my wheels.

Watch for Pimpstars where you live very soon - appearing on cars that aren't worth nearly as much as these wheels. That's the way it goes isn't it? $12,500 wheels, $2500 tires, $7000 stereo, $5000 video system - installed in a '95 Mitsubishi worth $1200.

I am March Languid

I don't have March Madness. I've become March Languid. I don't care who wins. My teams are out. Well, don't care who wins might be too strong - I'm really really really really glad DUKE LOST! Wasn't that great? The CBS announcers spoke of Duke like they were NBA quality and showed L.S.U. little respect. The tones of their voices indicated they felt "it was just a matter of time" until Duke pulled away. Duke didn't and it feels good. I know many of you feel the same way. There's something about rooting for the underdog that's pure. It's American to cheer for the weak. We love toppling dynasties. We're hyped & media overdosed and when all the prognosticators can be exposed as phony know it alls - it's a beautiful thing. NCAA seeding is asinine. The 64 team selection itself is flawed. The one thing all the analysts in the world can't measure is - heart. It does the heart good to see Duke lose. They're the only team with it's coach doing Chevy commercials. Coach K - may be the only coach you know - and next week he'll be doing the same thing as you & I. Watching the games on CBS. Go ahead CBS. Fill the screen with statistics. Make them move and dance around the screen. Give your stats little sound effects when they pop up. Just know the number one team statistic during March Madness - is a stat they don't show. It's the "don't give a crap about what you think factor." L.S.U. was over 90% in their DGACAWYT factor Thursday night.

I don't want to work at KTRS

From KSDK Channel 5 St. Louis:
It was in KTRS 550 AM studio D Wednesday morning that talk show host Dave Lenihan was rallying for Secretary of State Condeleezza Rice to become the next National Football League commissioner. Then Lenihan, on the job for just 8 days, says he made a career ending slip.Lenihan said on the air, "She loves football, she's African American which would be kind of a big coon. Oh my God, I totally, totally, totally, totally am sorry for that. I didn't mean that." Lenihan spoke to Newschannel 5 and said, "This morning I was on the radio and I was talking about how great it would be to get Condeleezza Rice to be the commissioner and I meant to say it would be a 'coup' and, unfortunately, I said what a coon it would be."KTRS 550 General Manager Tim Dorsey says it didn't take him long to decide what to do. "Within about 2 seconds of listening to it," says Dorsey.Dorsey fired Lenihan, and apologized to the Secretary of State saying there is "Zero" tolerance for a remark like that."More than anything else, I apologize to Condeleezza Rice and to our listeners for having to hear a remark like that," says Dorsey.

I've heard the clip. Maybe he did it on purpose, maybe not - I can't tell. That's my rub. If he did in fact, simply slip up - this is terrible. In the course of sitting in front of a live microphone for countless hours each week (something I know about) - it's unreasonable to expect a human not to make a mistake from time to time. Get on the net and search around for the Sheppard Smith FOXNEWS video of him saying "Blowjob". Everyone from David Brinkley to Casey Kasem has been caught by a live microphone. The way KTRS management reacted was waaay over the top. They fired the guy within minutes. His explanation wasn't considered. Its obvious to me this is political correctness - nothing more, nothing less. What Lenihan said was unfortunate at best. There was no pattern to his decision making. He'd been there just 8 days.
I can only imagine how my company would react to me making the same blunder. My bet is they would stand behind me. If I appologized - and mis-speaking didn't become commonplace, they'd listen to my explanation - and I'd go on. One thing for sure, if every single word I spoke could result in my firing - I'd freeze up - unable to utter a sound.
The Big 550 KTRS St. Louis. Another of the over 10,000 radio stations I have no desire to work for.

The Steven Tyler Secret Surgery

Steven Tyler from Aerosmith is undergoing surgery today. His publicist calls it an "undisclosed surgery". They're not saying exactly why Tyler is under the knife. Tyler is 58 - and Aerosmith has cancelled the rest of their North American tour because of this.

Undisclosed Surgery? What does this mean? Why wouldn't his people just come out and say? I will now speculate. Eventually we'll find out - we always do - let's see if I can sleuth this.

I believe it must be an embarrassing surgery. I can think of no better reason to keep it secret.

*I'm thinking butt. Tylers butt. Hemorrhoids maybe. Maybe something up there by accident. Maybe a blockage of some sort. Colons are nothing to fool with. Tylers colon would have been on CNN if he'd not made it secret. OR,

*How about cosmetic surgery? Lip reduction. It's about time for Tyler. Maybe a Lip Lift. Maybe he got them slammed in a car door. Maybe an elevator closed on them.

In the days to come - we'll find out what it was. My money's on Tylers Butt - or his lips. I don't blame him for the secrecy. It's just funny how easy it is to figure out.

No Need to Thank anybody.

My Broadcasting Company, Midwest Family Broadcasting has been praised repeatedly this week for our efforts during Springfields' tornados. We had a plan, we put it into effect - and it worked. Staff was made aware of the impending emergency - literally hours - before anything happened. When it was clear we were in the eye - several staffers manned their posts.

The calls of praise are nice. The thanks and congratulations are well received - BUT - this is what we do. Most of the Springfield staff (especially the old guard) - realize our first mission is to inform the public. Matters of public safety always take precedence. Not one, but two 20 year broadcast veterans took charge on Sunday night. If you ask them - they'd tell you this is the very reason they chose broadcasting as a profession. It's the reason my generation got into radio. Do you think it's because we like to listen to music? Do you think we like all the contests we play on air? First & foremost - we want to matter. Sunday - we mattered. With all the distraction of The Sopranos season premiere & Desperate Housewives - with the Internet & Playstations going all at once, suddenly a whole population is squatting below ground level listening to local radio. TV was useless. Internet needs 110 volts. Radio needs 2 AA's. I know I'm speaking for my co-workers when I say - they purely enjoyed serving you. They look forward to serving you tomorrow too - on a better day - when you're not in the basement.

Radio is a part of the community - that sadly over the years has been taken for granted. For those of you who have the "What have you done for me lately?" mentality - many of you know now, we may have saved your life.

We'll do it again too - as long as the Antenna Towers stand.

Tornado dude, day 4

Got this note from a listener:

Bri,
Just wanted to say how refreshing it is to get the storm news from you and Kellie. Some other local reporters (especially on TV) have a tendency to hype it up and have been insensitive to the personal loss people have been faced with. One reporter/camera man was showing a man's demolished home and stupidly asked, "How's it feel to see everything you've worked for destroyed in an instant and to have your life ruined?" What's he going to say? "Oh no problem! I feel good today, maybe a slight cough coming on, but otherwise, I'm fine". GRRRRRRRR.... You and Kelly really share the news with seriousness and compassion, yet enough light-heartedness to not depress us all beyond coping. I wonder if you 2 know the positive impact you have on the city of Springfield and the surrounding area. Your pride in our city is contagious!!! Thanks! ~ Kim

Thanks Kim. Maybe I've learned something being on the air three decades. In situations like this - shut up & listen. I am not the story - people are. Tell the story. In this town now, there are thousands of stories. Kim, what you're witnessing are green broadcasters caught up in the excitement of probably the biggest story they've ever been associated with. Cut them slack. They know not what they do.

One story I can't get out of my mind is a man named Mike. I met Mike at sunrise the morning after an F2 tornado had taken out his mobile home park. Somehow, Mikes trailer was mostly unscathed - (porch ripped off and a 4 inch tree branch horizontally impaled in the side) - he was peering out the door as I drove by. I said, "There's a man in there"! I pulled over and went to talk to Mike. He was a Vietnam Vet in a wheelchair. His legs had obviously been lost in the war because the blunt trauma was apparent. He's in the dark with coffee, cigarettes and a little dog. He'd ridden the storm out alone. When the shit hit - he couldn't get out - so he hunkered down - and by the grace of God, survived. He was "matter of fact" about the whole thing. He wondered where his giant porch had gone. I looked around and told him it was about 40 feet behind his trailer now. The power is still out in Mikes area. Mike appeared to have a gas stove that still worked. I speculate he's been heating his home with the stove. It's been in the 20's overnight. My curiousity has the better of me. I'm buying groceries for Mike. I'm going to visit him tonight. Insurance? C'mon. All he may have is me.

FEMA! Bring hairdryers!

I've spent three straight days on the air assisting in getting information out in the wake of the Springfield Illinois tornados. People here are trying to get on with their lives. Residents are helping one another. It seems there is free coffee & food on every corner. The Hotels are completely booked - there isn't a single vacancy. These are people who can't live without electricity. Maybe the Hotel refugees just miss cable TV. If I can't watch the S.I.U. game Friday - I'm going to drive the neighborhood looking for a satellite dish.

Bright side: Firewood here will cost 10 cents a cord this Winter. Bright side: Some people who wanted massive home renovations - will now get them - paid for by their insurance companies. Bright side: All the ugly retail signs that have been a blight on Wabash Ave for 30 years are now gone. Bright side: WDBR's broadcast tower fell down. (My fingers just typed that - I don't really feel that way.)

Guilt. I have guilt because my capitalist brain is swimming with ways to profit from this disaster. "Bri's Generator Hut". We'd sell nothing but gas powered electric generators. I could name my price. "Bri's Chainsaw World". Same deal. How about a new product? "The Power Outage Beauty Kit". Inside you'd find all a woman needed to get ready for work during a power failure. The heart of the kit would be a 12 volt DC hairdryer. I've come to realize - what women miss most about electricity is not being able to dry their hair. More Guilt: After the storm passed and I came out from my hole/bunker - I was upset that I lost a vinyl patio chair cover. I sulked for about an hour until I came upon it in the middle of the road about a half mile away. I slammed on the brakes and retrieved it. My net storm loss is - nothing but sleep.

I will continue to assist my community through my broadcasts, look at the bright side, feel guilty, consider profiting from others loss - and whine about the cable being off - at least until the S.I.U. game Friday. Just in case - got a dish???

Joe vs. the Tornado

Why don't tornadoes watch Bill O'Reilly on FOXNEWS? It's a no spin zone.

What happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado?
Udder Disaster.

I crack myself up. Ugggh.

Two F2 tornados passed 500 yards north of my house Sunday night. My hometown of Springfield Illinois is pretty messed up. The twisters cut a swath about a half mile wide all across town. Trees are down, roofs are gone, businesses destroyed. Powers off to 12,000 customers still today - and it's Tuesday. Day to day life here will return to normal soon. I spoke with several residents who'd already cleaned their property of debris & placed tarps on their roof. I'm amazed how Central Illinois residents just jumped in and started "working the problem." The community is coming to the aid of itself. Residents here aren't waiting for Federal Aid. They're not waiting for FEMA to roll in. No one has asked for a $2000 Debit card. Damage is in the multi millions of dollars - yet, we're cool - because by and large - we're insured.

Let this be a quick lesson to anyone worldwide facing potential catastrophic property damage losses. Buy insurance. It's what we boring Illinois people do.

Too bad. I heard the Government gives away plasma TV's in situations like this. The truck hasn't made it here yet. I don't think they're coming.

$10,000 bills are very very pretty

I like the looks of this. Found in a safe deposit box of a dead bank customer in Green Bay Wisconsin - a rare $10,000 bill. These haven't been circulated in 60 years. You don't have to think long to understand why. Do you want to run this through the laundry in your jeans? Do you want your dog to eat it? Do you want to pull into a McDonalds drive through with a $10,000 bill? Well, actually - that'd be fun. Do you want to accidentally tip your waitress with this? What was the point of this bill in the first place. In the 40's, $10,000 was almost 5 times the average annual income. This would be like a Half Million Dollar Bill today. These bills were used mainly by Banks to transfer large sums of money - both domestically & overseas. If they were stolen - they'd certainly be easy to track.

Maybe it's time for $10,000 bills again. Now that this image has hit the internet - they will come back. The bill will be printed on computer printers all around the world and passed to stooges at convenience stores. Just know, when Leroy hands ya a $10,000 bill for a 12 pack of Bud and a pack of Camels - it's a fake.

By the way, that's Salmon P. Chase up there - yep - the banker.

I'm all Ryan Seacrested out!

Ryan Seacrest. He's everywhere. That's an understatement. Why - is the question. Idol is huge. Is it because of Seacrest? We all know the answer. His fame is on the coat-tails of trendy formulatic television. If he hadn't been lucky enough to get the Idol gig in the first place - all that's followed - wouldn't have. He's on E. He's on radio in L.A. He does syndicated radio. He has a clothing line. For the love of God, he's being touted as the next Larry King! What's next? The sky's the limit. I wanna know when he sleeps.

Am I jealous? Yeah, probably. My hey-day was about 20 years ago - when I was his age. I was approached to do the show in L.A. Seacrest does now, in 1987. That was the apogee of my career. But -

All that's followed for Seacrest - I don't understand. He's not compelling to listen to on the radio. He's not especially good at interviews. He's not at his best ad-libbing. He's not that sharp a dresser. His voice isn't especially strong. He isn't funny. Is it the hair? It's gotta be the hair. Seacrest is the flavor of the month. When Idol peaks and Fox pulls it - look for Seacrest to be pulled too. He won't have the shelf life of Dick Clark - or the radio career of Rick Dees (The guy he replaced in L.A.)

I have Seacrest on my mind (you know that's not his name - right? Sounds like a toothpaste or a mouthwash) because, I saw him on the Oscar red carpet broadcast Sunday. He was wearing a child size clip on bow tie. If Dick Clark could speak, he'd say "Good Lord." I'd like to hold him down and give him a shave.

Asteroid!!!! We mean it this time.

You have until 2102. May 4th precisely. That's when the asteroid is gonna hit. It's a doosey. 500 yards long and one billion tons. When it hits, it'll blast a crater 6 miles wide and 1/3 mile deep. It'll set everything on fire for 60 miles around. It'll strike Earth with a force equivalent to ALL the world's nukes.

Meet the end of the world - thanks to 2004 VD17. Scientists found her in November 2004 and set the "risk of collision" at 1 in 3000. Today they've revised the chance to 1 in 1000. Over 18 months the odds have increased dramatically. What will the odds be in 96 years? Sounds like we're screwed.

I'll be dead already. So will my kids and likely their kids. I'll be so emotionally removed - I don't really care what happens - but we should begin teaching our young how to dig holes. Really deep holes. Our only real hope is burrowing deep into the Earth and becoming Mole people.

Bruce Willis will be dead too. Is there any real alternative?

I broke my own Gas Grill rule.

I've owned several gas grills. Most recently I've owned the $199 job - that lasted 10 years then began to rust away. I loved that grill. So much so - that I refurbished it. I put in new burners & hoses. I cleaned & painted it. I even cleaned and re-stained the wood slats. I've resisted buying a new grill for one reason & one reason only. I didn't want a grill with side - burners. You know what I'm talkin' about. Side - burners magically appeared on gas grills about 10 years ago. It's as if the grill companies conducted some massive "grill study" and concluded Americans want side - burners. This American sees no need for side burners. Up until recently there has always been a model or two, that simply had shelves on the sides. These were the grills I eyed for future purchase. Often, I'd go to the home store and mingle with the men there admiring the grills. They're there you know. Men that have no intention of buying a grill right away, but are inexplicably drawn to the grill area. We look at the grills, discuss them among ourselves, and plot on how we'll talk our wives into buying one. After a while - we move to the mowers.

Over the weekend - my grill ship came in. I pulled the trigger on a new gas grill. Not just any grill. A CHARMGLOW gas grill. Those old enough immediately think of Monty Hall & Let's Make a Deal. I'd never seen a Charmglow grill in my life, until Monty gave one away almost every day on LMAD. The only name more prominent on LMAD was Dicker & Dicker of Beverly Hills. Jay Stewart, tell everyone what Brian just bought!
Right Monty! Don't let its low price deceive you - with three cast-iron burners, 45,000 BTUs, a 636 sq. in. cooking area, plus a 12,000 BTU side burner, there's no skimping on power or space! Includes one-touch electronic ignitor, non-stick porcelain grates and warming rack. Constructed of stainless steel and heavy die-cast aluminum! Propane tank not included.

I broke my own gas grill rule. I waited too long. Every grill now has a side - burner. You snooze, you lose - my gas grill lesson for today. At least there's only one side - burner. By the time I replace this grill - all grills will have two - maybe three - side burners.

XM: 100% Commercial-free music no more!

Channel updates from XM:
"We regularly review and update our channel line up to revise our overall offerings. We will add the Oprah & Friends channel in September 2006. In the first half of 2006, we expect to add certain new channels, including additional commercial-free music channels, to slightly increase our total number of commercial-free music channels. In addition, commercial advertisements will resume on music programming currently provided to us by Clear Channel. Certain of these changes implement a settlement agreement and are in accordance with the preliminary decision of the arbitration panel for a dispute we had with Clear Channel relating to our respective rights and obligations under agreements entered into in connection with Clear Channel’s 1998 investment in us. From time to time, we make certain of the content we produce available for broadcast by others, including traditional AM/FM radio stations."

As I understand it, there are four channels that contain 'music programming' by Clear Channel - Sunny, KISS, MIX, and Nashville - and as this reads, XM will include commercial advertisements on these channels.

XM plus Clear Channel equals Skylab. I look for XM to fall into low orbit and spray debris into the Pacific real soon.

The Saluki that never attended S.I.U.

I was the dog. The mascot. Actually, there were 5 of us. A "Big Saluki Dog" - and four "Puppy Salukis". I get asked about this often, since I revealed a couple of years ago. that I was an S.I.U. Saluki mascot in Carbondale Illinois 40 years ago. I grew up in Carbondale and was a "townie". I was a puppy - I was still a kid. The S.I.U. Gymnastics Team was the first place the University recruited team mascots. One was chosen, (he was Big Saluki) - and the other four came from my neighborhood. We puppies all lived right next to one another. We were all under 10 years old and had to provide our own Saluki costumes. I think that's how we got the gig. Our mothers committed to sewing the outfits. Team mascot outfits were in their infancy 40 years ago. I recall the suit being made of a material that felt like fur - and the head had a giant foam rubber nose insert. Mine was green. Yep, green. I was a green Saluki. We went to all the Saluki Football & Basketball games in the mid 60's until one by one we grew out of our suits. We were in all the parades. I especially remember the Homecoming parades. The suits were hot, but we survived. My Saluki Dog suit stayed in the family for years. My little brothers had an instant killer Halloween costume. When they outgrew the suit, they just wore the head. No, it's not around anymore. I'm sure it just fell apart from all the wear.

I bring this up because once again S.I.U. has made the NCAA basketball tournament. The last time I saw an S.I.U. game in person - was all those years ago - when the Arena was brand new! I was on the floor throwing little commemorative basketballs into the crowd - not realizing that 40 years later I'd look back on those times - with pure joy.

When I hit college age I attended Western Illinois University. To this day, I don't know what I was thinking.

The Biggest SUV yet.

Remember the Hummer the first time you saw it? You were blown away at it's sheer size. It was heavy & wide with giant wheels. It was being used by the military and we applauded when the consumer version came out. The Hummer made even the largest truck look puny. Now, we're in Iraq and the insurgents are pissing us off. The roadside bombs have taken their toll. Force Protection, a company in South Carolina, has come to the rescue.

Meet the "COUGAR". This baby is an armored 6 x 6 that carries 14 people. It dwarfs the Hummer. The Cougar is in production right now. It's 450 horsepower and 45,000 pounds of American made truck baby. The "Buffalo Cougar" even has a "claw" on the front that scoops up and detonates enemy mines like stepping on chewing gum. These trucks weigh as much as seven GMC Yukon XL Denalis, and get about 5 miles per gallon. This, my truck drivin' friend, is travelin' in style. They cost just under $1 million each, and our Government has placed orders. Yes! Let's skip ahead about five years.

You're at the grocery store. As you pull in, there's a 30 year old soccer mom coming out. A store employee is pushing her cart and is going to load her groceries. He shouts, "Damn, Lady!" - as he spots her ride. He then loads her groceries into her 45,000 pound, 450 horsepower SUV. It's taking up three parking spaces. She opens the drivers side door and smacks the Buick parked next to it. The sheer weight of the door knocks the Buick into the next space and causes $9000 damage. She leaves a note on the Buicks windshield. Her husband rests easy knowing his wife will make it home in one piece with the groceries, even if she did burn $15 in gas just running to the store.

Pick up a Cougar soon, at your local Cougar dealership. Finance it for 60 months. Be the first on the block to sink into the asphalt on a hot day.

News Flash! James Bonds New Car!

Remember the Aston Martin? Over the years I recall a Ferrarri & a BMW. Q always had a great car for Bond, complete with all the gadgets needed to blast his enemies. In 1971 Bond drove a Ford Mustang, but it was a rental car he got in Vegas. He once got away in a Fiat he borrowed from a farmer. He drove an AMC Hornet, another rental, in Live & Let Die. But, the cars furnished to him by the British Government were all high end. Q apparently had an unlimited budget when it came to cars for James. That's all over.

Casino Royale is the next Bond film. I won't even broach the Daniel Craig selection, but I will take issue with his car. The British Secret Service has issued it's top guy, a FORD. A Ford Mondeo. It looks like a Ford 500. It has the typical Q gadgets. It is a Ford. Not a Jaguar, a Bentley or Rolls. Not a Lamborghini or a Porsche. A Ford. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" "No. Not for 34 years - since Diamonds are Forever, and it was a rental." OK. Not to blast Fords. The Mondeo may get great mileage. It may have side impact air bags. It may be high ranked on the JD Powers customer satisfaction index. There's just nothing elegant, nothing suave, nothing mysterious, nothing sexy - about a Ford.
Why then did Q decide to go with a Ford? Maybe because at Ford - Quality is Job One! Nope. Ford paid $18 Million to the producers. (See previous product placement post.)

Next Bond movie, what will Bond drive? I suggest the 2007 Chevy Suburban. When the shit gets deep he can press the Onstar button.

The Worst Video Game Ever!

Desert Bus is the worst video game ever. Unfortunately the game was never released, until now. 11 years after the planned release date there are Torrent download sites that have it.

The goal is simple. You drive a Bus through the desert from Tucson Arizona to Las Vegas. The hard part is that the trip is in real-time, so it takes 8 hours. And it gets even better: There is no scenery or other cars on the road, just plain desert, for 8 hours. Oh, and your bus veers to the right just slightly, so it’s impossible to just tape down a button and go do something else. Rumor has it that if you make it to Vegas, you score one point.

Reportedly, no-one has ever made it to the end of Desert Bus. I'm not even gonna try.

Don't ask me to help you "move".

Don't even think about it. If you're moving, don't ask me for help. Don't even think about it. The Seinfeld episode with Keith Hernandez comes to mind. Keith wanted Jerry to help him move, and Jerry thought it was too early in their relationship - to ask him to help. He's right about that. Helping someone move, is the biggest favor a man can ask another man. Jerry might argue it's dropping someone off at the airport - but I believe moving beds & couches up & down stairs trumps everything. Now, you ask WHY Brian may I not ask you to help? Why, if we're good friends, can I not depend on you? Maybe you believe our relationship has elevated itself to moving status. No. No it hasn't. Don't ask me, because I will never, never, ever ever - ask you to help me. That's it in a nutshell. I developed this strict no moving assistance policy over many years. I used to help friends all the time. To some good friends, I was always a go-to guy. Back in the 80's - I said, that's enough. No person you know has moved as many times as me. I moved out of the house into an apartment. I moved to another apartment, to another apartment, then another. Then I moved to Champaign. Then I moved back to Springfield. I moved into a house, into an apartment, then back home. I moved into another apartment - then moved to San Antonio. I moved into an apartment. Then another apartment - then a house. I moved to New Orleans. There, I moved into a condo, then a house, then moved to Boston. I moved back to an apartment, then moved back to San Antonio again into a house. Then I moved to Dallas into a house, then another house, then to Springfield into an apartment, into a condo, into a house. I'm not gonna count up all those moves, I get dizzy just thinking about it. Everytime I moved, I paid or my company paid, to professionally move me. The only people that helped over the years not on a payroll - were my kids. Once they got old enough - they chipped in. That is why the only people I will ever ever help move are my kids, and you're not one of my kids are you? So, don't ask. You know the answer.

Product Placement - The Next Generation

I remember watching My Three Sons on CBS 40 years ago and noticing every car in each episode was a Pontiac. Then, during the credits it read: Automobiles furnished by Pontiac.
There is a great scene in Live and Let Die the movie, when Bond is in the backseat of a cab. The driver is killed with a dart from a passing car, and the cab careens out of control. Every car the cab almost hits is a Chevy Impala. There are Impalas of every color. Two doors, four doors, wagons, each an Impala - and an early attempt at product placement.

Product placement has come a long way in 40 years. Now, companies pay everyday for their products to be placed, positioned & used on television & movies. Whether or not this type of advertising actually works, remains to be seen. Real studies on product placement indicate it might not be effective at all. It hasn't kept companies from doing it though. From the Diet Pepsi cans on Friends to the cereals in Seinfelds kitchen - these products are everywhere - placed there on purpose to influence your buying. Now, brace yourself for this. FROM NOW ON, THESE PRODUCTS MIGHT NOT REALLY BE THERE!

Oh, they'll be there. Digitally. On your screen, just not on the set. There might be a box of crackers on a table that really isn't there. There might be a soap bottle by the sink - that is simply digitally inserted into the scene. And, when the same episode runs in syndication it might be a different soap, or the box of crackers might become a can of peanuts.

There are more than 100,000 product placements per year, just on television right now. When producers can digitally insert products after production, what will the number be? It's gonna get stupid real fast. Soon, every product on television and in movies will be a brand name product. This is a far cry from the days when producers used tape to alter products by covering the name.

This all comes back to, is this advertising effective? In the case of this consumer, no. Now that I know the product I see with my own two eyes might not actually be there in the first place, I will be reluctant to purchase them. Why? Because they're messin' with my head.

Me? "Mr. Home Improvement"? Nope.

I have a beautiful home. It's tastefully decorated. It's a new construction home that I had built just over 10 years ago. No one has ever lived in the home but me. It's laid out the way I want it. Now, 10 years later, little improvements are being made. The "girl channels" on TV lead me to believe I should participate in decorating. HGTV, Discovery & TLC shows make decorating and home improvement seem so easy. These shows often show dramatic changes being made to homes - that always conclude in one hour, sometimes 30 minutes. What we miss watching these shows, is often several days pass. Often paint is spilled. Countertops are cut too small. New windows don't fit the openings. The new stove blows all the fuses. People fall off ladders. Husbands and wives argue to the point of divorce. These are the moments that get edited from the shows. I've never seen a wife throw a staple gun at her husband on one of these shows - but I know it's happened. Why then, do couples take on these projects? Isn't a relationship worth more than new cabinets? Isn't a copacetic lifestyle worth more than new hardwood floors? Married couples take the decorating leap of faith everyday - coaxed by these oversimplified TV shows. The shows always end with "the reveal". This is where the homeowners get to see the finished project. They always say, "Oh, it's so beautiful". Then, the camera turns off - and the wife clocks the husband. Every home has projects that need to be done. Walls need to be moved. Closets need to be built. Faucets need to be installed.

Do what I do and save your marriage. Call a professional. Write a check. It's what Dr. Phil would do.

I have lost my "Mustache Confidence"

I have a mustache. I've had it almost 30 years. My first attempts at a mustache didn't go so well. I remember early on - it came in blonde - and was hard to see. It took my body a while to accumulate enough testosterone to produce a manly mustache. It's not a problem now. I have what I call a "Sam Elliott" mustache. San Elliott, one of the greatest mustaches of my generation. My Dad still has a mustache. He used to look like Burt Reynolds. Remember how great Robert Redford looked with a mustache in Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid? In my eyes - manly men - have mustaches. Is this truth - or just an illusion?

New polls of women indicate the "mustache reign" is over. Nearly 2/3 of women - find mustaches NOT SEXY. Women prefer men with clean shaves. No beards, no mustaches, no sideburns - nothing. Just clean shaved men. This is why I have lost my "mustache confidence". I'm not sure why I hold onto this outdated idea of macho. Today, the best mustaches are on the guys in porn movies. I certainly don't want to be associated with that group.

I want to be lumped in with Tom Sellick & Clark Gable. Instead I'm compared with Weird Al Yankovich & Mario from the video game.

There is just one good mustache on TV these days. John Stossel on ABC. Thank God for John - but you can bet ABC has pressured him to shave it off. In reality, for every great man with a mustache, there is a turd with one. Saddam Hussein & Hitler come to mind.

Women. What do they know? Not sexy? Mustaches will come back, and even though I may have lost my "mustache mojo", I'll keep mine. My Wilford Brimley mustache. After all, I look more like Wilford, than Sam Elliott.

I'd like to BE Denny Crane

Denny Crane. William Shatners character on ABC-TV's Boston Legal. Dennys an over the hill attorney. Past his prime, losing his mind - but it's been made clear - he was once brilliant. He's obviously a millionaire. He has name recognition in the legal community. He's the best dressed man in the history of television. This isn't Bill Shatners decision. The wardrobe people are defining this character by his outstanding sharp dress.

I've always wanted to wear $5000 suits. I want $500 ties and $2000 shoes. I want $400 shirts and $600 belts. I'd top it off with a $20,000 watch and $300 hair-cut. Denny Crane has all this, and I notice. These aren't just nice looking clothes he's wearing. Denny Crane is wearing the highest end menswear ever broadcast on television. I love it. I like the character more because of it. I want to BE Denny Crane. And there lies my only problem.

My God. The man I wanna be, the man I wanna look like, the man I've made my idol, the man I emulate - is 75 years old.

Car buying lesson from a car TV show host

If you reside in Central Illinois you've probably seen me at some point co-hosting "The Friendly Auto Show." It's been on WICS, WCIA, WCFN & cable for 7 years.

I love cars. I've owned many. I know cars are expensive. I am a pre-owned advocate. I usually shoot for cars about two years old with 30,000 miles on 'em. The type of cars I like to buy, (large American luxury cars) don't hold their value - and consequently I get a pretty good price. The cars I usually drive retail for over $40,000 - but I pay a fraction of that. In my mind - that makes me smart. Car dealers see more customers like me all the time, and pack their lots with cars like these.

What I don't understand, are people that spend huge amounts of money on cars. Granted, some of you have money to burn and simply want a brand new car. OK. Some of you equate status to your vehicle, and spend accordingly. That's OK too. You are within your right to drive what you want. But....................

Some people go way overboard. Case in point. A Kansas City man ordered a new Ford-GT from his local dealership. This is a race car plain and simple. It was a prototype rolled out at the Detroit Auto Show last year. Ford has had the GT design for years. Ford raced it all around the world for decades. Ford wanted to compete with the attention Dodge was getting with it's Viper. Ford floated the GT balloon at the auto show to see if they'd get any takers. Kansas City man - and a handfull of others - took the bait - and spent $200,000 on average - for the car.
The wait time from the factory is long. Kansas City man waited two years for his car. Finally, the dealership calls. They have his car. He writes the huge check. Man, this car is beautiful. Why shouldn't it be? It cost $200,000! He drove it straight home and garaged it. He was worried of anything bad happening to his new car. The next day he decided to get out the new car. He wanted to experience the horsepower so he gunned it a little. He was on the grounds of his Country Club, (likely showing off) , when he lost traction in the rear wheels going over a little bridge near the 17th fairway. After a two year wait, $200,000, and with just 8 miles on the GT - he plowed into a steel and concrete pole.

He's OK. The pole doesn't even have a scratch. Today he wishes he purchased something a little more conventional. Something with 500 less horses under the hood, pre-owned - about 2 years old, with 30,000 miles on it.

Why the record companies have lower profits

We hear it everyday. This Internet thing has ruined the record business. We're sharing songs. We're illegally downloading music. We're not paying for music any longer. CD sales, though still robust - are down. Sales continue to decline. It's only a matter of time before CD's disappear completely and go the way of the 8 track. Why is business down? The record companies thought they knew. "That damn internet!" The lawsuits continue to fly. Everyday people are being dragged into court. Some lose - and end up thousands in debt to a record company. What began with Napster, soon exploded to Kazaa, Morpheus, Limewire and the like. Record companies had themselves convinced these services were the reason profits are down. They were wrong.

Gallup polls of music buyers (those under 30 years old) revealed something interesting. The question was "Why don't you buy as many CD's as you used to?" The expected response: "I download 'em for free!" The answer they gave: "Music today sucks!" What? The internet isn't the scapegoat? File sharing isn't cutting into profits the way we thought it was? Nope. Music today sucks.

I've been on the frontlines of the music business for three decades. I'm the guy that played the songs on the radio - you decided to buy in stores. Radio made these songs hits. The repetition of hearing them over and over made you like them. It's that simple. It used to be that "Hit Radio" (the format that drives the most record sales) was mass appeal. You could listen to your local Top 40 station and hear music that appealed to listeners 12 to 50. This trend continued well into the 80's. But, there was a point a few years back when "Hit Radio" changed. The music they played became less mass appeal. It became rhythmic. It became rap. It turned raunchy. Suddenly stations that appealed to everyone - began to appeal to just the young. The really young. It seems Hit Radio today appeals to those under 20. It's not that they don't play good songs now & then - it's that they mix in this rhythmic, rap, raunchy crap. This is precisely why people in the survey said "Music today sucks!" Those vocal 20 to 30's made their opinion known. We can conclude most CD sales today are being made to this under 20 crowd by the music being played on Hit Music stations. It's a viscous cycle. Record Company profits are down. They release more product for those that are still buying CD's (under 20's) - and the rest of us lament, "Music today sucks."

RELEASE BETTER MUSIC. It's out there. Bands and songs have yet to be discovered. There are radio stations that cater to older demographics - but we don't buy CD's do we. My radio program is thriving - maybe because some of the music I play is up to 35 years old. My audience would agree that "Music today sucks."

Nuclear Bomb Toys - finally.

All right! Finally a company has released little nuclear bomb - TOYS!! I've had guns, rockets, slingshots, bazookas & shoulder fire grenade launchers. I've had war planes, missiles & various knives. I've had a sword, a machete and a couple of bayonet's. Now, thanks to a company called Brumm - for $10 I can get toy nuclear bombs. Not just any nuclear bomb mind you - replicas of the bombs we dropped on Japan! Fat Man & Little Boy will cost $10 each! This is quality play. Here's how. Playing "Nuclear Bomb" requires you to make an airplane engine sound with your mouth. A little plane would be nice, but it's not necessary. All you really need is the hmmmmmmm sound of the engines. If you don't have a toy plane, just flatten your hand as if it's a wing. Hold the toy bomb with the other hand under the wing. Now, fly over your target. Targets include other kids playing dolls, Hot Wheels or board games. You fly at high altitude and release your payload. Your nuclear device pretend explodes. Everyone pretend dies. At this point - everyone must suspend play - go back in the house - or if you're in the house already - go to bed.

I don't get Jessica Simpson

I don't get Jessica Simpson. I don't see any talent. I don't hear talent either. What does she do? Sing? C'mon. Act? Please. It appears her talent is "being". She just stands there and men oogle her. What do these men see? I don't know. I'm a red blooded American male. I love women. I adore pretty women. Why don't I see what other men see in Jessica Simpson? It's that her beauty is as thin as rice paper. She's all surface and nothing underneath. Smart is sexy. That's my problem with Jessica. Men reading this are thinking, "Who cares if she's smart?" How could you carry on an intelligent conversation with this load? You'd get blank looks back when the conversation centered on anything but fashion & hair. I could talk about fashion & hair for a while I guess, but eventually I'd want to discuss Politics, terrorism, the Olympics, NASA, any of 1000 topics that'd be off limits to her underdeveloped brain. She's concentrated on herself so long, she has no depth of personality. This is why Nick Lachey fled. Trust me - he fled. Coffee & the paper in the morning with Jessica would have been the least satisfying experience on Earth. "Hey, Alan Greenspan stepped down as Fed chairman!" "Fed what? Alan Greenburg? Stepped where? Is he related to Kevin Federline?" Poor stupid thing. Poor stupid rich $30 million a year thing. Who's giving her the money? Make them stop. My reaction to Jessica has gotten so bad - I won't even try the new Pizza Hut Cheese Poppers pizza - solely because she's in the commercial.

I made the house smell bad

I love to cook. I did something very bad last night. I set out to make a "Shepherds Pie". I went on-line to snag a recipe. I shopped for the ingredients. I made this concoction per the recipe. Something went terribly wrong.

I spelled "Shepherds" - wrong. When I Googled the recipe, I spelled it "Sheppard." Many recipes came up. ALL of them were slightly different. When I get several versions of something I want to prepare, often I take a "consensus" of the recipes. If a majority of the recipes call for something in particular, I'll put it in. Virtually each recipe I saw included corn & peas. Most contained celery. I followed the instructions - and what I served - smelled like feet. Really bad. Funny though, it tasted OK - just smelled bad. Not a single person commented on the smell. Maybe they couldn't smell it - but I sure could. We ate it, and saved the leftovers. I dread going home from work today, because I fear the smell has escaped the refrigerator and has engulfed the house.

I'll try this again. Next time I'll spell it right. The recipes I get with the correct spelling are nothing like what ever it is I made. There are no peas, corn or celery. There's beef broth, onion, ketchup & cream. Sounds good. Smells better - I hope.

I'm at the end of my Wireless Phone Rope

Wireless phones. Cell Phones. Now that they're here, how could we live without them? That's the way technology is. The world functioned well for billions of years before cell phones - now - BLAM - they're here, and we gotta have them. OK, I concede portable wireless phones are kinda neat. Some of you really need them. You get the phone, you sign on the line for "the plan" - and you're part of the cellular (or now - digital wireless) community. That's not my rub.

*Who thought up the Camera Phone? How could two things completely unrelated - making a call & taking a picture - become married into one technology? The wireless companies thought it up. In secret meetings behind closed doors, they conspired to make your bill as high as possible. The minutes you used weren't going to produce the profits they wanted - so "Hey, let's attach a camera to that thing!" Everytime you take a picture and send it to anyone - you pay. Even if you send it to yourself - you pay.

*Who thought up the special ringtones? Same deal. The beeping & buzzing wasn't good enough. Now ringtones have become the single biggest moneymaker in the music business.

*Who thought up internet access? Who thought up TV on your phone? E-mail, instant messages - Geez - there are countless ways to rack up your phone bill, that have nothing to do with a phone.

I have a camera. I have a PC. I have several TV's and several e-mail accounts. Why would I duplicate these services on a phone? This is money wasted, and we're all being taken for a "technology ride." If any of these services were available free of charge, that might be different. It'd be added value. But they're not. They're all part of your a la carte phone bill.

My cell phone last straw is downloadable music. OOOHHHH the phone has little stereo speakers and I can download songs for $1 each! Wow. Now, that's value. The bill comes. Your $39 plan is now $215 because you downloaded 5 songs, 4 ringtones, answered 20 e-mails, sent 40 instant messages and shot 15 people pictures. You paid to get the basketball score and watch a movie trailer. You paid to play Mario Brothers on line while you waited to see the Dentist. My God you throw away money.

Rest assured, I embrace technology. I can do anything you do with your phone. I can do every last stupid thing your phone does and do it cheaper - because I don't even have a wireless phone. Everyone in my family does - but, I don't.

Maybe that's why I'm pissed off about the bills. Do ya think?

OK - I like Curling

Kellie got me into this. Olympic Curling. I don't understand it. I don't know the rules. I've just seen it a few times before - and yet - I'm fascinated with it. I watch. I don't know the score or how to score. I see women sliding granite rocks on ice at a target. Sometimes it's in the target and that's good. Sometimes it's bad. They slide and brush and scoot their feet on the ice like they're dancing. They're Olympians yet they don't sweat. They appear to be able to compete in street clothes. Injury doesn't seem to be a part of this sport - nor does age. I've watched several "matches" (if you call them that) - and they seem to go on forever. It looks like there is a clock of some sort, but I don't know how it factors. I don't know how many throws a team gets (or if they even call them "throws".) I am completely in the dark here - yet I watch. I even cheer at times, taking cues from the spectators there, because I don't know when to cheer. I know how to cheer - but when it comes to Curling I don't know why. I know nothing but Curling seems cool - (if you call it that.)

The $368 Million Powerball jackpot DIVIDED UP!

For the world to see.

How I would split the $368 million jackpot.

These people that take the "lump sum" are idiots. Jeez, take all the money you can. Even if you didn't expect to live 20 years - your heirs will thank you.

I am married. Here is my breakdown. 5 kids, 2 sets of parents, 6 total siblings on both sides, a wife, ex wife & 2 ex husbands. Each will get $10 million. Save two. The ex wife & the first ex husband. The second ex husband is a pretty good guy and makes the $10 million list.

For the record, over the years I've gone into lifelong promise pacts with several people. Should any of us ever win a considerable amount of money - they'd get a share. In this case, not a full share - just a cool $1 million. The short list includes, Ed Coyle/Dallas Texas & Bob Murray/Decatur Illinois. Maybe I promised more people I'd share with them - I just don't recall - and that my friend holds up in court.

My wife undoubtedly has made similar arrangements with countless people - who will come forward upon the news of the big win. We'll hire lawyers to handle that.

After taxes, I want the rest - to spend foolishly. Reach me by cell phone. I'll be on the road in my $2.9 million motorhome.

Your dog barks in a regional dialect.

Scientists have recently confirmed a couple of things. Men & Women are attracted to people that look like they do. This explains why after several years of matrimony all married couples end up looking like each other. Same goes for cats & dogs. Pets eventually begin to look like their owners. Science backs this up.

New British research suggests DOGS BARK IN REGIONAL ACCENTS. Dogs of the same breed, raised in different regions - with unique dialects - begin to bark like their owner speaks. The scientists offer just this. The dogs may be trying to bond with their owners by mimicking their speech patterns.

I'm sure follow up research will compare California dogs (woof - dude) to Texas dogs (woof - y'all.) North Carolina dogs will be found to bark like Nascar drivers, and Massachusetts dogs will bark in a stuffy way down their nose at you. Florida dogs will sound Cuban or Jewish depending on the owner. Wisconsin dogs will bark "Ruff - Ya."

Of course you don't believe you have an accent. Listen closely to your dog. If it barks, "Whoof - ah - so", it's likely you're Chinese.

Al Gore - SHUT UP.

Al Gore condemned the U.S. treatment of Arabs after the 9/11 attacks Sunday while speaking to a mostly Saudi audience at the Jiddah Economic Forum in Saudi Arabia. Gore said that Arabs in the U.S. had been, "indiscriminately rounded up, often on minor charges of overstaying a visa or not having a green card in proper order, and held in conditions that were just unforgivable."

What possible good can come from this statement? For a political leader (I use the term loosely here) to stand before Arabs and make charges like this - just adds fuel to the fire we're fighting with Islam. Many of the 9/11 hijackers were here using expired visas. Almost all the hijackers were Saudis.

This statement has been given alot of play on the networks. It's been shown around the world. It's been translated into Arabic and printed in papers.

We have men & women in uniform in harms way, and he blasts his own countries policies.

Free speech? How about treason. Here's the definition:
1, Violation of allegiance toward one's country or sovereign, especially the betrayal of one's country by waging war against it or by consciously and purposely acting to aid its enemies.
2, A betrayal of trust or confidence.

Let's put Al in a straight jacket, and ship his ass out. I thought John Kerry & Ted Kennedy were bad. Al no longer belongs here.

The Missing Olympic Events

In America, the Olympics have become all about television. NBC paid $2.9 Billion for the television rights to the next three Olympics. To recoup that investment they need viewers. They need alot of viewers. Are the current Olympic events captivating enough to hold our interest? Sure, everyone has a few favorites. But, how about the Olympic committee consider adding even more new events? Here are a few I propose.

Instead of discouraging drug use, have an event for drug users. As a matter of fact, make THAT the event. Athletes sitting around doing drugs. America could send Tommy Chong and the U.K. could send Keith Richards. There could be "pairs" like Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie vs. Kelly Osborne & Lindsay Lohan. First to pass out - loses. See what I mean?

How about Texas Hold 'Em Poker. America would send Phil Helmuth, Jesus Ferguson & Chris Moneymaker. They'd kick the Nigerian Poker Teams ass.

How about an International Chopper Motorcycle building competition? There's a time limit. We could send that Father & Son from West Coast Choppers. They would nicely represent America.

Speaking of time limits - how about Olympic 30 minute meals? The Japanese team would sent their "Iron Chefs" - but those guys need an hour. Rachel Ray would do nicely.

Olympic home redecorating. Don't laugh. Take the whole damn HGTV staff and select TLC decorators. Ratings would be through the roof and we could finally see then paint in slow motion.

Olympic Survivor. Get Jeff Probst and 1 contestant from each country - give 'em nothing - and see who lasts until the closing ceremony.

Bobsledding with Celebrities. Luge with the Stars. I could do this all day. One thing for sure - you'd watch. Any of these would pull a bigger audience than Cross Country Skiing. Tradition? Hell with that. It's all about the money.

A Man sounds off on Valentines Day

It's pressure, plain & simple. It's stress. It's a lofty hard to achieve goal. The mission: be unpredictable - yet romantic on Valentines Day. We love these women. They have enriched our lives. The ball is in our romantic court. Society made it this way. Actual figures show men out spend women nearly 2-1 on Valentines Day. The images from magazines & television are almost impossible to re-create. On TV she melts at the sight of the $99 necklace from Zales. $99 necklace? I guess he doesn't love her much. Irony is - if he spends $5000 (her worth) she'll make him return it - because she wants new furniture.
This is the same pressure the President feels. It's called "measured response" in Washington. Men have to instinctively gauge what to do & how much to spend.
This is why men break down. We freeze. Nothing is good enough. No gift is just right. No flowers are beautiful enough. No candy sweet enough. No diamond big enough. No perfume smells right. No restaurant can measure up. No card says the appropriate thing.

But we trudge on - because we love that woman. We'll make mistakes. Forgive us - forgive us all - we know not what we do.

Local TV News behind the scenes

Media Consultants. They know it all. They advise television newsrooms & newspeople. The hopes are for higher ratings. Often the advice is good and the anchors go on to real stardom. Consultants tell these people we see on TV - how to dress, how to wear their hair, lose a few pounds and shave off that moustache. They tell them how to hold their hands, which side is their "good side", stop doing that "funny thing" with your eyebrows & get your teeth whitened. They help the TV talent learn to write a better story & how to tell a better story. How to write & tell a story. That should be most important - but often it's not. Sometimes the advice the consultants give the media companies is so miniscule - you'll never really notice. Sometimes it's glaringly obvious. Case in point: WICS-TV 20.
Recently the anchors have been told how to sit at the desk. That's right. they were improperly sitting. They were facing the right direction. They were looking into the camera's - but they needed to do this magic thing - this one particular thing - that just might push WICS-TV News over the top.
The anchors were told to lean toward each other. See for yourself these two adult anchorpeople leaning in at 30 degree angles toward each other. They almost form a triangle. They're so close they can probably smell one anothers breath. "Look for the the Newschannel Leaning Anchors @ Noon, 5, 6 & 10."

Why - is the question. I imagine the consultants feel this makes the anchors appear to like one another.

Eyeglasses are a ripoff.

I've worn glasses since first grade. I'll never forget the first time I wore them to school. I was the first kid in my class that wore glasses. I looked like a little Drew Carey. Over the years I wore them less & less. BUT, I MUST have glasses to read anything. I can drive a car (I pass the eye test) - I can watch TV - I can do almost anything - but read - without glasses. I've owned too many pairs of glasses to count. They cost me thousands of dollars. In the old days glasses were more "sturdy". Glasses in the 60's & 70's didn't seem to fall apart like glasses do today. Maybe fashion is the problem. As frames become thinner - glasses become more fragile. It's getting to the point glasses self destruct in about a year. The screws begin to fall out and the lenses pop out. We screw them back together - but after that first time your glasses come apart - they're never the same. Your glasses have passed their 'expiration date."

The last professionally fitted glasses I bought cost $450. I was willing to wait "longer than an hour" - and pay for quality. The glasses DID last longer than a year. They lasted TWO years - then fell apart. Recently, I threw in the towel.
This last pair were bifocals. I often found myself just using the bottom bifocal portion of the lens. This was the part of the lens that made everything appear huge. "Man! Look at the size of that piece of Pie!" The pie size was normal - it's my lenses that made it appear the size of a hubcap.
On a whim - I purchased a pair of $12 reading glasses at a Wal Mart. I'm not one to suggest - "Trust the eye experts at Wal Mart." BUT - they were GREAT! I still only wear them to read - and now own about 5 pairs. if I accidently sit on a pair - no big deal - I just have $12 invested. One pair, I bought for a dollar. I'll never spend more than $15 on a pair of glasses ever again in my life. If you haven't investigated for yourself that little display in Walgreens or Wal Mart or Target (they're everywhere) - you're missing out.

I'm no eye doctor. I'm a dude wearing cheap glasses he bought off a rack. I can see as well now -than ever. If you spot me in the future with a seeing eye dog, you can razz me about this post - otherwise go with me on this

By the way, none of these cheap glasses have fallen apart. Not even the $1 pair.

SUPERLAME XL Detroit

The game was lame. The commercials were lame. The TV production was lame. Jimmy Kimmel after the LAMEBOWL was lame. WHAT'S THE DEAL?

The game was lame. At least it wasn't a blowout. Both teams waaay to nervous to settle down and play well. Not until the third quarter did we see either team play well.

The commercials were lame. I told ya they would be. Both ABC and the NFL had to sign off on content before broadcast. This led to the most dismal year for Superbowl commercials yet. The problem isn't exclusively the fault of the network & the league. Media itself is partially responsible for the hype - that causes us to be underwhelmed. How could the commercials possibly meet the hype? Our expectations were set so high - that when they actually aired - most fell flat. Creativity is partly to blame too. I've been part of the media machine for over three decades - and I'll offer my services to any agency for a fraction of the commission you paid your Creative Dept. to come up with the FED-EX Caveman spot. I like Jay Mohr - but those Pepsi spots???? They actually sang, "Brown & Bubbly!" Budweiser. How about you show a person raising a bottle to their lips and drinking it? They can't. Did you know that? So not PC - there's a law.

The TV production was lame. ABC coverage is the worst. Al Michaels couldn't hold an audience for Monday Night Football. Madden is tired and not nearly as fun as he was at CBS all those years ago. The graphics & presentation were old hat too. Take a cue from FOX and innovate. Innovate something. Innovate anything. Just TRY something new - to show you can do it. And for the love of God - get those women off the sideline. Your blatant attempt to soothe a more female audience Sunday - just aggravated the men watching. The trade off wasn't worth it.

Jimmy Kimmel was lame too. Remember all the big premieres that debuted after Superbowls? ABC threw us Jimmy Kimmel. Now I'm getting mad. ABC - I'll give you the same deal I offered the ad agencies. How about just 15% of the salary you pay your executives - and I'll help you get the ship back on track?

How about a new Church?

The "FIRST CHURCH OF THE SEATED!" I attend a Presbyterian Church. We have a beautiful service each Sunday. After many years sleeping in on Sundays - I've resumed regular attendance. I sing & pray. I give more than my share to the collection plate. I stand & sit. I stand & sit. I stand up - then sit down. Is it just Presbyterians that stand & sit & stand & sit & stand & sit??? I love my God, I want to show the respect he deserves - but is all this standing & sitting necessary? How about we stand just once - and do all the "standing business" at that time? Up & down. "THE FIRST CHURCH OF THE SEATED" - can be a Church where you will be seated - and remain that way until it's time to stand and leave. I can pray seated. I can sing seated. I can give generously to the Church from a seated position. I know I'm not alone on my thoughts about this repeated standing & sitting. While we're at it - Churches in general could make the pews a little more comfortable. When I am seated - it's on a puny 1/2 inch pad - placed atop a giant Mahogany pew. I might as well sit on a concrete slab.
"Oh, that Brian's a complainer!" That's not it at all. I just want to open eyes to new possibilities and start a dialogue. These ideas aren't sacrilegious. Jesus suffered for me. Is it necessary we suffer in return? I look at these ideas as progressive. Jesus is in my heart. I don't think he'd mind if I praised his name while comfortably seated in the front row at the 'FIRST CHURCH OF THE SEATED" - listening to the Rev. Richard Bottoms sermon.

Pizza delivery without a phone call

Pizza joints expect a 100% increase in business this Sunday because it's SUPERBOWL SUNDAY! Great. The usual 45 minute wait will extend to 90 minutes or more. I'm tired of the whole pizza delivery process. It's time for something new. How about flags we place in our yards? Cars full of hot pizzas drive around subdivisions looking for the flags. If you fly 2 cheese flags and a pepperoni flag, they'll know you want a pepperoni with double cheese. They just ring the doorbell. Load the cars with hundreds of pizzas. Make them trucks with portable ovens. Don't like the idea? OK. How about you place a GPS device in your yard that Pizza Hut picks up from the orbiting Pizza Hut Satellite. You encode your order into the little onboard PC. Pizza Hut instantly knows your order because your address and order will instantly pop up on a screen the moment you put the device in the yard. Don't like that one? OK. Here's my best idea. PIZZA TRUCKS. Like Ice Cream trucks, but with Pizza. Mobile pizza chefs on the road playing loud Italian music from speakers on top. When you hear the Pizza Truck, you simply scream, "PIZZA TRUCK! MOM! PIZZA TRUCK!!!" She'll give you a twenty and you run into the yard. You make the pizza transaction right in your driveway. Hot, fresh, delicious & you don't even have to have a phone. Let the timestamp on this post be evidence of this MILLION DOLLAR IDEA - in case one of you steal this concept before I get it off the ground.

Kellie's Drug test (See Post below)

Kellie’s urine test February 1, 2006

*Antecetemenophen, Aspirin & Caffeine (Excedrin)
*FD&C Red #7 & Aspartame (Diet Dr. Pepper)
*Vanilla Root extract (French Vanilla Folgers)
*High Fructose Corn Syrup & FD&C Yellow #5 (French Salad Dressing)
*Cocoa, refined sugar & Peanuts (Peanut M & M’s & Reeses Peanut Butter Cups)
*Magnesium (Banana’s)
*Urine

Hair Follicle result:
Test inconclusive because of high amounts of Blonde hair color.